I'd rather you not do that... I'd only try summoning them if it's really, really important.
[Read: she hasn't even tested to see if it's possible here. She carried her Evoker into the forest, but isn't carrying it now. Initially, she'd been afraid that carrying around a gun would make people ask tricky questions, but even after it became obvious that people are just carrying around weapons like it's no big deal, it still seems a little weird to just start doing it now.
Something about the ease with which he just accepts that it's normal to have more than one makes a little bubble of something she'd forgotten she'd been worried about pop in her chest, a sudden surge of emotion that closes her throat for a second and stops her from answering. Everybody else only had one. They were able to evolve their Persona to something stronger after coming to terms with their own personal struggles, but they'd never had more than one. She'd thought maybe there was something wrong with her; the way Thanatos burst out of Orpheus at the time had been kind of scary, even if her memories of that are hazy enough that it's mostly based on what she'd been told after, not what she actually remembers.
She doesn't start crying at the idea that it's normal to be able to swap around one's true self, but she can't speak immediately, trying to keep her emotions in check.]
(a rare sight is for dazai to be confused, to be puzzled at what he sees. at home, it's ridiculously easy to read situations, he has files upon files, knowledge that stacks infinitely until all it takes is just a look for him to know way too much, way too fast. the same is often reality here, but there are gaps that his knowledge can't fill, simply because it doesn't translate. his world isn't made of personas, of shadows, but instead their own beliefs and abilities, poetry that can flow through one's fingers.
he doesn't know if 'no longer human' would help, if she can even feel it. it makes one either very relieved from not bearing a burden, or frightened to death of having a part of themselves missing, so he hesitates - should he come to her aid, should he drape his coat around her, she probably can see the back and forth once he's back sitting.
he'll only sigh, looking at her for a second, offering a hand. she can choose to be comforted, after all.)
[She just kind of looks at his hand, confused by what he's offering. Right. He'd asked a question, hadn't he? Give her a few seconds, she just has to remember to breathe again. Right. It's normal to be able to switch what's in your head to match the person you're talking to, isn't it? That's what he's saying?
She takes a breath through her nose, holds it, and lets it out again, forcing herself to swallow what had been choking her and reach to pick up the other half of the sandwich she'd been eating and put it in his hand. There you go. For you.]
They're all my Personas, [she says finally, swallowing past a lump in her throat and forcing herself to answer normally.] The one I awoke to myself was Orpheus, though I don't have her with me anymore.
[Thanatos hadn't been hers, really, back then; that had been Ryoji, sealed inside her ten years ago.]
(he is dumbfounded for just one second before he laughs a little, because, well, no, he was trying to be comforting, not to score a sandwich. putting that aside for a second, brain search...)
[Well, the confusion is enough to snap her out of the last lingering bits of the emotion she'd been struggling with, leaving her blinking at him and trying to figure out if she's being made fun of.]
It is. Orpheus is legendary! Orpheus and Whatshername, about to be married-- bam, not anymore, so Orpheus goes down to the underworld, and Orpheus' eloquence 'melted the hearts of the gods, and all fell silent'! Tell me that's not incredible in itself.
[She's still kind of blinking, more than a little thrown by his reaction. No one in SEES had been impressed by Orpheus, which made sense at the time. They'd all been really busy with everything else, and then going through Tartarus, picking up other Personas, fusing them...
Idly, she wonders how he'd react to know which Personas she has with her right now. She laughs a little, almost embarrassed.]
So what do you think that says about me? If Personas are supposed to be our mask, like you said.
Does it matter what I think? I like to see underneath it, and what I see shouldn't matter that much.
(please, don't become someone who needs dazai's opinion to move forward. it hardly ever ends well. he might be kinder than he thinks he's capable of being, but he's very much his own way of kind. kind in the way he wants to be, he's capable of being, when it's necessary to be.)
A man's gotta have his secrets, Koto-chan! But I can't imagine how that must be, this whole Persona deal... But I suppose you can't imagine my world, either. Isn't that interesting? I can't imagine having something so clear to think about.
(says, well, the man whose whole deal and ability say way too much. everyone's much like that.)
Hmm... well, for me, it's not something a lot of people know about. You don't mind keeping it to yourself, right? I don't want to answer a bunch of annoying questions.
[Plus, like, if people start bothering Shinji, that's a big no from her.]
It is really interesting how different people are. Astralin-san made me a little flower made out of ice! I can't do anything like that.
[That actually does reassure her. If it benefits him to tell someone, she'll trust his judgement. Or she'll figure out a way to just send all of that person's questions back to him.]
Uncool? It seems like it would be really unique and useful.
And it is. It isn't like turning into a tiger, or having super strength, or summoning an entity, or becoming visibly stronger the more money and assets you offer your ability -- that's sort of what it means! I just boop on occasion!
[Reaches out with one finger to try to boop his forehead. They've already established that it doesn't seem to do anything to her, but it's funny to boop.]
Like I said, I haven't tried summoning my Persona. It can be kind of difficult...
[She raises her hand up to her temple in the shape of a gun for just a moment before letting it fall.]
I need a special tool to do it. Someone explained it to me, but it was kind of complicated. It has to do with accepting our own mortality to gain the strength to do it, I think.
Is it...? I mean, if there's another way to summon it, I don't know how. Besides, sometimes Personas can... turn against their user, or someone can lose control over them. It's probably safer to use the correct tool.
[She's learning! Look at the way she doesn't change her expression or hesitate when talking about how people can lose control of their Personas!]
(oh, look at her, congratulations! it does still mean, that, like, this either could happen to her and she was warned, or she saw this happen, but look at her!! good job.)
This happened to us once, but it was... An attack, of sorts.
(ahahahaha. not like he was involved in it in any shape or form.)
[For the former, it probably had to do with how Strega members had gotten their Personas in the first place. For the latter, well... it could have been Shinji's inexperience or it could have been something about the fight itself. That's not something to share with anyone, though.]
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[Read: she hasn't even tested to see if it's possible here. She carried her Evoker into the forest, but isn't carrying it now. Initially, she'd been afraid that carrying around a gun would make people ask tricky questions, but even after it became obvious that people are just carrying around weapons like it's no big deal, it still seems a little weird to just start doing it now.
Something about the ease with which he just accepts that it's normal to have more than one makes a little bubble of something she'd forgotten she'd been worried about pop in her chest, a sudden surge of emotion that closes her throat for a second and stops her from answering. Everybody else only had one. They were able to evolve their Persona to something stronger after coming to terms with their own personal struggles, but they'd never had more than one. She'd thought maybe there was something wrong with her; the way Thanatos burst out of Orpheus at the time had been kind of scary, even if her memories of that are hazy enough that it's mostly based on what she'd been told after, not what she actually remembers.
She doesn't start crying at the idea that it's normal to be able to swap around one's true self, but she can't speak immediately, trying to keep her emotions in check.]
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he doesn't know if 'no longer human' would help, if she can even feel it. it makes one either very relieved from not bearing a burden, or frightened to death of having a part of themselves missing, so he hesitates - should he come to her aid, should he drape his coat around her, she probably can see the back and forth once he's back sitting.
he'll only sigh, looking at her for a second, offering a hand. she can choose to be comforted, after all.)
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She takes a breath through her nose, holds it, and lets it out again, forcing herself to swallow what had been choking her and reach to pick up the other half of the sandwich she'd been eating and put it in his hand. There you go. For you.]
They're all my Personas, [she says finally, swallowing past a lump in her throat and forcing herself to answer normally.] The one I awoke to myself was Orpheus, though I don't have her with me anymore.
[Thanatos hadn't been hers, really, back then; that had been Ryoji, sealed inside her ten years ago.]
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Oh. OH. Wo-- That's cool.
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[Well, the confusion is enough to snap her out of the last lingering bits of the emotion she'd been struggling with, leaving her blinking at him and trying to figure out if she's being made fun of.]
Is it...?
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[She's still kind of blinking, more than a little thrown by his reaction. No one in SEES had been impressed by Orpheus, which made sense at the time. They'd all been really busy with everything else, and then going through Tartarus, picking up other Personas, fusing them...
Idly, she wonders how he'd react to know which Personas she has with her right now. She laughs a little, almost embarrassed.]
So what do you think that says about me? If Personas are supposed to be our mask, like you said.
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(please, don't become someone who needs dazai's opinion to move forward. it hardly ever ends well. he might be kinder than he thinks he's capable of being, but he's very much his own way of kind. kind in the way he wants to be, he's capable of being, when it's necessary to be.)
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[Booo. She sticks out her tongue when he doesn't answer and settles back with her cup of tea.]
But you don't have to tell me if you don't want. Like I said, I don't have Orpheus anymore, anyway.
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(says, well, the man whose whole deal and ability say way too much. everyone's much like that.)
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[Plus, like, if people start bothering Shinji, that's a big no from her.]
It is really interesting how different people are. Astralin-san made me a little flower made out of ice! I can't do anything like that.
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(if it gives her any sense of security.)
Neither can I! In truth, I don't remember seeing an ability like that either. Even my own... It's very powerful, rare, but sort of uncool.
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Uncool? It seems like it would be really unique and useful.
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[Reaches out with one finger to try to boop his forehead. They've already established that it doesn't seem to do anything to her, but it's funny to boop.]
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(which, well, fun, but also terrible!! he wants to be hugged and petted sometimes!!)
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She draws her finger back with a shrug.]
You'll have to show me some time. It might not be very showy, but it sounds cool to me.
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Like I said, I haven't tried summoning my Persona. It can be kind of difficult...
[She raises her hand up to her temple in the shape of a gun for just a moment before letting it fall.]
I need a special tool to do it. Someone explained it to me, but it was kind of complicated. It has to do with accepting our own mortality to gain the strength to do it, I think.
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(is it a gun? any gun? he taps himself, as if it's something he tends to have.)
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I don't have it with me. It's in my room. It's useless if someone doesn't have a Persona, so it's not like it's dangerous to leave it somewhere.
[And like, if someone stole it, what would they do with it...? She's not too worried about that possibility.]
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(sir, your co-coworker has absurd strength, on the caveat he's hungry, and when he eats, he falls asleep. like. who are you to say that shit.)
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[She's learning! Look at the way she doesn't change her expression or hesitate when talking about how people can lose control of their Personas!]
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(oh, look at her, congratulations! it does still mean, that, like, this either could happen to her and she was warned, or she saw this happen, but look at her!! good job.)
This happened to us once, but it was... An attack, of sorts.
(ahahahaha. not like he was involved in it in any shape or form.)
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[For the former, it probably had to do with how Strega members had gotten their Personas in the first place. For the latter, well... it could have been Shinji's inexperience or it could have been something about the fight itself. That's not something to share with anyone, though.]
What happened when you were attacked?
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cw suicide mention
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cw self harm/suicide attempt mention
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