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[nullificates]

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dazai

osamu

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[nullificates]

What is satisfying to me is watching you find what's satisfying to you. This is why we haven't done anything, before, or now. I want you to have space to learn how to navigate you.

(and isn't that the most romantic thing he could offer? understanding? support?)

[fatalism]

[ those words stop fyodor on his tracks; this is different, he's never had understanding extended towards him before, not like this. even with gogol it's different. ] I only...really have one point of reference for things of this type. Aside from you.

[nullificates]

It hardly matters. Every person is different, every relationship is different, every touch is different. That's why, Mikhail. You can take your time to understand what this is, what do you want from it, how do you want me. I don't mind, watching you learn is very endearing.

[fatalism]

Is that why you seek others? [ he asks earnestly, trying to understand. ] I like to be held entirely. I like to belong because I wish it. [ and he spreads his knees further out, poor mattress dipping under the weight until their bodies are flush together. ]

[nullificates]

(he doesn't sense any attempt to mislead or to twist. a return of dazai's own kindness, he supposes.)

Sex is fun, you see? It's a good way to keep someone who's mind never quiets distracted - much like your music. In this case, I'm not here for this. There are things only you can give me, feelings only you can make me feel, and such is for someone else. I'll give you all I have in a way only you can have.

(he isn't sure if fyodor can understand it in it's entirety - but he didn't omit, or lie. they should be like this if they want this to work.

the poor mattress bounces as dazai shifts their positions, on top now so his eyes can watch the fair skin in a sea of black strands.)

[fatalism]

I understand. [ because logistically what dazai is saying does make sense, a leads to b leads to c. feelings, however, are much more opaque and difficult to understand. ] I do not know if it is the same for me but I do not intend to ask you for monogamy as that is not your nature. I told you before, I would not try to change you.

[ fyodor's hand now trace along dazai's sides, along until they settle on the curve of his bones and pull him close. ] The only way I know how to do is is to give myself up entirely, always.

[nullificates]

(it puts him at ease. if fyodor had intended to change him, dazai would wonder if it is truly dazai that he wants. he changes, and he doesn't, but it is only for himself, after all.

his eyes close as he too closes the distance, finding himself perhaps a little too close as he caresses the man's waist in code - 'what do you want me to do, mikhal?')

[fatalism]

[ fyodor thinks it very easy: if dazai wishes for one lover and one only he would opt for that, and if he does not he will have several. it is not a change fyodor enacts or has power over. and it would be hypocritical because he himself is not exactly a paragon of monogamy right this moment.

a startled gasp at the closeness fills the room.]

Osamu. [ he tests the name out loud for the first time. ] I do not know.

[nullificates]

(no one ever calls him that, even as it is his name. perhaps 'dazai' is much more distant, a mask? something he isn't all too sure himself. it feels easy to come even closer to press a kiss to the other's cheek, almost the jaw.

the smile he gives is genuine. he wants fyodor, but what should that matter if he's taking his time? he can have it another time.)

I'll get off of you and we can go back to just talking. Would that be comfortable?

[fatalism]

No. [ fyodor's grip on dazai tightens. this closeness without fear is something he is enjoying. ] You don't need to move for us to continue talking. [ there is more fyodor wants to say, to understand but.

he opts instead to press his mouth against dazai's neck, to slip his hands beneath dazai's shirt.]

[nullificates]

(he was about to leave when those fingers keep him in place.

there's nothing about this that will keep him talking, not with speech or words, but with actions and touch. the mouth grants fyodor a gasp, and if his body wasn't wrapped in banandages, he'd be able to feel the hairs stand against his fingers.

a retaliation is to slowly take fyodor's leg to feel, grip slightly and move it to wrap around him if he'd like.)

You're too distracting for me to talk to like this.

[fatalism]

I am not doing anything particularly distracting. [ technically, his leg? just innocently around dazai's waist now. however that second leg that is now pinning dazai closer to him? maybe less innocent.

this is difficult. not so much physically as emotionally; it isn't that dazai doesn't feel for him, fyodor understands that it's just--what are they supposed to do? does he pray for guidance? does he buy dazai a ring? what is the course of expected action? ]

[nullificates]

Are you sure? I'm sensitive, you know.

(hands switch legs, the one that pins gets a grip as strong to the thigh as its own hold around dazai. with this closeness, it's not particularly difficult to see the effects of this position on his body, hardness pressing against the other as he finds no gaps between them.

if fyodor were to ask, the answer is simple - he too, doesn't know. do what you want, screw expected, screw supposed.

his lips travel, taking in the skin of the other's neck, adam's apple, collarbone. downwards he's going.)

[fatalism]

No.

[ soft but firm, he thrusts and the firmness between them is just the right amount of pleasurable pressure. ] You're not going anywhere. [ downward? no sir, not when he's close like this and then fyodor can kiss dazai to his heart's content. it is a luxury he has never allowed before, just the deep kisses of exploration. ]

[nullificates]

(if he's not going anywhere, he isn't exactly sure where this is going to go. he had plans of turning such a dangerous terrorist into a melted puddle with his mouth, but all in due time. he'll do this in any pace fyodor prefers, in any way, and that thrust works for him to feel that fyodor feels just the same.

he can't go lower than this, so his lips attach to the man's ear, pulling the flesh between teeth.)

Can I touch you, though?

[fatalism]

If you don't, I'll stab you. [ he replies without missing a beat despite the soft sound that then follows after those teeth nip at his skin.

his hands move beneath the shirt, untucking it and just— ] Osamu. [ the name is warm on his tongue, his eyes fluttering closed. ]

cw they gon fuck

[nullificates]

(the laugh that exits him at that promise. endearing, a little reminder that they're both dangerous - he feels like there's no exaggeration in it. the soft noise makes him bite down with more desire, as if dazai wants nothing more than to hear it again, along with his own name that only fyodor calls.

unfortunately, to rid fyodor of his clothes, he needs to distance. it's short, and if fyodor'd like, he could also take the opportunity to remove dazai's. he doesn't have to warn about the bandages - he knows the other wouldn't, with how in all these years, he has never let him peek.)

cw yes they are

[fatalism]

[ that bit causes a moan, louder and thankfully they are in their small private space and no one else can hear fyodor making those sounds: vulnerable and wanting as they break apart in order to get rid of clothing.

fyodor knows and that is why he does not make an attempt to even tug on the bandages, he skims his fingers past, touching the parts of visible skin and urging dazai to lie on his back. he's discovered something that works well for him to start with.

not really about dominating his partner but offering something. fyodor is not generally a very active individual and so-- ] Osamu.

[nullificates]

(dazai's dominating, which shows in the way he grips fyodor's hips to move with his, albeit every move he offers the other has a larger layer of concern, of care, like fyodor is something too precious for him to hold in his hands - even if the moan is trying to a man like him.

being on his back means he'll pull fyodor to be on top of him. that position does allow a wonderful view of how the other looks, skinny, pale, but he sees the curves, and his fingers can't help tracing the man's waist.)

Yes?

[fatalism]

[ he touches dazai's face gently; then he reaches downward, closes the gap and kisses him warmly. it's not the breathless devouring feeling of the alley. it's gentle.

fyodor can't say the words. can't request even though he wants to.

he taps: 'Make me yours. Keep me. Don't leave me.']

[nullificates]

(if he had touched fyodor as if he were the most precious thing, now it is that he truly is. two people like them shouldn't be like this, considering who they are at their core, but this is so pure that dazai can't help but put it in his memory as it is. pay attention to how each tap feels, to how each breath sounds, how the man's lips taste.

the kiss is gentle, and that is exactly what makes it breathless.

he won't tap back. instead, he'll hug the smaller figure with warmth, kiss his cheek in promise, and let his hands wander into fyodor's pants. the touch is light, like he's testing waters, seeing what makes fyodor tick.)

I'll keep you forever, Mikhail.

[fatalism]

[ it is vulnerable. the gentleness with which those taps delivered the request and how those words are returned; fyodor makes a sound of acknowledgment, red creeps across his pale flesh and he moves closer instinctively. ]

If you ever leave me, I'll kill you.

[nullificates]

What a tempting promise to a suicidal man.

(oh. this is such a pretty color on fyodor, the rush of blood melting and blending with nearly white skin. he could watch it forever, and it's in that motivation that he removes fyodor's cock from its confines, a rhythm forming with how fyodor reacts best.)

[fatalism]

I'll make it a slow and agonizing death. [ his voice falters when dazai puts his hand on his cock, and he jerks his hips to a certain pace. dazai is domineering and fyodor is more passive in this particular situation--a personal preference for someone who holds such rigid control over himself, his emotions, his ability. it's nice to give it over to someone else, to give himself over to dazai. ]

Dazai, if you do it too fast, I won't- I won't last.

[nullificates]

(his hands can't quit feeling around skin, his lips return to it, kisses slow, kind, speechless words that he's here. he won't be hurt. each touch is a reminder of 'no longer human' rummaging through fyodor's body, safety, protection.

his hand is simply reacting to how the hips move, and those words make him want to speed, to see fyodor's face as he reaches it, but he promised himself he'd do it as fyodor wants it. slower, slower, slower.)

It's okay if you want to let go. I want to see it.