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[nullificates]

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dazai

osamu

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[nullificates]

And you call me a voyeur?

(rat in his rat cave with his rat monitors glowing, blinding a rat's eye. he can't help but to hold the hand a little closer to his heart, allowing it to feel its natural rhythm against fingertips.)

It's truly not that interesting. You might realize now why am I slightly deaf, though.

(he's not, but not for lack of chuuya's killing his eardrums.)

[fatalism]

[ fyodor's fingers twitch, held over that heartbeat--he hates it, his hand stays. he will not allow what dazai wants. he cannot. ] Power like Chuuya-san's is interesting to me. [ yokohama's history of power house ability users that could shift the scales, truly of interest but...unimportant when weighed against the book. ]

I call you a lot of things I would also call myself.

[nullificates]

Should it be, when you despise them?

(as a tool, it should be fine, he knows this. it's simply a fun back and forth, like they'd do during the late nights of that stupid prison.)

Handsome?

[fatalism]

Think of it as the same category-defying disgust you feel towards your old partner. I despise it but it interests me too, it's a tool to achieve an aim.

[ he withdraws his hand from dazai's grip, leaving behind the steady beat of dazai's heartbeat. ] Certainly not that. Not for me at any case.

But you've fished well for your compliment so have it: yes, you are handsome.

[nullificates]

I suppose this place must be killing you alive? So many ability users, none like us, and yet? Would that means you'll work harder to take us home, or would you eventually accept, in case we are not able to?

(they don't know what will happen in the end of this. there's no idea, no real promise, aside from their awful intellect enthralled into a solution.)

I think you are beautiful, but alas, if you want to go with handsome...! We can do that!

[fatalism]

On the contrary, take Lovecraft for example. What he is, isn't a sin in my eyes. The same for those here who hold supernatural abilities, those follow the rules of their own worlds, and are the problem of those who inhabit the same. [ a pause ] I try not to get upset at things that are clearly beyond my control, Dazai-kun.

[ the pause at the compliment is longer than the previous one. the metaphorical gears turning in fyodor's head as to what dazai really means, and really wants, and is trying to do here. ]

Is that so? But you turned down the offer to fuck. Perhaps I'm not quite as handsome as your actual type.

[nullificates]

What he is isn't nice either, you do realize?

(poor fyodor, his brain will turn to dust.)

I didn't turn you down because of that. I did it because I want it to be something you would like, Fyfy! Something for you, not for me?

[fatalism]

Why should he be? He's not human, the laws of morality do not really apply to him. Let us be glad he's gone back to sleep.

[ those words don't really do much to help fyodor make sense of the situation but very well. for himself? fyodor isn't particularly selfish and yet...]

I wouldn't like sharing something that is mine.

[nullificates]

And yet, you want Chuuya awake, so you do understand he's human, don't you? Completely, disgustingly, annoyingly human.

(the fact that this is something that he wishes fyodor to understand is awfully telling. dazai straightens his back, to sit perhaps too close to fyodor.)

Which means?

[fatalism]

And yet that which sleeps inside him is not certainly not human. Do not worry, Dazai-kun, I have no intentions of taking your Godling away. It'd be a futile effort to try and win over something he has given to someone else already.

[ when dazai sits up, a little too close, fyodor jerks back instinctively. it isn't a significant distance but the motion itself has betrayed the surprise at the keen interest on his answer. isn't it obvious and simple? ]

You're not mine. [ and by that measure, fyodor truly has no real desire to sleep with dazai despite previously offering it so as a bargaining chip.

oh. ]

Oh. [ he says, stupidly obvious. ]

[nullificates]

Oh, please. By all means, when we're done with all this, you're more than welcome to chop him into little pieces.

(bullshit, but one dazai doesn't shy away from splurting. likewise, it's the same with chuuya. killing dazai would kill him in the process.

the admission, however, makes him slowblink a little. he wasn't ever expecting that to be a problem.)

You're not mine either, and yet, you offered. Do you want me to be yours solely?

[fatalism]

[ those words make fyodor really wish for that brick just to give dazai's brain a little, gentle, non-lethal smack. truly, watching double black from afar missed a lot of these more annoying nuances.

instinctively he brings his index finger to his mouth, teeth marks left on the pale skin as he thinks of the question and the answer, the implications and what dazai's own answer is, weights and matters. ]

Do you? [ he returns, eventually, seeking his own answer in dazai's. after all, he had simply offered sex as a bargaining chip, not giving due consideration to other things. things which, ultimately, shouldn't matter. don't matter. ]

[nullificates]

No one can be anyone's. Part of someone can be. I can give you parts of myself solely you can have, but not me entirely. That doesn't particularly exist.

(as heartbreaking as it is for someone as possessive as they own. it's feelings that only fyodor can bring out of him that dazai can give him, heartbeats for fyodor for him solely, but dazai can't want this too much.

it'll ruin them.)

[fatalism]

[ this is not the only point of diverging opinions between them. in the same way fyodor doesn't believe everything must end, he believes there can be devotion of that level. to be held by someone entirely.

he thinks of ivan, devoted entirely to fyodor's whims and orders. inefficient at times but still, he belonged to fyodor--one-sided, for sure, but real. nikolai is not, his one dear friend, and yet is not that desire to kill fyodor bordering on mania and devotion and obsession? (fyodor none of this is a good thing) ]

No. I would never be content with simply a part of someone. Not if what you're asking requires...intimacy.

[ emotional, physical. either or both. ]

[nullificates]

That's a shame. Do you understand now why I turned you down? There's too much intimacy in it for you, and I think you need to figure out what you want from these things.

(all this round and around, his lips touch the hand that is brought to them, before he rests his own on top of it. this should be it for their encounter this time, at least on this subject.)

[fatalism]

I already know, Dazai-kun.

[ someone entirely for himself. perhaps an impossibility but also something that fyodor isn't actively looking for, it isn't as important as the grand plan. the book. the bringing about of a better world.

but he is content to let the topic drop. ultimately, it isn't important. ]

[nullificates]

... I don't think you do, if you think our issues are so easy to fix with a quick fuck. I like you, you know. You want to run away from intimacy, but that's not possible to have that sort of interaction when one of us is smitten.

(he's confessing, but it's for a reason. it's so fyodor thinks, considers the weight of what he proposed to a smitten man. it's the lack of experience that makes fyodor not notice, not understand what he is doing.

so intelligent, but so naive.)

[fatalism]

You are not smitten with me. And I am not smitten with you. [ this is flatly offered, and it isn't that he's stung about being rejected. if anything, it would be meaningless and pointless to sleep with someone you can't own, who isn't yours. dazai pointing out that fyodor flees from intimacy isn't wrong but that is because he cannot abide one that isn't equal to his own in measure.

he deals with absolutes, yes this is perhaps why dazai was ultimately able to beat him(and fyodor does know, somewhere deep down, that there is something rigged in this game for him to lose).

from someone utterly selfless as fyodor is about, well, everything else, this seems to be something he can't help but be selfish about. ]

[nullificates]

And you bring that forward with what evidence, dear Rat?

(because surely fyodor can see how dazai looks at him, can't he? the look of someone who's endeared to playing with fire, the look he's giving fyodor right now. one of enamoured passion, and yet, calming, genuine. he has to wonder if fyodor can tell the differences in nuances in his smile, the emptiness and the real.)

[fatalism]

It's a ludicrous thought, we're trying to win a game. We're trying to kill each other.[ is that not antithetical to any and all expressions of genuine affection? fyodor would entertain a misguided crush before anything with the word 'smitten' involved.

and yet, he himself is the one who commented on the sadness of losing a chess partner. and despite that the smiles dazai offers all cut with the same sharpness, real or not. ]

[nullificates]

Since when has that been out of anything other than strategy?

(contrasting sides, a rather sad turn of events. he remembers how long he's known fyodor, most likely longer than one would expect, and he sighs a little. there probably has been a time where their knives weren't pointed at each other.)

[fatalism]

Would you happily put a love one through such suffering then? [ it isn't really an important question in the grand scheme of things, if anything, it is a little weak, a little too obvious in its intention to deter or derail the conversation. ]

[nullificates]

I never said I was happily about to murder you. Besides, I'd be glad to die with you, if you wanted it so.

(is it truly suffering if one yearns for it? it'd be the most romantic thing fyodor could ever provide him.)

[fatalism]

You've never expressed those sentiments before. I assumed otherwise. [ fyodor shakes his head. ] If I'm dead I can't get the book, therefore I cannot allow myself to die. [ not to consider it with the same appreciation dazai does. if fyodor had died, if he died here, now, a lot of others would be spared. ]

You'll have to, in th end. Or I will.

[nullificates]

Do you truly need my words to know something to be true? I enjoy challenging you, murdering you is solely a consequence to winning a life-or-death game, isn't it?

(he will... die? by dazai's hand, no less? he takes a moment to look at it and sigh. a hand that shouldn't kill, but will, if needed. he's not half the man he wants to be, is he?)