(the love of his life, always so restrained, reserved, concerned, for once letting lose. everywhere dazai's hand touches grips, they'll bruise, they might hurt, and he is also giving fyodor all he has, the rhythm dictated by what the other brings out in him. it's all maddening, too much that he has never had from fyodor in such a moment where contact felt dull for what felt an eternity. even he, who tends to be quiet, long gasps and whispers, finally whines back, gasps louder, and his revenge is to fist the hair harder, sink his teeth into the neck hard enough to draw blood.
he feels the push, the way 'no longer human' agitates within him. it's cancelling, numbing whatever comes to him in contact, but fuck-- he's so focused he did let it go. it's good that he can, it's good that he does. dazai wraps his arms around fy, keeping him in place as he takes over some of the work, fast, hard, as much as he is able to.)
[ they're being unusually loud for them, sorry anyone in the vicinity.
another sound, like he's being punched and he comes between them; wet warmth spills between their stomachs as fyodor keeps moving. it's not enough--he can never have enough of dazai, yes but this is a line. a boundary as the cooling sensation skims his skin and silences crime and punishment.
it hurts, everything hurts but it's not an unwelcome pain. when he told dazai that if he could, he would feel it for him, he meant it--he will feel the pain so dazai doesn't have to. ribs exposed, crime and punishment eating his insides as it does, so often, so alive, so its own entity within.
what are you sigma had asked, and fyodor did not reply because he does not know. a void, a whole, everything about him as if it had been penned down in the same way sigma was.
he lets dazai take the burden of the movement right now, just follows and tries to facilitate. dazai needs to feel good, fyodor wants this body to be used for dazai's pleasure until they're both satiated and exhausted and can't move. ]
(in his mind, there's nothing more beautiful than fyodor after climax. his reddened cheeks, his breathing, his expression, he sounds he can make, the way his heart beat is so loud he can hear it even from a bit of distance. it's divine, it's worship, it's godsend, and he can't ever believe in the supernatural as fyodor does, but if he did, this would be the closest he'd get to seeing what it feels like to believe.
it's the ideal time to switch positions, have fyodor on his back against the mattress as dazai finds his home between his legs. the pace is hardly different, but like this is easier to kiss, to kiss, and to kiss, like he's confessing each and every of those thoughts with how his lips move. it doesn't take too long for him, either, but--
he doesn't even want to leave once he fills the other.)
[ use me, use me, use me, break me, stay with me, don't leave me, kill me, kiss me, have me, break me—a myriad of uncontrolled thoughts that don't usually leave fyodor because of his level of control; stripped of it, both him and his ability are open for assault, for touch, for this. he goes willingly, scalp already burning after dazai's pulling.
the bed is comfortable, the angle more familiar and still so good. fyodor feels dazai come inside of him and he responds with a cry, way too loud and he grabs onto dazai with trembling limbs. he wants the other to stay close, even if he doesn't have his ability under control.
fyodor is shivering, like a fawn, sweat slick and flushed. everything is too much, and this is what he wanted to show dazai. what he is like without any shred of control and why he can't allow it. there is wetness clumping on his lashes as he blinks up at dazai.
he'll feel pain for dazai, he'll feel it for both of them, but if fyodor allows himself to feel fully--to the range he is able too, with that endless empathy--crime and punishment is no longer stable. ]
(once they're both satisfied, he can allow himself to slow down, to breathe, suck in air and finally open his eyes to look at the scene beneath him. he's so lucky - it barely matters if fyodor could kill him if he were anyone other than himself. he is who he is. with him next to fyodor, holding his hand, he can control it even when the other cannot. he's satisfied in more than a single way, and his hand moves to rid those eyelashes of the tears.
his cheeks hurt with how his smile blinds, large, teethful, genuine as he finally has to leave, lying next to the other to pull him into his lips. fyodor is going to ache, dazai will too, but they can take care of one another.
a laugh, though, escapes him.)
I'm going to act out more if you're going to ride me senseless when I do.
[ he swallows: ] It's dangerous [ to become senseless like that but dazai already knows, knows that fyodor cannot do this with anyone else and expect them to live. he turns on his side to face the other, a small smile when their mouths press together.
he's still shivering. ] You're lovely, Zaia. [ this is only for dazai to see. in the same way fyodor is not basking on how genuine that smile is from his lover, he traces it with his fingertips. ]
But please do not get in trouble.
[ which...hypocritical to ask after doing this as a reward but you know. ]
Ay, ay, Fy. You can't get sick, you're all sweaty.
(it's hard to even kiss, his smile won't give place to his lips to properly touch, but he'll bring fyodor closer, kissing the fingerprints against his lips, and perhaps, just perhaps-- giving it just a bit of a bite, a bit of a suck, just because fyodor is surely still so wonderfully sensitive.)
I know what I'm doing. Most importantly-- you should shower, eat.
[ oh that bite has immediate effect, a soft whine and fyodor jerks his hips seeking some friction to go along with that delicious sensation. ] I know you know what you're doing. [ let me help; for each thing dazai is doing, fyodor compiles the information, draws charts and does mathematical equations as if he could break this world down into predictable numbers and equations. ]
Not yet, we need...touch. [ it's physical but also emotional, the high of before not easy to detach from. if dazai is going to take care of his body, then fyodor will take care of dazai's soul. he can never erase the pain entirely but he will look after that, will follow whether the other needs a reassuring touch or company in the dark.
(this is such a beautiful color on fyodor. the craving, this apparent, to the point his body is asking, he can't want anything more, and now he will be difficult to want anything less. he's going to comply, hand sliding between them to stroke, a pace much more tranquil than the one they had employed not too long ago as his lips press against the other's cheek.)
If you get sick, you will not hear the end of it. Terms agreed upon?
[ he slips a slender leg between dazai's own, thigh pressing up against dazai's cock to offer him some stimulation too. between heavy-lids purple-red stares up at dazai, there is a certain level of clarity behind them despite the way his body is still shaking minutely: cold and overstimulated and damp.
oh, he's going to certainly be sick. ] Do I not get some mercy from getting you off repeatedly? I thought you said it was broken. [ his voice is raspy from the moans before, tone amused. ]
[ honest to god--fyodor bites dazai while pulling those familiar brown locks, it's not a mean enough bite but it's going to leave a mark, and then another. dazai may wear bandages but the soft skin of his jawline, the juncture between jaw and throat-all of that is going to be covered in love bites by the time fyodor is finished.
unlike dazai who is careful, fyodor isn't being particularly so right now especially after that gasp. ]
he knows fyodor has never seen him without the bandages, and it won't be today that he'll have the full view of his suffering, but a little bit is fine. the one around his wrist is shorter, blended with another, and he's using it to tie fyodor's forearms together.
and he waits to see what kind of expression he's going to make.)
[ his eyes flick down briefly to the revealed skin: paler due to the constant cover of bandages and scarred. so many scars, different ones that paint a canvas on dazai's skin--fyodor moans.
he feels the bandage loop around his forearms restricting his movements. a raised eyebrow as he meets dazai's eyes: challenge, want, curiosity. ]
(it only makes dazai tie it tighter, sliding between the legs as he were not too long ago, only so he can kiss the skin of fyodor's chest a little more comfortably. he never wanted fyodor to be pliant, not for too long. it's a trust test, one he knows never needs to be performed, they don't work like this, but--
watching fyodor's face where he can't control something is such a reward in itself.)
You should tell me what you want me to do to you, Fy.
[ he moves only enough to allow dazai to slide between his legs, to continue doing what he is. fyodor is watching him, curiously now as he asks. control is such an important thing for fyodor but still, he allows without fight. ]
I like everything you do to me Dazai, because it's you who does it.
I know. You've said it before, love, but I won't do a thing before you tell me exactly what you want me to do.
(with how fyodor is right now, sensitive, craving, urging... ah, interesting, isn't it? he will even take some skin and flesh between his teeth to taste.)
[ despite the fact he's already shivering, the feeling of teeth makes fyodor give a whimper; eyes fluttering close, mouth parting as he tries to summon the words. beneath his skin he feels crime and punishment awake but smothered. it is uncomfortable, having this ability, having it be unstable. ]
I'm cold, hold me. [ that seems like a good start, fyodor doesn't know what to ask for. kisses? touches? all he wants is dazai, dazai's soul between his teeth. dazai's everything. ]
(that's a start. it's not unwelcome, much to the contrary. he'd rather take care of fyodor in whichever way fits them best, and he knows he's cold. the sweat and the cool breeze won't do his health well, but it's fine for now. he does wrap arms, gluing bodies together, gluing lips against fair skin as he puts the blankets on top of them.)
[ the shivers running down his body have changed, they're less from overstimulation and more from being actually cold; the moment dazai wraps himself closer, fyodor presses back without hesitation. his hand settles on dazai's hip, thumb running over the jut in circular motion. ]
You can make me come without touching me. That felt good. [ what else? ] Sometimes, very early in the mornings when I'm truly asleep, I hope you'd crawl between my legs and fuck me awake.
I don't think I could ever sleep with anyone else aside from Nikolai and not think of you.
[ the previous bite that drew blood stings pleasantly, and this new one causes fyodor to jerk--wanting to lean into it but also pull away from the pleasure-pain that surges through him. ] I did. [ which means not just that but that he would do it again if asked, that he is curious enough to explore it but-- ]
Not in the near future, his dead face follows me. It puts me off.
[ ........fyodor please.
instead, he goes back to pressing the line of his body against dazai as if trying to drown both himself and his ability within dazai and no longer human. ]
(the bandages that keep his hands together, well, they're going for a little travel to the bedpost, where he places it securely. fyodor will not move much like this, the pillar between his wrists, and as soon as he's done, he's back to worshipping the skin, lips against the fairness of fyodor's abdomen, a lick that might indicate where he's planning to go.)
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he feels the push, the way 'no longer human' agitates within him. it's cancelling, numbing whatever comes to him in contact, but fuck-- he's so focused he did let it go. it's good that he can, it's good that he does. dazai wraps his arms around fy, keeping him in place as he takes over some of the work, fast, hard, as much as he is able to.)
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another sound, like he's being punched and he comes between them; wet warmth spills between their stomachs as fyodor keeps moving. it's not enough--he can never have enough of dazai, yes but this is a line. a boundary as the cooling sensation skims his skin and silences crime and punishment.
it hurts, everything hurts but it's not an unwelcome pain. when he told dazai that if he could, he would feel it for him, he meant it--he will feel the pain so dazai doesn't have to. ribs exposed, crime and punishment eating his insides as it does, so often, so alive, so its own entity within.
what are you sigma had asked, and fyodor did not reply because he does not know. a void, a whole, everything about him as if it had been penned down in the same way sigma was.
he lets dazai take the burden of the movement right now, just follows and tries to facilitate. dazai needs to feel good, fyodor wants this body to be used for dazai's pleasure until they're both satiated and exhausted and can't move. ]
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it's the ideal time to switch positions, have fyodor on his back against the mattress as dazai finds his home between his legs. the pace is hardly different, but like this is easier to kiss, to kiss, and to kiss, like he's confessing each and every of those thoughts with how his lips move. it doesn't take too long for him, either, but--
he doesn't even want to leave once he fills the other.)
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the bed is comfortable, the angle more familiar and still so good. fyodor feels dazai come inside of him and he responds with a cry, way too loud and he grabs onto dazai with trembling limbs. he wants the other to stay close, even if he doesn't have his ability under control.
fyodor is shivering, like a fawn, sweat slick and flushed. everything is too much, and this is what he wanted to show dazai. what he is like without any shred of control and why he can't allow it. there is wetness clumping on his lashes as he blinks up at dazai.
he'll feel pain for dazai, he'll feel it for both of them, but if fyodor allows himself to feel fully--to the range he is able too, with that endless empathy--crime and punishment is no longer stable. ]
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his cheeks hurt with how his smile blinds, large, teethful, genuine as he finally has to leave, lying next to the other to pull him into his lips. fyodor is going to ache, dazai will too, but they can take care of one another.
a laugh, though, escapes him.)
I'm going to act out more if you're going to ride me senseless when I do.
... That was lovely, Fy.
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he's still shivering. ] You're lovely, Zaia. [ this is only for dazai to see. in the same way fyodor is not basking on how genuine that smile is from his lover, he traces it with his fingertips. ]
But please do not get in trouble.
[ which...hypocritical to ask after doing this as a reward but you know. ]
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(it's hard to even kiss, his smile won't give place to his lips to properly touch, but he'll bring fyodor closer, kissing the fingerprints against his lips, and perhaps, just perhaps-- giving it just a bit of a bite, a bit of a suck, just because fyodor is surely still so wonderfully sensitive.)
I know what I'm doing. Most importantly-- you should shower, eat.
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Not yet, we need...touch. [ it's physical but also emotional, the high of before not easy to detach from. if dazai is going to take care of his body, then fyodor will take care of dazai's soul. he can never erase the pain entirely but he will look after that, will follow whether the other needs a reassuring touch or company in the dark.
devotion. ]
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If you get sick, you will not hear the end of it. Terms agreed upon?
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oh, he's going to certainly be sick. ] Do I not get some mercy from getting you off repeatedly? I thought you said it was broken. [ his voice is raspy from the moans before, tone amused. ]
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Not if the reason is you getting me off. It was broken, but it seems like measuring it with Jerry's own did the trick.
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fyodor wriggles a little, trying to get closer and make dazai give up--whine, they've gotten loud already, don't deprive him. ]
Very on brand for you but I'm clearly not doing something right if you're saying another man's name in bed right now.
[ and with that fyodor yanks on dazai's hair. ]
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(ah, now it's his turn to face the roughness and the ache? the gasp should tell him that he's into it, despite of what he might say.)
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unlike dazai who is careful, fyodor isn't being particularly so right now especially after that gasp. ]
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he knows fyodor has never seen him without the bandages, and it won't be today that he'll have the full view of his suffering, but a little bit is fine. the one around his wrist is shorter, blended with another, and he's using it to tie fyodor's forearms together.
and he waits to see what kind of expression he's going to make.)
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he feels the bandage loop around his forearms restricting his movements. a raised eyebrow as he meets dazai's eyes: challenge, want, curiosity. ]
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watching fyodor's face where he can't control something is such a reward in itself.)
You should tell me what you want me to do to you, Fy.
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I like everything you do to me Dazai, because it's you who does it.
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(with how fyodor is right now, sensitive, craving, urging... ah, interesting, isn't it? he will even take some skin and flesh between his teeth to taste.)
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I'm cold, hold me. [ that seems like a good start, fyodor doesn't know what to ask for. kisses? touches? all he wants is dazai, dazai's soul between his teeth. dazai's everything. ]
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What else?
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You can make me come without touching me. That felt good. [ what else? ] Sometimes, very early in the mornings when I'm truly asleep, I hope you'd crawl between my legs and fuck me awake.
I don't think I could ever sleep with anyone else aside from Nikolai and not think of you.
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Tell me everything, Fy. Did you enjoy to sleep with both of us that day? Would you want to more?
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Not in the near future, his dead face follows me. It puts me off.
[ ........fyodor please.
instead, he goes back to pressing the line of his body against dazai as if trying to drown both himself and his ability within dazai and no longer human. ]
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That's fair. Answer me a question?
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