nullificates

But I want you.

(isn't that the problem itself?)

And you have me.

[ because it really is that simple to fyodor. ] Are you afraid you might lose it?

[ me, he means me ]

For now. You'll leave me.

(does he not get it?)

Dazai, I will never leave you. Even death itself could not hold us apart, did you think I slept with you on a whim? It is part of a vow.

[ but of course they have different philosophies on this topic, and he did see that mirror he saw oda. ]

We will return. We won't remember. I-- won't want to go back.

(what he's saying is - he's scared. it's what he wants to say anyway.)

That is not in our hands right now, but rest assured that I do not wish to return right now either.

[ is he admitting he wants dazai more than the book? yes. ]

It's alright. [ to be afraid, he means. ]

Right now, but eventually you are. You're going back to that stupid Book as soon as you can, Chuuya prefers the Port Mafia, and I suppose the biggest declaration that Nikolai does have feelings for me is my head on a stick, so I suppose we are all doing great.

Ah, I see. I see now... [ fyodor scoots a little closer but is still careful with his distance. ] The book isn't about you or me, it is simply a piece of a long-term plan, Dazai.

The book cannot love me back, anymore than I could love it as I love you.

'No Longer Human' can't fail, Fyodor.

(please.)

And you'll go right back to it. I don't want to lose this. It... Hurts.

It's not just lack of faith that keeps me at a distance right now, Dazai. Drink some water, I got you a straw, you only need to lift your head a little if you don't wish to move.

[ he considers dazai's words. what he knows of meursault. what he knows may happen and unfold. ]

Of course it hurts, that's part of loving something deeply, but that is part of, how did you say it once? Humanity. It comes along with the foolishness and the sin.

I'm not thirsty.

(lies. his stomach is just not killing him because he's too hungry for it, too.)

... Yeah. I'm not great at it, neither are you.

I am not, [ he agrees but doesn't follow up. they're not talking about fyodor here ] I guess, I do not know how to show you what I mean.

Lying with promises of forever seems naive but ah, I would make a vow either way. As for the godling, his home may be the Port Mafia but he will never survive a world in which you are not in it.

Here or back home.

A man who believes in such promises such as heaven and hell as passionately as you do - I'd believe it.

... Do you think we're being foolish?

[ fyodor tilts his head ] No, but you're avoiding my second point, Zaia. The godling needs you as much you him- it is simply the natural way of things. Between you and the port mafia, even if he picked them over you it would slowly destroy him. [ there is no jealousy, only a desire for dazai to see this too. ] And as for Gogol, his attachment is a two end leash, you have more of him than you might think. [ it's easy for fyodor to see these things from outside, to feel them; apparently his empathy is not as buried in deep as he thought. that's a problem for his ability.

he lifts a hand to touch and then seems to think better of it. ] In this world, everyone is sinful and foolish, even us, but as you said what's wrong with that?

[ another beat then ] But I cannot be good like you. [ his cheek still hurts, he will pay sigma back for that. ]

(he knows they are. nothing wrong with it- they might be a little different, but they still happen to be people. it will hurt. everything hurts to one degree or another.

he misses gogol. chuuya isn't sleeping in the same bed. fyodor isn't touching him. hardships, hardships. he doesn't like pain, he doesn't like suffering. things are hard as they are. he knows the man is right, and it makes him sigh, almost like he is pushing weakness out of his lungs to no avail.)

You are who you are, Fyodor.

[ he taps his finger along the floor, the pattern clear despite not being offered on skin like before; it's precaution, paranoia, but if one lives as long as fyodor has with crime and punishment, there need to be contingency measures. this is the best he can do right now.

we won't leave you.

comfort, fyodor finds, comes in different ways--from a kiss against a bruised knee, to the rhythmic mantras that spell out one singular thought. he taps it again, and again while they continue their spoken conversation.

being empathetic doesn't mean fyodor is good at expressing it. ] And is that sufficient of an answer when I take another life? [ curious. ]

(he hears the tapping. fyodor can't promise that - not as much as dazai can promise to not want to die, but he supposes - perhaps the intent is worth something, isn't it? it must be.

he hears it.)

You speak as if you meant to do that. That'd be different, wouldn't it? We happen to have an agreement, still.

... I suppose what happened simply was what tends to happen when Crime and Punishment is involved, but I always thought you had a good command of it.

I have never been someone who turns the other cheek. If you draw blood, I'll draw yours. [ you know, old testament style. he free hand taps the bruise on his cheek--you know exactly who he means and what he'll do. ]

Crime and Punishment is inevitable, but you understand now, yes? Why I am taking these precautions even with you.

(he knows. he had just been drowned, after all. he'll wait and see.)

I understand, I just disagree.

The variables are too many, the risk outweighs the reward. I didn't lose control of Crime and Punishment, it was-- something else.

[ what if the same happens and dazai is left without the protection of no longer human? ] The physical aspect of us is just an expression, I love you regardless of it.

'No Longer Human' has never betrayed us.

(therefore, he can't agree. it's that simple. it's got no holes, forever active, protecting them as they are.)

I know. I just wish you could lie down with me right now.

I wish I could too. [ but he will not because he values dazai's safety over his own comfort ] Will you not drink something, please?

Will you not touch me forever, then?

(how long will fyodor's fear last?)

I don't feel like it. My stomach doesn't want it.

To preserve your life? Forever if necessary. [ after all, touching for fyodor is never been the normality, it was terrifying and then meaningless and then, now, something done sparingly with those he trusts. ]

Very well, what does your stomach want then? Something like tea?

Funny to say that to a man you promised to die with.

(just saying. he's so tempted to just touch, to prove his point, logic over anxieties.)

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cw suicide ideation