Absolutes are inescapable things, [ fyodor considers; he believes in them. he follows them, out of religious or personal belief. perhaps it is because his ability is this. but another point of divergence isn't necessarily bad between himself and dazai.
still. you and me together who can figure it out--that's new, he's played against dazai but to play with him--to have someone who needs no further elaboration to understand. that makes a delightful warmth curl in his chest.]
Only if you believe so. I walk a very grey line, wouldn't you think?
(a man whose heart bleeds in black, drips darkness with each and every step, but whose feet lead him to the light. no absolutes here. he is what he is, a recovering criminal, whose fingers would pull a trigger if needed, even against fyodor's chest.
either way, he wholeheartedly believes that if there is a way, it's only dazai and fyodor who could find it - not separate, but together, a unit, and he meant it when he said it. his hand gently tucks a strand of hair away from the man's face, only so he can see him better.)
[ he does not startle at the touch, instead chewing harder on his index finger, as he thinks. not so much about grey morality and whatnot, but how to get out of here and return.
after a minute, fyodor replies:] It also implies uncertainty. Doubt. Makes the margin of error wider.
(he doesn't think he's making fyodor nervous, nor is it his desire to do so. he's always been eating his fingers like that, so, he barely thinks it's connected.
he allows for the silence, eyes never leaving the other, watching his thoughtful expression as he laughs.)
Yes! That's, unfortunately, part of life. Or was Gogol taking us, as you say he did, predictable?
Surprising but not entirely unpredictable. I did not write his death onto the page after all. I allowed him to have that freedom for himself: life or death, and he chose--well, he chose to become something else. Not an ally, not a participant but a spectator to the game.
[ he turns back the weight of his gaze on dazai. ] But when you leave this place, then Meursault and go back to your simple detective life, will that make you less likely to crave for death? To be good? Are you not tired of going against your nature?
(he listens for a while, leaves that question in the air so that fyodor can attempt to find the answer by himself. there's no way of hiding who he is when it comes from the people from his own home. youngest boss in mafia history, his sole name makes people tremble and freeze, and yet? here he is.)
is it? fyodor searches for the lie in those liquid brown eyes; none that he can spot. he should be the demon prodigy and yet, yet. if truth be told, dazai's mental wellbeing is probably harmed by fyodor's violence. ]
No putting your faith in the unknown? How very you. [ the one thing fyodor does know to be absolute truth in this moment is that this, this right here, is fun. the back and forth, the challenge. ]
God won't enjoy it when you knock at His gates, Dazai.
[ ...what a weirdly obscure thing to say. as if they're both already dead. ]
[ dearest of mine. dearest of heart. dearest, darling dazai. fyodor bites his tongue, feels it swell inside his mouth, his chest. ] Maybe not Him but there must be some equivalent in this place.
Perhaps this one doesn't need holiness to allow approach.
It really isn't. It's messy and wet. [ trust fyodor to reduce something that ought to be romantic to basic, human terms that border on making it sound gross. ]
You could die tomorrow, but you won't because if you do, you'll leave the godling in my hands and you know very well that won't end well for anyone involved.
But, do you even remember your first kiss? If it's so 'remarkable' a thing.
Pretty as your sidekick is, no. I would not think a conversation of this sort would be palatable to him.
[ he is surprised by the information freely given, but-- ] Oh? And would I be wronged if I guessed it was your ex-partner who had the honor? [ the way fyodor curls his tone around the word 'honor', more mockery than actual heartfelt meaning. it is jealousy, of a sort. ]
(chuuya's unfairly pretty, and he would have kissed the man if he had had the chance growing up, but alas, fyodor will get the honest answer he seeks.)
You'd be absolutely wrong! I'd rather live in eternal suffering. It was a girl I had to escort for whatever reason.
[ he rolls his eyes at that comment, honestly who is dazai fooling here because... ] A girl you were escorting- so no one you care to remember much about? Why would you give that away to a person who was simply passing by your life instead of someone who was--[ fyodor gestures with one hand, as if to say 'remain' 'stay' 'last'. ]
She was your first and maybe you were her first, should that not have been more...important?
[ he thinks he would have liked to have been someone's first something but his hands are only good for death. he certainly has been everyone's first and last death so. ]
It was important, though. I'm a bit different in these things than most! She was nice and I almost died not too long after. It was enough for me at the time, see?
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still. you and me together who can figure it out--that's new, he's played against dazai but to play with him--to have someone who needs no further elaboration to understand. that makes a delightful warmth curl in his chest.]
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(a man whose heart bleeds in black, drips darkness with each and every step, but whose feet lead him to the light. no absolutes here. he is what he is, a recovering criminal, whose fingers would pull a trigger if needed, even against fyodor's chest.
either way, he wholeheartedly believes that if there is a way, it's only dazai and fyodor who could find it - not separate, but together, a unit, and he meant it when he said it. his hand gently tucks a strand of hair away from the man's face, only so he can see him better.)
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after a minute, fyodor replies:] It also implies uncertainty. Doubt. Makes the margin of error wider.
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he allows for the silence, eyes never leaving the other, watching his thoughtful expression as he laughs.)
Yes! That's, unfortunately, part of life. Or was Gogol taking us, as you say he did, predictable?
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[ he turns back the weight of his gaze on dazai. ] But when you leave this place, then Meursault and go back to your simple detective life, will that make you less likely to crave for death? To be good? Are you not tired of going against your nature?
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It's worth it, Fyodor.
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is it? fyodor searches for the lie in those liquid brown eyes; none that he can spot. he should be the demon prodigy and yet, yet. if truth be told, dazai's mental wellbeing is probably harmed by fyodor's violence. ]
I can see you believe that.
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(with a brain like that, it's only fair.)
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God won't enjoy it when you knock at His gates, Dazai.
[ ...what a weirdly obscure thing to say. as if they're both already dead. ]
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(and truth be told, neither is fyodor. they can sit in their hell cage, staring into the other's eyes, their personal paradise.)
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Perhaps this one doesn't need holiness to allow approach.
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Ah, so now we're not thinking about dying at home?
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[ fyo...no, murder is bad. ]
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[ ...fy pls.
he sits back, incredulity visible in the lines of his face. ] Ultimately, I can't murder you, we have an agreement.
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(he won't even dignify the latter with a response. fyodor dislikes touch enough for dazai to figure out why, and further imagine the consequences.)
So I must not get my kiss because of it? That's rather unfair. I could die tomorrow, you know, for non-Russian related causes.
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You could die tomorrow, but you won't because if you do, you'll leave the godling in my hands and you know very well that won't end well for anyone involved.
But, do you even remember your first kiss? If it's so 'remarkable' a thing.
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(the question does surprise him, but he laughs in response.)
Of course I do. It was irresponsible, mid mission, but I wasn't nervous. It was... Pretty nice.
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[ he is surprised by the information freely given, but-- ] Oh? And would I be wronged if I guessed it was your ex-partner who had the honor? [ the way fyodor curls his tone around the word 'honor', more mockery than actual heartfelt meaning. it is jealousy, of a sort. ]
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(chuuya's unfairly pretty, and he would have kissed the man if he had had the chance growing up, but alas, fyodor will get the honest answer he seeks.)
You'd be absolutely wrong! I'd rather live in eternal suffering. It was a girl I had to escort for whatever reason.
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She was your first and maybe you were her first, should that not have been more...important?
[ he thinks he would have liked to have been someone's first something but his hands are only good for death. he certainly has been everyone's first and last death so. ]
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...i am so sorry
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