I have never been someone who turns the other cheek. If you draw blood, I'll draw yours. [ you know, old testament style. he free hand taps the bruise on his cheek--you know exactly who he means and what he'll do. ]
Crime and Punishment is inevitable, but you understand now, yes? Why I am taking these precautions even with you.
The variables are too many, the risk outweighs the reward. I didn't lose control of Crime and Punishment, it was-- something else.
[ what if the same happens and dazai is left without the protection of no longer human? ] The physical aspect of us is just an expression, I love you regardless of it.
To preserve your life? Forever if necessary. [ after all, touching for fyodor is never been the normality, it was terrifying and then meaningless and then, now, something done sparingly with those he trusts. ]
Very well, what does your stomach want then? Something like tea?
it is only because fyodor has had years to master the act of not recoiling that he does not react when dazai touches him. the pressure feels like a hammer against his skin despite having barely been there.
what this gesture tells him, in no particular order of importance: dazai is a dick, and dazai really does wish to die right now. otherwise, fyodor is certain he would not have done this, even as a test. there are no tests or second chances with crime and punishment.
he coughs some of the water he was mid-sipping. turns to dazai with an expression that could curdle milk:]
part of dazai knew 'no longer human' had been active all along - he feels the numbness even more so than normal. he understands the way it works, how it makes him feel, and how it is taking over each and ever other breath.
the other part is that it wouldn't be so bad if it did activate.)
Fail, [ a deadpan reply followed by a quiet huff that is the equivalent of laughter. fyodor still tucks his long limbs away but the distance is no longer as starkly marked.
his paranoia has no more cure than dazai's own passive suicidality, but that is alright. that is something that concerns fyodor more:] You've only seen my ability at work once, briefly. Trust that I am taking these precautions for the sake of keeping my promise to you.
[ however: ] You really wish to die, beyond a shadow of a doubt, right now.
[ fyodor who values control to a degree of inhumanity, thinks it is too risky still. yet he lets it lie between them. ]
It can be, depending.
But will you not tell me what I can do for you? I would offer you death if that's what you want truly, but I know you just want to leave the godling to find our corpses.
[ fyodor's emotions are a thing kept private, even from dazai --but he doesn't seem to really feel much about most things. though it could well be a side effect of crime and punishment ]
We should have stayed in Siberia, perhaps we would've been ... better.
[ not dazai though, dazai belongs in the agency--it's good for him; fyodor is not selfish in that way. though he wishes he were-- he'd keep dazai to himself forever. ]
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Crime and Punishment is inevitable, but you understand now, yes? Why I am taking these precautions even with you.
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I understand, I just disagree.
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[ what if the same happens and dazai is left without the protection of no longer human? ] The physical aspect of us is just an expression, I love you regardless of it.
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(therefore, he can't agree. it's that simple. it's got no holes, forever active, protecting them as they are.)
I know. I just wish you could lie down with me right now.
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(how long will fyodor's fear last?)
I don't feel like it. My stomach doesn't want it.
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Very well, what does your stomach want then? Something like tea?
cw suicide ideation
(just saying. he's so tempted to just touch, to prove his point, logic over anxieties.)
Nothing.
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[ he draws the water glass back towards himself, and he has the audacity to sip from the straw. listen, he's thirsty and won't waste the water ]
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... and nothing happens.)
See.
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it is only because fyodor has had years to master the act of not recoiling that he does not react when dazai touches him. the pressure feels like a hammer against his skin despite having barely been there.
what this gesture tells him, in no particular order of importance: dazai is a dick, and dazai really does wish to die right now. otherwise, fyodor is certain he would not have done this, even as a test. there are no tests or second chances with crime and punishment.
he coughs some of the water he was mid-sipping. turns to dazai with an expression that could curdle milk:]
You mean to die.
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part of dazai knew 'no longer human' had been active all along - he feels the numbness even more so than normal. he understands the way it works, how it makes him feel, and how it is taking over each and ever other breath.
the other part is that it wouldn't be so bad if it did activate.)
Or I meant to heal your paranoia.
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his paranoia has no more cure than dazai's own passive suicidality, but that is alright. that is something that concerns fyodor more:] You've only seen my ability at work once, briefly. Trust that I am taking these precautions for the sake of keeping my promise to you.
[ however: ] You really wish to die, beyond a shadow of a doubt, right now.
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And you've seen mine. I'm indestructible in that regard, which obviously doesn't work with suicide.
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[ he thinks he understands a little better now. ] If you could have your ability fail right now, you would touch me.
Do you really wish to die via my ability? If so, just to die or to know what it feels like?
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(the mind control being taken by touch. the way he could free fyodor from being stuck to the floor.)
Seems painless.
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It can be, depending.
But will you not tell me what I can do for you? I would offer you death if that's what you want truly, but I know you just want to leave the godling to find our corpses.
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(he needs out of this bed.)
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Only if you drink water once you awake.
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(the 'please' is implied. )
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a pause and then he is lying by dazai, though not touching it's clearly close enough that the smallest shifts would bring them together. ]
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... How are you feeling?
(after all - both of them lost someone.)
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there is no lie there. ] It was an inevitable less. I am more concerned about the living.
[ he means you and this depression dazai !!! ]
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(he isn't particularly happy - gogol is the same type of miserable hidden behind a smile and a joke and the absurd.
still. won't change what's done. he can't blame fyodor.)
It's not so different. We're just not surrounded by ice.
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We should have stayed in Siberia, perhaps we would've been ... better.
[ not dazai though, dazai belongs in the agency--it's good for him; fyodor is not selfish in that way. though he wishes he were-- he'd keep dazai to himself forever. ]
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