Ah, no, I don't like the cold. I think I've mentioned, I don't like pain, and fridges and ice burn! No, thank you. I'll try to drown like a normal, sane person.
I just got really, really tired. In the last few days before I arrived here, people started asking if I was getting enough sleep, or if I was sick. But I promised all my friends we'd meet on the roof for graduation, so... I just kept going. I don't remember a lot from that month between the final battle and graduation day.
I think I was falling asleep on the roof with Aigis... that's what everyone says they want, right? To die in their sleep?
(all he can do is listen, although to be fair, there's a jab of jealousy from what she tells him. he-- he can't die, in every word of the sense. beneath the bandages are the proof that dazai's tried, many, many times, and when no one can see, new scars form around deeper ones. all neatly wrapped, from his ankle to his neck, because he doesn't want to be reminded, nor does he find the beauty in how he has survived, unlike other people might have.
all this paints a very tragic picture of someone trapped in their bones, who struggle to see a reason to forward, and then odasaku appears in his brain. perhaps it's intentional that he lets his expression show a bit of sadness, whether that is out of his own jealousy or out of some feeling towards kotone's own death is up in the air.)
And yet, no one I've met who's passed had that luxury. I still think I'd rather drown.
[She hums quietly, rubbing her fingertips against her teacup. All this heavy talk isn't like her, but it's something that's been lurking in the back of her mind for... a while. Since Ryoji's revelation, sort of, but more since everyone forgot at the end of January. Since her last meeting with Akinari, maybe.
Akinari might have been the only one who passed peacefully. She hopes, anyway, but she can't know for sure. He'd been in a lot of pain before, so...]
Why do you want to die, Dazai-san...? [It's a quiet, honest question as she glances up at him, fairly certain that he won't answer truthfully.]
(it's not that he particularly wants to die. it's a matter of finding it extremely difficult to stay alive, the struggle when your own heart is filled with unquenchable darkness and a pit of loneliness. he tries with nails and teeth, he's done things that would make kotone sick in her stomach to even consider it, and he hasn't found it. dazai now walks in the light, and still, that hole won't close.
maybe, just maybe, if he does better, he'll become better. he has a promise to upkeep.
It's a simple enough answer, really, and more than that, she gets it. Death had been such a big part of her life for almost as long as she can easily remember. It's easy to think about it as something to be welcomed instead of feared.
So she puts her cup down and scoots around the edge of the blanket to try to give him a hug without pressing too hard against any of his bandages (the true challenge).]
(this is something he could have predicted. kotone is distant at times, but in way cold, much to the contrary. she's warm, accepting, and clearly altruistic - but it's not like the teenagers he's often mentored were rather interested in hugging him, or that he opened that possibility for some of them.
so, he's dumbfounded, almost like a record scratch, a hand very, very awkwardly tapping her back as he hears-- well, a ringing in his ears. what the actual fu)
Probably not for long, Koto-chan! But I'll do my best to at least teach you psychology. I'm no professor, but I know a little bit.
[It's a little bit of a tease as she keeps holding him for just a few seconds longer before finally letting go. Sorry buddy, your personal space? It's hers now, and she just stays sitting right there.]
I'd like that. I guess I don't have school anymore, and you never really got to go, so it could be fun!
(a pat on her head when she lets go, there, there, he's still a little weirded out - he definitely does not deserve this nice treatment, kotone, please, he's a piece of shit.
he... well, he had tutoring, but it wasn't the normal type, with sports, festivals, classmates, teenage intrigue. it was him, most likely in dark room with mori and elise, and his brain.)
Hmmm... that's true! I aced all my exams but I slept through a lot of my classes, so...
[She studied a lot on her own time, okay?!
It's kind of a whirlwind of options that leaves her head spinning a bit, so she just shrugs and nods again.]
Yeah, any of that! What do you think is the most useful? Body language, probably, right...? Since it's harder for me to tell what people want to hear in this place.
[Because she doesn't have help from her Personas and matching Arcanas for most people.]
Ah, alright, alright! The art! The theatrics! Alright, cool, cool! The first thing ever to do is set a baseline for behavior, voice, and speech. You need to make note of how people act in general before you can catch the rest! You do also need to understand that it changes from person to person, and these are indicators, rather than a complete and concrete thing, alright? Alright!
[She nods again, clearly absorbing everything he's saying. There is a part of her that does want to take out her notebook and take notes, but... no. Dazai might make fun of her for that, so she'll just try to retain what she can.]
Example from interrogation! When you first meet a suspect, you strike very normal conversation! Where do you live? What do you like? Who is your best friend? -- Then you listen. You watch if they move a lot, talk a lot, talk a little, do they repeat words when they're in a more relaxed state?! Are they flamboyant? Quiet?
Then, when you start pressing, you can see. Sometimes people talk way too much when they're nervous. Maybe they stutter in ways they didn't before. Or they become quiet. It's the same. You need to see how someone is before you go poking.
[Her brow furrows, because she was with him for the first half -- that all sounds like normal stuff she'd want to talk to someone about, anyway. It's the second half that she isn't sure how or when to use.]
I don't really want to make people nervous. I'd like to help people, if I can...
I never said you had to. I said it's important to know how their neutral behavior is before you can identify anything else. That includes anxiety, after all. It's still an emotion you need to recognize if you want to understand what people want to hear.
(what if she makes them nervous on accident and can't fully recognize it because it's not all that clear? that's the point he's making.)
[So she knows when to stop pushing for a little while, or at least recognize what things make someone nervous. She nods, tapping her lips with one finger and humming to herself.]
Every person's baseline is different, huh...? Is there anything that you've noticed is more consistent among most people?
Can't, everyone is different, that's the reason why people are incredible. Just pay attention to.. Blink rate, breathing, body movement speed, cadence of voice, context and the environment.
(the last two the most important. someone can feel comfortable in a crowd, or completely out of place.)
So not Senpai, then. His expressions are really subtle, most of the time. I know him well enough that I can read them, at least, but I wouldn't say they give away that much...
[Except when she embarrasses him on purpose, which is really funny, but unhelpful for this.]
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She snorts a laugh at him and takes a sip from her forgotten teacup.]
Well, the fridges seem to be working again, so you could try sticking your head in one to cool down.
cw suicide mention
(THIS IS NOT SANE.)
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[Just... saying.]
I guess I got lucky. It didn't really hurt when I was dying.
[Since they're on the topic now, anyway.]
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(but always, someone thinks they're doing a great deed.)
Peacefully?
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[She shrugs and nods.]
I just got really, really tired. In the last few days before I arrived here, people started asking if I was getting enough sleep, or if I was sick. But I promised all my friends we'd meet on the roof for graduation, so... I just kept going. I don't remember a lot from that month between the final battle and graduation day.
I think I was falling asleep on the roof with Aigis... that's what everyone says they want, right? To die in their sleep?
[She forces a bright smile.]
Definitely better than drowning, if you ask me!
cw self harm/suicide attempt mention
all this paints a very tragic picture of someone trapped in their bones, who struggle to see a reason to forward, and then odasaku appears in his brain. perhaps it's intentional that he lets his expression show a bit of sadness, whether that is out of his own jealousy or out of some feeling towards kotone's own death is up in the air.)
And yet, no one I've met who's passed had that luxury. I still think I'd rather drown.
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Akinari might have been the only one who passed peacefully. She hopes, anyway, but she can't know for sure. He'd been in a lot of pain before, so...]
Why do you want to die, Dazai-san...? [It's a quiet, honest question as she glances up at him, fairly certain that he won't answer truthfully.]
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(it's not that he particularly wants to die. it's a matter of finding it extremely difficult to stay alive, the struggle when your own heart is filled with unquenchable darkness and a pit of loneliness. he tries with nails and teeth, he's done things that would make kotone sick in her stomach to even consider it, and he hasn't found it. dazai now walks in the light, and still, that hole won't close.
maybe, just maybe, if he does better, he'll become better. he has a promise to upkeep.
it's hard, though. odasaku knew it would be.)
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It's a simple enough answer, really, and more than that, she gets it. Death had been such a big part of her life for almost as long as she can easily remember. It's easy to think about it as something to be welcomed instead of feared.
So she puts her cup down and scoots around the edge of the blanket to try to give him a hug without pressing too hard against any of his bandages (the true challenge).]
I'm glad we met.
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so, he's dumbfounded, almost like a record scratch, a hand very, very awkwardly tapping her back as he hears-- well, a ringing in his ears. what the actual fu)
Probably not for long, Koto-chan! But I'll do my best to at least teach you psychology. I'm no professor, but I know a little bit.
(more like a fuckload.)
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[It's a little bit of a tease as she keeps holding him for just a few seconds longer before finally letting go. Sorry buddy, your personal space? It's hers now, and she just stays sitting right there.]
I'd like that. I guess I don't have school anymore, and you never really got to go, so it could be fun!
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he... well, he had tutoring, but it wasn't the normal type, with sports, festivals, classmates, teenage intrigue. it was him, most likely in dark room with mori and elise, and his brain.)
Alright, shall we begin?
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Oh... you want to start now?
[She blinks and sits back on her heels, taking her teacup with a nod and a shrug.]
Alright! Should I take notes? Will there be an exam?
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(dazai... DAZAI...)
What do you want to know the most? Ah, the very beginning? No! More Jung? AH, no. War strategy--! Body language?
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[She studied a lot on her own time, okay?!
It's kind of a whirlwind of options that leaves her head spinning a bit, so she just shrugs and nods again.]
Yeah, any of that! What do you think is the most useful? Body language, probably, right...? Since it's harder for me to tell what people want to hear in this place.
[Because she doesn't have help from her Personas and matching Arcanas for most people.]
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[She nods again, clearly absorbing everything he's saying. There is a part of her that does want to take out her notebook and take notes, but... no. Dazai might make fun of her for that, so she'll just try to retain what she can.]
So what kind of baseline should I set?
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Then, when you start pressing, you can see. Sometimes people talk way too much when they're nervous. Maybe they stutter in ways they didn't before. Or they become quiet. It's the same. You need to see how someone is before you go poking.
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[Her brow furrows, because she was with him for the first half -- that all sounds like normal stuff she'd want to talk to someone about, anyway. It's the second half that she isn't sure how or when to use.]
I don't really want to make people nervous. I'd like to help people, if I can...
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(what if she makes them nervous on accident and can't fully recognize it because it's not all that clear? that's the point he's making.)
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[So she knows when to stop pushing for a little while, or at least recognize what things make someone nervous. She nods, tapping her lips with one finger and humming to herself.]
Every person's baseline is different, huh...? Is there anything that you've noticed is more consistent among most people?
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(the last two the most important. someone can feel comfortable in a crowd, or completely out of place.)
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I think I can do that. I kind of do it already, anyway...
[Except before, her Personas would give her little hints when they were closely related to whomever she was talking to. It's harder without that.]
Do you have any advice for how to practice that?
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(which is very funny for a mafioso. anyway, easy dunk, moving on,)
Someone whose expressions give a lot. So you can make a mental map for them.
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So not Senpai, then. His expressions are really subtle, most of the time. I know him well enough that I can read them, at least, but I wouldn't say they give away that much...
[Except when she embarrasses him on purpose, which is really funny, but unhelpful for this.]
I'll have to think about it.
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