Mmm... it might be fun, but I don't know if I want to turn my hobby into a job. Besides, Aragaki-senpai is the one who's really good at cooking. You should have some of the stuff he makes!
[She can do some basics and repurpose ingredients pretty well, considering she's had to prepare her own food for a long time, but as a job... eh. Maybe. She likes listening to music, too, but not enough to make that into a job, either.]
What would you have wanted to study if you could? [She doesn't know if he was hospitalized from his own attempts or from someone else, and that isn't her place to pry into.]
(he remembers too much, from the little details she drew, to how focused she was. his hands find the back of his head as he rests his back on the towel. ah, nice. being tall makes lying down heaven.)
Definitely not. This time last year, I'd never even held a weapon. It's nice being able to fight and make a difference, but for the rest of my life...?
[She wrinkles her nose again. It's hard to think about the future in those kinds of terms, doubly so since it's just a thought exercise. She'd figured when she was a third year, she'd start really looking into that, but... well.]
So you're happy being a detective? What kind of cases do you solve?
I'm not saying you'll fight for the rest of your life. You should look at that as a way to provide tools for those who need them... Or nice pieces of decor! That works too! Mhm, if not... Let's see... Kotone-chan... Fashion designer!
(she has a look to her, ok, he's sure she has a good sense of style. again, here's a taste of some sort of freedom. they should look into what she can do to make herself happy, here, for as long as she can.
being stuck on it isn't helpful. he can attest it from experience.)
As much as I can be, yes. We solve cases the police aren't able to, usually too delicate or those that have Ability-users. They range from capturing a man-eating Tiger that just happens to be a kiddo, to, mhm, saving the world!
[She laughs again and just shrugs. She does consider herself relatively well-dressed, but fashion just seemed like Yukari's thing way more than hers. Cooking was Shinjiro's thing, fashion was Yukari's. It seems strange to do them on her own. Even the Sewing Club had just been to hang out with Bebe.]
Maybe... I think I do okay at dressing myself, but I don't know if I'd be any good at making clothes for other people. I used to be in a club with a boy who came all the way from France, though... he made a whole kimono.
[Poor Bebe. He was so difficult to understand sometimes, but his passion didn't need to be explained with words.]
But wait, you mean there was a person pretending to be a tiger?
Kiddo, I hear a lot of 'I don't know', 'this other person does it too', like you can't find your own place within it. You won't know if you'd be any good at anything if you compare with others and if you don't make it yours, too. Try and test and see, Kotone-chan.
(sometimes, just sometimes, dazai doesn't suck so bad.)
Ah, and, no. He turns a tiger! That's his ability, he just didn't know. He also doesn't eat people.
[She sets down her sandwich and holds the jar of tea, relishing what little warmth remains between her hands as she tops off her cup. It's... hard to think about what she wants to do. She's not trying to keep her disquiet from her face as she stares down into the murky liquid with a frown.]
I don't really know what kind of thing I should make mine. I asked Aragaki-senpai about it, a little, and he basically said I should figure it out for myself. That's not so easy to do, though...
It isn't easy, no, especially in your position of near death. I do think you have no other choice than to be here right now, so you should try to do things that mean something to you. He's right in the sense that, no one can find that for you. He never said we can't help, though. Having someone show you a way is a wonderful thing, after all.
(the smile on his face. it's there, but it's almost nostalgic, almost like he's trying to reach for something in his brain that he can't have. odasaku changed him, and he has never stopped breathing and living what odasaku put in his path.
fuck, he misses him every day. it doesn't put a damper on his mood, though, look--)
I'm very tall, you can dress me, I don't mind! Just keep the bandages in mind!
Honestly, I'm happiest when I'm doing things that other people need help with or want to talk about.
[Fuuka and Cooking Club, Bebe and Sewing Club, Rio, Hidetoshi, Ken, Yukari... She spent so much time helping others that she doesn't know what to do with herself anymore. That's kind of funny, isn't it?
She notices that smile on his face and almost asks what he's thinking about, then laughs with surprise when he makes that offer.]
I like the way you dress, Dazai-san! It's a little old-fashioned, but it suits you!
Psychology would suit you, then. I know a thing or two. Or... Many! Many things.
(it's just part of the combo that is being dazai osamu. psychology is needed when one needs to manipulate others, situations, predict outcomes with the same perfect precision and accuracy as he does.
it's part of who he is.)
Eh-- old-fashioned?! I'm perfectly fine for my world! Have you seen the others?! Eh?!!!
[She set the jar down and rests her chin in her hand, elbow on her knee. If it's something he knows a lot about, maybe she can learn from him and it would be something he'd want to talk about! Instead of just blindly trying to figure out something for her.
But she laughs again at his reaction. Did she say it specifically to get that kind of reaction? Maybe.]
I said it suits you! I can't really picture you in jeans and a t-shirt or anything like that.
Yeah. You talked about the Collective Conscious, for starters. That was a term coined by Carl Jung. To sum up, he argued that a segment of the deepest unconscious mind is genetically inherited and not shaped by personal experience, so some things like deep-seated beliefs and instincts, such as spirituality, sexual behavior, and life and death instincts, all filed under that category. Morals, ethics, and concepts of fairness or right and wrong could be explained in the same way, with the collective unconscious as partially responsible.
(she asked. she received, and he sounds like an encyclopedia, but alas, at least she didn't ask for things he really has seared in his brain. top of his mind, that's part of it.)
Oh yeah... I remember the school nurse talked about stuff like that, once.
[He was... a weird guy, to say the least, and she usually dozed off when he went off on a monologue about "magic~" One of his lectures during the summer had been about the arcana, though; that had been interesting. Is it from him she'd first heard of the collective unconscious...? Igor and Theo had called it something else, she's pretty sure.]
That's why I could fuse together all kinds of different gods and angels and creatures and stuff that I'd never heard of, right? Because they exist in the minds of humanity as a whole?
[She just snorts and shakes her head. Yes, people wear jeans, Dazai. Yukari looks really good in them, too!]
I'm going to go on a limb here and say that, yes, indeed, and perhaps that's the very reason why death is such a big thing for your journey. We are all very touchy about it, like it is part of our awareness to fear and not accept it.
(he can only speculate, but so far, it's all that makes sense, isn't it? if that's what she was fighting for at home. his arms stretch again, almost a habit, before he taps the grass in thought.)
Perhaps that's why the Arcana is a thing, too. Jung said there were some archetypes, too. The persona, the shadow, the anima, and the self.
[She frowns again, because that makes it sound like all of that was orchestrated for her, specifically, and that's not true. She's just not that important. All that stuff that happened wasn't just to her; sure, there were some things that were unique for her, but the whole world was affected, and all of SEES needed to work together to fight it all.
But she looks up in clear curiosity, tilting her head again.] What are those?
(he knows this is more than just a theory, isn't it? from all she's told him, from how this seems to be clearing things up as much as clouding them all over again. a breath, and he'll have to squint to access that particular file in his brain, an eyebrow raising and...! bam.)
Persona literally means 'mask', they're all the social masks that we wear in groups and situations, it's how we present ourselves to the world. The shadow meant... If I'm not mistaken, it's about sex and life instincts? Repressed ideas, weaknesses, desires, things we have to leave behind in order to adapt to cultural norms and expectations. Anima was the feminine image, and animus the male one, it's about gender identity, the self... The unified unconsciousness and consciousness of an individual. I think that was about it, and then there's the other archetypes, that are sort of personality types. Ruler, explorer, rebel, lover, so on, so on.
Right, I remember the archetypes from one of the literature exams...
[She'd almost definitely slept through the class itself on that topic, but the first two are really interesting. She's not consciously trying to keep it from her face as she chews it all over; Dazai knows enough about it, and he's told her enough about the weirdness in his world, that she knows he'll believe her if she tries to explain any of it. It's just deciding which parts she wants to ask about, and which parts she wants to bother explaining. She definitely doesn't want to implicate Shinji in all of it, or any of the others, that's for sure.
...Aaaah that's a lot of work. She's going to need a nap after this.]
I guess that makes sense. I mean, they called all those different gods and things I was using my Personas, and the monsters I was fighting were called Shadows. They made it sound like most people only have one Persona, though, and it's pretty rare to be able to have more than one like me.
Ah, so you are an ability user. This is interesting, because it seemed like nothing happened when I touched you. That means, probably, you'll have to use it so I can remove it.
(mystery solved. she doesn't have to explain more than she wants to, he already has what he wanted to know when they first started talking about it - what her world is like, what she is, where does she fit, why gods are playing as such.)
I don't remember if Jungian psychology said there was more than one for each person, but I suppose it would make sense. We swift and change and mask differently each time, don't we? So, which is yours? Your Persona.
I'd rather you not do that... I'd only try summoning them if it's really, really important.
[Read: she hasn't even tested to see if it's possible here. She carried her Evoker into the forest, but isn't carrying it now. Initially, she'd been afraid that carrying around a gun would make people ask tricky questions, but even after it became obvious that people are just carrying around weapons like it's no big deal, it still seems a little weird to just start doing it now.
Something about the ease with which he just accepts that it's normal to have more than one makes a little bubble of something she'd forgotten she'd been worried about pop in her chest, a sudden surge of emotion that closes her throat for a second and stops her from answering. Everybody else only had one. They were able to evolve their Persona to something stronger after coming to terms with their own personal struggles, but they'd never had more than one. She'd thought maybe there was something wrong with her; the way Thanatos burst out of Orpheus at the time had been kind of scary, even if her memories of that are hazy enough that it's mostly based on what she'd been told after, not what she actually remembers.
She doesn't start crying at the idea that it's normal to be able to swap around one's true self, but she can't speak immediately, trying to keep her emotions in check.]
(a rare sight is for dazai to be confused, to be puzzled at what he sees. at home, it's ridiculously easy to read situations, he has files upon files, knowledge that stacks infinitely until all it takes is just a look for him to know way too much, way too fast. the same is often reality here, but there are gaps that his knowledge can't fill, simply because it doesn't translate. his world isn't made of personas, of shadows, but instead their own beliefs and abilities, poetry that can flow through one's fingers.
he doesn't know if 'no longer human' would help, if she can even feel it. it makes one either very relieved from not bearing a burden, or frightened to death of having a part of themselves missing, so he hesitates - should he come to her aid, should he drape his coat around her, she probably can see the back and forth once he's back sitting.
he'll only sigh, looking at her for a second, offering a hand. she can choose to be comforted, after all.)
[She just kind of looks at his hand, confused by what he's offering. Right. He'd asked a question, hadn't he? Give her a few seconds, she just has to remember to breathe again. Right. It's normal to be able to switch what's in your head to match the person you're talking to, isn't it? That's what he's saying?
She takes a breath through her nose, holds it, and lets it out again, forcing herself to swallow what had been choking her and reach to pick up the other half of the sandwich she'd been eating and put it in his hand. There you go. For you.]
They're all my Personas, [she says finally, swallowing past a lump in her throat and forcing herself to answer normally.] The one I awoke to myself was Orpheus, though I don't have her with me anymore.
[Thanatos hadn't been hers, really, back then; that had been Ryoji, sealed inside her ten years ago.]
(he is dumbfounded for just one second before he laughs a little, because, well, no, he was trying to be comforting, not to score a sandwich. putting that aside for a second, brain search...)
[Well, the confusion is enough to snap her out of the last lingering bits of the emotion she'd been struggling with, leaving her blinking at him and trying to figure out if she's being made fun of.]
It is. Orpheus is legendary! Orpheus and Whatshername, about to be married-- bam, not anymore, so Orpheus goes down to the underworld, and Orpheus' eloquence 'melted the hearts of the gods, and all fell silent'! Tell me that's not incredible in itself.
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[She can do some basics and repurpose ingredients pretty well, considering she's had to prepare her own food for a long time, but as a job... eh. Maybe. She likes listening to music, too, but not enough to make that into a job, either.]
What would you have wanted to study if you could? [She doesn't know if he was hospitalized from his own attempts or from someone else, and that isn't her place to pry into.]
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(he remembers too much, from the little details she drew, to how focused she was. his hands find the back of his head as he rests his back on the towel. ah, nice. being tall makes lying down heaven.)
Mhm. Good question. Foresincs, maybe?
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Definitely not. This time last year, I'd never even held a weapon. It's nice being able to fight and make a difference, but for the rest of my life...?
[She wrinkles her nose again. It's hard to think about the future in those kinds of terms, doubly so since it's just a thought exercise. She'd figured when she was a third year, she'd start really looking into that, but... well.]
So you're happy being a detective? What kind of cases do you solve?
1/2
(she has a look to her, ok, he's sure she has a good sense of style. again, here's a taste of some sort of freedom. they should look into what she can do to make herself happy, here, for as long as she can.
being stuck on it isn't helpful. he can attest it from experience.)
2/2
(VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE.)
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Maybe... I think I do okay at dressing myself, but I don't know if I'd be any good at making clothes for other people. I used to be in a club with a boy who came all the way from France, though... he made a whole kimono.
[Poor Bebe. He was so difficult to understand sometimes, but his passion didn't need to be explained with words.]
But wait, you mean there was a person pretending to be a tiger?
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(sometimes, just sometimes, dazai doesn't suck so bad.)
Ah, and, no. He turns a tiger! That's his ability, he just didn't know. He also doesn't eat people.
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[She sets down her sandwich and holds the jar of tea, relishing what little warmth remains between her hands as she tops off her cup. It's... hard to think about what she wants to do. She's not trying to keep her disquiet from her face as she stares down into the murky liquid with a frown.]
I don't really know what kind of thing I should make mine. I asked Aragaki-senpai about it, a little, and he basically said I should figure it out for myself. That's not so easy to do, though...
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(the smile on his face. it's there, but it's almost nostalgic, almost like he's trying to reach for something in his brain that he can't have. odasaku changed him, and he has never stopped breathing and living what odasaku put in his path.
fuck, he misses him every day. it doesn't put a damper on his mood, though, look--)
I'm very tall, you can dress me, I don't mind! Just keep the bandages in mind!
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[Fuuka and Cooking Club, Bebe and Sewing Club, Rio, Hidetoshi, Ken, Yukari... She spent so much time helping others that she doesn't know what to do with herself anymore. That's kind of funny, isn't it?
She notices that smile on his face and almost asks what he's thinking about, then laughs with surprise when he makes that offer.]
I like the way you dress, Dazai-san! It's a little old-fashioned, but it suits you!
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(it's just part of the combo that is being dazai osamu. psychology is needed when one needs to manipulate others, situations, predict outcomes with the same perfect precision and accuracy as he does.
it's part of who he is.)
Eh-- old-fashioned?! I'm perfectly fine for my world! Have you seen the others?! Eh?!!!
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[She set the jar down and rests her chin in her hand, elbow on her knee. If it's something he knows a lot about, maybe she can learn from him and it would be something he'd want to talk about! Instead of just blindly trying to figure out something for her.
But she laughs again at his reaction. Did she say it specifically to get that kind of reaction? Maybe.]
I said it suits you! I can't really picture you in jeans and a t-shirt or anything like that.
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(she asked. she received, and he sounds like an encyclopedia, but alas, at least she didn't ask for things he really has seared in his brain. top of his mind, that's part of it.)
... No one wears jeans, Kotone. No one.
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[He was... a weird guy, to say the least, and she usually dozed off when he went off on a monologue about "magic~" One of his lectures during the summer had been about the arcana, though; that had been interesting. Is it from him she'd first heard of the collective unconscious...? Igor and Theo had called it something else, she's pretty sure.]
That's why I could fuse together all kinds of different gods and angels and creatures and stuff that I'd never heard of, right? Because they exist in the minds of humanity as a whole?
[She just snorts and shakes her head. Yes, people wear jeans, Dazai. Yukari looks really good in them, too!]
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(he can only speculate, but so far, it's all that makes sense, isn't it? if that's what she was fighting for at home. his arms stretch again, almost a habit, before he taps the grass in thought.)
Perhaps that's why the Arcana is a thing, too. Jung said there were some archetypes, too. The persona, the shadow, the anima, and the self.
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But she looks up in clear curiosity, tilting her head again.] What are those?
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Persona literally means 'mask', they're all the social masks that we wear in groups and situations, it's how we present ourselves to the world. The shadow meant... If I'm not mistaken, it's about sex and life instincts? Repressed ideas, weaknesses, desires, things we have to leave behind in order to adapt to cultural norms and expectations. Anima was the feminine image, and animus the male one, it's about gender identity, the self... The unified unconsciousness and consciousness of an individual. I think that was about it, and then there's the other archetypes, that are sort of personality types. Ruler, explorer, rebel, lover, so on, so on.
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[She'd almost definitely slept through the class itself on that topic, but the first two are really interesting. She's not consciously trying to keep it from her face as she chews it all over; Dazai knows enough about it, and he's told her enough about the weirdness in his world, that she knows he'll believe her if she tries to explain any of it. It's just deciding which parts she wants to ask about, and which parts she wants to bother explaining. She definitely doesn't want to implicate Shinji in all of it, or any of the others, that's for sure.
...Aaaah that's a lot of work. She's going to need a nap after this.]
I guess that makes sense. I mean, they called all those different gods and things I was using my Personas, and the monsters I was fighting were called Shadows. They made it sound like most people only have one Persona, though, and it's pretty rare to be able to have more than one like me.
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(mystery solved. she doesn't have to explain more than she wants to, he already has what he wanted to know when they first started talking about it - what her world is like, what she is, where does she fit, why gods are playing as such.)
I don't remember if Jungian psychology said there was more than one for each person, but I suppose it would make sense. We swift and change and mask differently each time, don't we? So, which is yours? Your Persona.
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[Read: she hasn't even tested to see if it's possible here. She carried her Evoker into the forest, but isn't carrying it now. Initially, she'd been afraid that carrying around a gun would make people ask tricky questions, but even after it became obvious that people are just carrying around weapons like it's no big deal, it still seems a little weird to just start doing it now.
Something about the ease with which he just accepts that it's normal to have more than one makes a little bubble of something she'd forgotten she'd been worried about pop in her chest, a sudden surge of emotion that closes her throat for a second and stops her from answering. Everybody else only had one. They were able to evolve their Persona to something stronger after coming to terms with their own personal struggles, but they'd never had more than one. She'd thought maybe there was something wrong with her; the way Thanatos burst out of Orpheus at the time had been kind of scary, even if her memories of that are hazy enough that it's mostly based on what she'd been told after, not what she actually remembers.
She doesn't start crying at the idea that it's normal to be able to swap around one's true self, but she can't speak immediately, trying to keep her emotions in check.]
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he doesn't know if 'no longer human' would help, if she can even feel it. it makes one either very relieved from not bearing a burden, or frightened to death of having a part of themselves missing, so he hesitates - should he come to her aid, should he drape his coat around her, she probably can see the back and forth once he's back sitting.
he'll only sigh, looking at her for a second, offering a hand. she can choose to be comforted, after all.)
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She takes a breath through her nose, holds it, and lets it out again, forcing herself to swallow what had been choking her and reach to pick up the other half of the sandwich she'd been eating and put it in his hand. There you go. For you.]
They're all my Personas, [she says finally, swallowing past a lump in her throat and forcing herself to answer normally.] The one I awoke to myself was Orpheus, though I don't have her with me anymore.
[Thanatos hadn't been hers, really, back then; that had been Ryoji, sealed inside her ten years ago.]
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Oh. OH. Wo-- That's cool.
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[Well, the confusion is enough to snap her out of the last lingering bits of the emotion she'd been struggling with, leaving her blinking at him and trying to figure out if she's being made fun of.]
Is it...?
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cw suicide mention
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cw self harm/suicide attempt mention
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