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(a grunt is all he does. go out when he can barely find the motivation to sit is rather complicated? drink water? why? dear lord, his head is killing him. there's a moment that's a sigh in response.

love him. he's so exhausted, fy.)

[ there is a long pause as fyodor tilts his head and takes in dazai; then the sound of footsteps retreating and returning after a moment: ] Here, dear heart, have some water.

[ a glass is pressed onto dazai's hand, just the glass while avoiding contact of skin. ]

You can touch.

(his voice is so low, so hoarse from lack of use. what's the point of feeling this numb inside if he can't even numb the other.

he doesn't want to take the glass.)

I have no desire to do so, [ he withdraws the glass, setting it nearby and leaves again, he's going to find a straw. he moves in and out of the space, places the straw in the glass.] you've been even stranger than usual since the maze.

I'm tired.

(it's not a lie. he doesn't want to lie when he can't, after all.)

[ he folds his long legs and sits nearby, elbow resting on his knee, thinking. he's close enough to touch, yes, but he has made no intention of it. what fyodor said he meant, he doesn't want an accident. ]

You seem like it. Were the trials too much?

I will miss you.

(that's what he means, that's what the trials reminded him. he wants touch. fyodor won't give it. he's turning around.)

Dazai, I am right here. [ he lets the other turn but remains where he is, sitting and watching. dazai needs to drink water, he needs to eat and needs to go outside. ]

But I want you.

(isn't that the problem itself?)

And you have me.

[ because it really is that simple to fyodor. ] Are you afraid you might lose it?

[ me, he means me ]

For now. You'll leave me.

(does he not get it?)

Dazai, I will never leave you. Even death itself could not hold us apart, did you think I slept with you on a whim? It is part of a vow.

[ but of course they have different philosophies on this topic, and he did see that mirror he saw oda. ]

We will return. We won't remember. I-- won't want to go back.

(what he's saying is - he's scared. it's what he wants to say anyway.)

That is not in our hands right now, but rest assured that I do not wish to return right now either.

[ is he admitting he wants dazai more than the book? yes. ]

It's alright. [ to be afraid, he means. ]

Right now, but eventually you are. You're going back to that stupid Book as soon as you can, Chuuya prefers the Port Mafia, and I suppose the biggest declaration that Nikolai does have feelings for me is my head on a stick, so I suppose we are all doing great.

Ah, I see. I see now... [ fyodor scoots a little closer but is still careful with his distance. ] The book isn't about you or me, it is simply a piece of a long-term plan, Dazai.

The book cannot love me back, anymore than I could love it as I love you.

'No Longer Human' can't fail, Fyodor.

(please.)

And you'll go right back to it. I don't want to lose this. It... Hurts.

It's not just lack of faith that keeps me at a distance right now, Dazai. Drink some water, I got you a straw, you only need to lift your head a little if you don't wish to move.

[ he considers dazai's words. what he knows of meursault. what he knows may happen and unfold. ]

Of course it hurts, that's part of loving something deeply, but that is part of, how did you say it once? Humanity. It comes along with the foolishness and the sin.

I'm not thirsty.

(lies. his stomach is just not killing him because he's too hungry for it, too.)

... Yeah. I'm not great at it, neither are you.

I am not, [ he agrees but doesn't follow up. they're not talking about fyodor here ] I guess, I do not know how to show you what I mean.

Lying with promises of forever seems naive but ah, I would make a vow either way. As for the godling, his home may be the Port Mafia but he will never survive a world in which you are not in it.

Here or back home.

A man who believes in such promises such as heaven and hell as passionately as you do - I'd believe it.

... Do you think we're being foolish?

[ fyodor tilts his head ] No, but you're avoiding my second point, Zaia. The godling needs you as much you him- it is simply the natural way of things. Between you and the port mafia, even if he picked them over you it would slowly destroy him. [ there is no jealousy, only a desire for dazai to see this too. ] And as for Gogol, his attachment is a two end leash, you have more of him than you might think. [ it's easy for fyodor to see these things from outside, to feel them; apparently his empathy is not as buried in deep as he thought. that's a problem for his ability.

he lifts a hand to touch and then seems to think better of it. ] In this world, everyone is sinful and foolish, even us, but as you said what's wrong with that?

[ another beat then ] But I cannot be good like you. [ his cheek still hurts, he will pay sigma back for that. ]

(he knows they are. nothing wrong with it- they might be a little different, but they still happen to be people. it will hurt. everything hurts to one degree or another.

he misses gogol. chuuya isn't sleeping in the same bed. fyodor isn't touching him. hardships, hardships. he doesn't like pain, he doesn't like suffering. things are hard as they are. he knows the man is right, and it makes him sigh, almost like he is pushing weakness out of his lungs to no avail.)

You are who you are, Fyodor.

[ he taps his finger along the floor, the pattern clear despite not being offered on skin like before; it's precaution, paranoia, but if one lives as long as fyodor has with crime and punishment, there need to be contingency measures. this is the best he can do right now.

we won't leave you.

comfort, fyodor finds, comes in different ways--from a kiss against a bruised knee, to the rhythmic mantras that spell out one singular thought. he taps it again, and again while they continue their spoken conversation.

being empathetic doesn't mean fyodor is good at expressing it. ] And is that sufficient of an answer when I take another life? [ curious. ]

(he hears the tapping. fyodor can't promise that - not as much as dazai can promise to not want to die, but he supposes - perhaps the intent is worth something, isn't it? it must be.

he hears it.)

You speak as if you meant to do that. That'd be different, wouldn't it? We happen to have an agreement, still.

... I suppose what happened simply was what tends to happen when Crime and Punishment is involved, but I always thought you had a good command of it.

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