(the noises vibrate against his lips, in their kiss, and he knows fyodor won't last long. he doesn't mind if he doesn't get any physical pleasure out of this - he's as satisfied as he could be, hearing his name spill out from the lips he allows to draw breath.
dazai's teeth take the bottom lip, pulling in a gentle nib before he presses a gentle kiss, his fingers speeding just a little bit.)
Don't worry about a thing, Fy. Come for me when you want to.
[ there are always careful considerations that come to mind in moments like this: his ability, for one. the weakness of his body and the fact there are no weapons in range. the fact dazai is too clever to be tricked by fyodor.
he comes because dazai coaxes him to, and it's surprising that his body simply obeys that command. eyes wide and clinging with all limbs onto dazai. his orgasm spills between their bodies, messy and warm, and the sound fyodor makes isn't swallowed. it's like being skewered and loved and held.
what did dazai just do to him? his mind feels placidly blank, quiet. ]
(he feels it in the bandages, in the gaps, and in the way he clenches around his fingers. the sound will be imprinted in his brain, such a delicious gasp that he hopes he gets to hear over, and over, and over again.
they should clean up, but for the time being, all dazai wants so to is to remove his fingers to wrap his arms around fyodor, the kisses he gives his skin calm, like a ground, as he embraces the smaller figure.)
[ he allows himself to be held, warm steady arms around him as his eyes flutter: lashes clumped with unshed tears, fyodor leans into dazai. there are so many unspoken questions about what they just did, declarations that sit heavy in his tongue and on his fingers.
but he doesn't want dazai to be unsatisfied and so his long fingers slip between them trying to offer something back. fyodor can't be the only one who gets off here. ]
(with fyodor, things are so different. dazai's used to sex, he's used to pleasure, and as much as anyone can be used to it, he's used to love. his primary focus between the two is not him, he has already a lot to unpack as fyodor does - the same things, different views.
his focus here is to help fyodor go through the things dazai already understands. there will be a time and place for them to be one, or for fyodor to do the same for dazai. right now, however, all he wants is fyodor's body against him. to look at his face, kiss near the corner of his eye, and his hands to catch the other's.)
[ the slight frown is visible before it disappears under the pleasure of his climax; he's too wrung out to really fight dazai on this or argue. instead he nods, taking those words as truth. fyodor isn't use to things that feel one sided, of being given something without string. sex and pleasure are novel concepts for him, after all, and even as he finds the need to touch dazai to have no purpose beyond wanting to feel him...it's hard.
and feeling that kiss against the corner of his eye, fyodor comes to understand that hearing something and experiencing it can be so vastly different, especially in this area. he nuzzles back. ]
(it's fine if dazai moves to the man's side instead of on top of him. one of his hands keeps the other's hold, bringing it into lips to press against each knuckle. the other, moves hair from fyodor's sweaty face, to look at that tired expression as he comes down. he's so beautiful like this, and the smile dazai gives? genuine, fond, silly.)
If it matters, then, yes. Like everything that matters.
[ he wants to commit that smile to memory. the type of smile that would make him burn down cities, countries, the world--fyodor leans closer. as much as he can despite the boundary between them, the fact he can't crawl into dazai's body and rest within. ]
Mm. [ a hum, then a nod. he doesn't understand but he is trying, he thinks he might be a little closer to making sense of dazai's words. ] Stay another while?
[ fyodor doesn't say 'good' and does not say anything in approval--he does not need to, the way he allows his entire body to be fitted against dazai, the way his breath slows. ]
Mm. Unusually so. [ fyodor admits, his hand on dazai's hip and his fingers are curled warmly into that skin. it feels grounding, not just comfortable. ]
[ a nod, then fyodor is slipping a leg between dazai's: warm and coaxing. he's not used to sleeping with someone else, sleeping naked, sleeping like this. ] Will you be able to sleep?
[ the one blessing of their siberian adventures was the darkness that coated them throughout a few months. ]
[ fyodor looks so human in dazai's arms; the glimmers of a creature that is not demon or conjurer, but sleepy and warm. harmless, if only at first glance, and fyodor opens one eye to look at dazai. ]
I only fear it is boring for you.
[ he's doing his own assessment of dazai, committing every feeling and sensation to memory as he nuzzles into the other. after all, it's not like he would do this in public. ]
(it's a bit of a battle to just let fyodor sleep, to be honest. he wants the man to find rest, he does, but that means he risks waking him if he presses his kisses, squeezes softly, or caresses. it'd never be boring, but the control? ah, the control...
a kiss. another kiss. before he knows it, he's moving the man on top of his naked self, arms protecting as much as caressing.)
Voyeur. [ the smile is a flicker in the shadows of the room; mouths meeting warmly— fyodor feels his body moving against dazai's until he's on top of the other--skin and bandages. there's a little of more fire now, as he presses his fingers against dazai's throat, the gesture is gentle.
and then, the line is set. ] Give me your death. [ the sweetly set suggestion, fyodor doesn't mean kill dazai, he means die with him. ]
If you go with me, sure. I don't wish to die alone, you see.
(quite literally. those fingers are inviting, and he tilts his head back as a promise that they should, they would, his throat exposed to every move. fyodor's so naked, so vulnerable, and he's so tiny, even as tall as he is. dazai is having trouble not pressing his body against his.)
Did I say anything to suggest you would die alone? [ fyodor grins, fingers tighten but he doesn't have the strength to do much damage, nor does he intend to because he is far more interested in pressing their bodies close and leaning in to kiss him. it feels good.
he relaxes his fingers in favor of weaving them in dazai's hair. fyodor does stop, long enough to speak exactly what he means: ]
I mean it. You can have sex with anyone as many times but dying, one can only die once. It's a special thing.
(there's warmth in his heart. it's not that difficult to understand - he's suicidal, but he's also a coward. it's not so much that dazai wants to die, it's simply that life is dreary, boring, uninteresting, painful. to go with someone else holding his hand is simply ideal, and he can't not dive into that kiss with that sentiment bleeding through his lips.
his hands move to stop at fyodor's waist, pressing, back to having his lips kiss the other man's neck. he said he wanted to let the other sleep, but his heart is so full.)
[ fyodor's desire for death is different. he has accepted it as a consequences for his actions and choices, he neither wants to die nor to live. deep down he considers himself a tool for something else. if he dies though, it will be due to nikolai's machinations. at least it won't be boring and if he can take dazai with, isn't that almost a perfect death?
also, fyodor is now making some content muffled sounds as he shifts his body over dazai's. ] You would like to finish what we started earlier?
Honestly? I just want to make you climax again, I don't care how.
(because that's how he can show what he feels. that's how he knows - to show is easier than to say, and to watch how fyodor enjoys himself, when he knows better than anyone that fyodor is dilligent, unattached to himself.
it's the biggest thing fyodor could ever give dazai. himself.)
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dazai's teeth take the bottom lip, pulling in a gentle nib before he presses a gentle kiss, his fingers speeding just a little bit.)
Don't worry about a thing, Fy. Come for me when you want to.
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he comes because dazai coaxes him to, and it's surprising that his body simply obeys that command. eyes wide and clinging with all limbs onto dazai. his orgasm spills between their bodies, messy and warm, and the sound fyodor makes isn't swallowed. it's like being skewered and loved and held.
what did dazai just do to him? his mind feels placidly blank, quiet. ]
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they should clean up, but for the time being, all dazai wants so to is to remove his fingers to wrap his arms around fyodor, the kisses he gives his skin calm, like a ground, as he embraces the smaller figure.)
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but he doesn't want dazai to be unsatisfied and so his long fingers slip between them trying to offer something back. fyodor can't be the only one who gets off here. ]
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his focus here is to help fyodor go through the things dazai already understands. there will be a time and place for them to be one, or for fyodor to do the same for dazai. right now, however, all he wants is fyodor's body against him. to look at his face, kiss near the corner of his eye, and his hands to catch the other's.)
Don't worry. I'm satisfied, I got to see you.
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and feeling that kiss against the corner of his eye, fyodor comes to understand that hearing something and experiencing it can be so vastly different, especially in this area. he nuzzles back. ]
Is it really this complicated and simple at once?
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If it matters, then, yes. Like everything that matters.
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Mm. [ a hum, then a nod. he doesn't understand but he is trying, he thinks he might be a little closer to making sense of dazai's words. ] Stay another while?
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his spare hand ghosts touches with the tip of his fingers agaisnt the narrow waist.)
I was going to sleep here already!
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Sleepy?
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(he'd keep making fy feel as such, but alas, he'd kill him, it seems.)
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[ the one blessing of their siberian adventures was the darkness that coated them throughout a few months. ]
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(he wishes they'd been like this back then. it'd make it better, warmer, easier and harder at the same time.)
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You just want to watch me sleep. [ he accuses, warm. ]
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(holy shit, what a sight. he can't keep his lips from kissing, from pressing.)
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I only fear it is boring for you.
[ he's doing his own assessment of dazai, committing every feeling and sensation to memory as he nuzzles into the other. after all, it's not like he would do this in public. ]
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a kiss. another kiss. before he knows it, he's moving the man on top of his naked self, arms protecting as much as caressing.)
It'd never be so.
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and then, the line is set. ] Give me your death. [ the sweetly set suggestion, fyodor doesn't mean kill dazai, he means die with him. ]
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(quite literally. those fingers are inviting, and he tilts his head back as a promise that they should, they would, his throat exposed to every move. fyodor's so naked, so vulnerable, and he's so tiny, even as tall as he is. dazai is having trouble not pressing his body against his.)
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he relaxes his fingers in favor of weaving them in dazai's hair. fyodor does stop, long enough to speak exactly what he means: ]
I mean it. You can have sex with anyone as many times but dying, one can only die once. It's a special thing.
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his hands move to stop at fyodor's waist, pressing, back to having his lips kiss the other man's neck. he said he wanted to let the other sleep, but his heart is so full.)
tw; suicide ideation, sexual themes
also, fyodor is now making some content muffled sounds as he shifts his body over dazai's. ] You would like to finish what we started earlier?
Re: tw; suicide ideation, sexual themes
(because that's how he can show what he feels. that's how he knows - to show is easier than to say, and to watch how fyodor enjoys himself, when he knows better than anyone that fyodor is dilligent, unattached to himself.
it's the biggest thing fyodor could ever give dazai. himself.)
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