nullificates

I think you're grossly misreading the Slug and I.

I am not but very well, I can see you are not ready to delve into those topics in regards to him. Yet, you seem fairly willing in indulging me in those.

[ except for the fact dazai won't fuck him for...whatever reason ]

(that's the thing, isn't it? fyodor doesn't get the reason. he doesn't understand what dazai means when he refuses - it's not that he doesn't want to.

it's just that, at this time, he doesn't feel like it should be just a peace agreement. fyodor needs to see and feel new things. dazai's a part of that.)

I can't be ready to dwelve on a topic that doesn't exist.

Oh, I see. Is this an experiment? [ he hums, retrieving his hand and sitting up. it looks like he's tinkering with a thought or two, except fyodor is so far from the bullseye it should be embarrassing for him.

but it's not: ] It does, and is that why you're rejecting me? For him? I suppose that would make some sort of sense.

But still, Dazai-kun, he very much would like to sleep with you-after all, the beds wouldn't be pushed together if it were not so.

(and fyodor is killing him here. just murdering him. and the face he makes is both confusion and utter disgust.)

Absolutely not. I'm barely rejecting you. I just want you to think some things through - and, for your information. The beds are like that because 'No Longer Human' is a great way to calm a chaotic ability, it helps him sleep, and if he sleeps, then I can have some peace. I can sleep next to you too, if you want to try that out.

[ he is giving dazai an 'are you kidding me?' look when he glances back but then shakes his head. idiots in denial will be idiots in denial. ]

My sleep is very peaceful. [ because he sleeps like a fucking vampire but whatever, details. he passes the wine back towards the door. ] Just drink your wine, Dazai-kun. Maybe it will inspire you to find a way out of here in case I do not.

Is it? You cannot say 'Crime and Punishment' just quiet down and snuggle one another as you fall asleep. I don't believe that for one second.

(one day, fyodor will rest against dazai's shoulder, and he will understand real sinless peace, and he will get it. dazai has two hands.)

Is it that restless for you?

I don't think it matters. [ fyodor tilts his head, belligerence in every gesture made. crime and punishment is not like other abilities in far too many ways to explain in simple words. if dazai has not guessed its truth then fyodor is not inclined to reveal it.

after all, he may have agreed to work together with him but trust? that is another question entirely. ]

To you or to me? It matters greatly to me!

(after all, it's part of fyodor, it's something to understand. how is someone so intelligent, so dangerously intellectual, so wonderfully like himself...

so like this?)

To either. [ crime and punishment are good friends, of course; subjected to dazai's inescapable nullification, fyodor thinks that to be as intolerable as the absolute judgment of his own ability. ]

The sun is unusually bright, it's a nice day. Take a nap, Dazai. It's a better way to spend your time than asking me questions.

I have no rest for my head, Fyfy.

(it absolutely is a fun way of asking for pets, but alas, dazai knows it would be impossible to sleep with all this clarity on his eyelids.)

[ fyodor considers suggesting they find a pair of bricks to sandwich dazai's head in between. you know, for extra comfort. but instead he gestures towards his lap having picked up the meaning of what dazai is asking for.

it's a small concession, perhaps, even a polite gesture in return for refusing dazai his answers. ]

(both probably know dazai won't sleep, but it's still nice to have that space provided, either way. his head rests against thighs, and he stretches a little, much like a needy cat, before a snort leaves him.)

A secret, Fyfy? I can't sleep with any light on at all.

[ dazai is immune to crime and punishment; that still doesn't take away the hesitation of his hand, the brief pause that betrays years of honed instinct to avoid touching in case--just in case, before it sets on curly brown hair. ] Oh? [ there is a considering hum. ] I suppose for someone who craves death as you do only the darkest embrace will do. No light means you can almost pretend it is not sleep but a crypt where you're being laid out for a final rest.

Don't you know me so well, Fy? You should get out of my mind sometimes?

(a quirky way to tell him he's right, but also, a hidden message that fyodor has a space there that he can't remove, can't nullify it himself.)

Perhaps that could be arranged by removing a part of your brain. [ not that fyodor will try; too much work, too much probability of simply ruining a good chess partner with no pay off. ]

You could ask Nikolai to use the overcoat to remove your eyeballs. It'd be cleaner than cutting them out and then you'd be in permanent darkness. [ rhythmic carding of fingers through dazai's hair. fyodor looks up at the blue stretch of sky; it's quiet, this place is too quiet, too abstractly benign to be trusted. ]

How would that work? Overcoat can't touch me, you know.

(a very confusing ordeal, isn't it? either way, he doesn't truly want that. his eyes are precious, they allow him to look up to fyodor's face, observing the observer with a gentle smile on his lips. it's genuine, although small.)

How could I watch you then? I'm not interested!

I suppose [ fyodor is reminded that dazai hasn't been there yet, when the overcoat very much did affect the space around dazai. a trick, but worth considering on several levels; there is also that one truth about dazai's ability: a single split second in which his condition allows abilities to function on him.

still, fyodor is reluctant to bring dazai so close to that edge simply for an experiment in this place. at home it'd be a different situation.

perhaps later. ]

How very voyeuristic of you.

[ the hand on dazai's hair moves, palm now covering his eyes ]

In this world or any others, you do know there is only one end to this, yes?

Ah, naturally? I want this, so there's only one way it could end. With it ending, of course? Makes me not want to want it.

(whatever 'this' and 'it' could mean, that's up to fyodor to understand and to fill the gaps. it's how dazai's always operated, after all. if it's someone, or something he could ever want, it'd be lost immediately once he achieved it, either by nature or, unknown to himself, sabotage.

either way, even as he says he doesn't want it, his hand covers the one on top of his eyes, caressing, trusting the other isn't bringing a knife to his heart - or hoping it is.)

[ he does not quite understand: there is a vague guess lacking empirical proof and practical experience. fyodor says nothing for a minute or two.

instead his free hand, thumb and forefinger press together and draw an invisible line over dazai's throat as if they held a scalpel. a swift, merciful death. but despite the fact there is a knife on his person, fyodor has agreed to a truce and will abide.

he knows things end but his religious leanings also make him believe in those things that have no end. that stretch out infinitely and embrace; eternity. ]

Then don't want it.

[ as easy as that to someone of fyodor's mind. ]

Are you asking for my sake or for yours?

(his head tilts back, as if he was offering more space for this mercy killing. it'd be ironic if it were a scapel to the throat that took him out, much like a certain someone whose death weighs on his shoulders, his mind ever so often returning to the blood splatter on the wall and the look on mori's face.)

Yours.

[ because if dazai doesn't want it then fyodor has no reason to consider it.

he drops the would-be knife wielding hand back onto the grass. ] Go court the Godling you pine after, chase all those pretty faces, if you must- challenge Nikolai to see how far you go.

You can't possibly think there's any pining, or anything other than mutual disgust. Are you that inexperienced?

(a question, fishing for a thousand answers hidden in each corner. it's a contradiction, he says he doesn't want it, but the hand that leaves him is held against his own.)

I know enough to know no one else will ever hold your emotions like that. You call it disgust but...

[ fyodor would never share had he a bond like that with someone. though he finds it curious how the thought briefly caused his heartbeat to increase with a pinch of discomfort.

a bond like that which is denied to someone of his nature, intellect and ability. ]

I have observed Double Black for a long time. [ have a secret in return for the confession of why sleep eludes dazai ]

And you call me a voyeur?

(rat in his rat cave with his rat monitors glowing, blinding a rat's eye. he can't help but to hold the hand a little closer to his heart, allowing it to feel its natural rhythm against fingertips.)

It's truly not that interesting. You might realize now why am I slightly deaf, though.

(he's not, but not for lack of chuuya's killing his eardrums.)

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tw; eye gore talk, violence

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