I remember...meeting Gogol here for the first time. [ with the complications and catastrophe that entailed. he closes his eyes, arches a little against dazai's touch and returns it.
so gentle. he taps along, meaningless words of praise like: pretty, mine, dazai, soft, closer, closer, closer. ]
(let him listen, let fyodor reground. he can keep two conversations, too, one that is soft, only for them, and one that the world can hear. he taps back - 'hold me, make me home.')
Explosive. Violent. Very Kolya. [ he wriggles against dazai again, unsettled and then resettling again. like he's having trouble with coming to terms that this is something he can do. he's allowed to have this and it won't fade under crime and punishment.
it makes him feel dazai is holy, it makes him feel like prayer. it makes him feel--
Ah, Nikol was mean to you? Did he expect you to be dead?
(dazai knows why he's so uneasy. if he had an ability as hindering of touch as 'crime and punishment', he too would find it hard to stay put, to find comfort where generally, there is none. he can't blame him, it's a learning curve to find safety in 'no longer human', after all.
in him.
'worship me away', he says, unsure what to expect, however curious.)
Oh no, he wishes that until he gets it and then he will regret it. [ fyodor laughs, low and soft, without humor. he finally, however, seems to find a place in which he feels like he can stop squirming long enough to just relax.
for a few minutes. it itches under his skin, crime and punishment even though no longer human promises it will not reach out. it will not do any harm.
he takes dazai's hands in between his own, brings them to his mouth to press a kiss against his fingers. presses them against his forehead as if in prayer, in confession. ] Forgive me for I will taint you.
(he can't say something here, because in the midst of his own crisis, he too has searched gogol to speak about it. it's caging to be helplessly in love with one person, awfully so to be as such with another, and tremble in fear of losing it. it's not something that he'll get over anytime soon, much as fyodor will too struggle finding himself in comfort, in love, at home.
he too thinks regret will come for nikolai.
the kiss makes him smile, curious to what comes next. their intellect and similarities stop right here - dazai is not a religious man. he'll allow fyodor to confess, to find his own path through it, before the smile becomes bigger.)
[ prayer is a whole different beast for fyodor than the intellectual, sharp man that plays against dazai on the chessboard that is the world. the weight is shifted, physically and metaphorically as he moves to kneel with dazai between his legs and his hands still trapped between his own.
fyodor closes his eyes. ]
Forgive me Father for I have seen your face. I saw it in someone who is as much me as I am him, and yet we are nothing alike. I see your face in him; the way his mind turns and wraps around mine. The places he has shone light in. He is perfection and temptation, and his presence is too much to bear at times.
Did you send him to punish me for my arrogance? Or to show me it is possible for humans to be redeemable? Forgive me, for I would give him all of me if he asked; I would deviate from my faith if asked. But he is gracious and will not ask this of me, just as I will not ask him to believe in You.
Forgive me, for I will taint him because I am Crime and Punishment both.
[ fyodor falls silent, head still bowed and eyelashes fluttering against dazai's skin. ]
(this is nothing like dazai has ever experienced. in his life, there had been no space for god. nothing holy in the alleyways of the port mafia, where his hands performed impious acts, where his title had been the further away from anything divine - 'demon prodigy', and isn't that the irony for him to be here receiving prayer from someone whose hands drip blood as much as his own do? god is not harmonious. accidentals and irrationality, such as dazai sins of, same as the one fyodor calls upon with his hands gripping dazai's.
he sees it for what he believes it is - a confession. he had never thought of himself of something so good, someone who brings light even when he sees the shadow he casts as greater than himself. redemption is a path of several relapses, and yet, he stands, and he walks towards the light that might burn his skin and leave him empty.
at the end of the prayer, dazai's lips press against the other's forehead. a quiet offer of both forgiveness and a request for some. he too will taint fyodor, his own way.)
[ prayer is a quiet thing for fyodor, a moment of respite. he looks up at dazai from between dark lashes, shakes his head. ] I cannot grant you forgiveness because you have not wronged me.
[ a kiss is pressed against dazai's knuckles before he releases his hands. ] And I do not know how to navigate ... this in a way that is satisfying to you.
What is satisfying to me is watching you find what's satisfying to you. This is why we haven't done anything, before, or now. I want you to have space to learn how to navigate you.
(and isn't that the most romantic thing he could offer? understanding? support?)
[ those words stop fyodor on his tracks; this is different, he's never had understanding extended towards him before, not like this. even with gogol it's different. ] I only...really have one point of reference for things of this type. Aside from you.
It hardly matters. Every person is different, every relationship is different, every touch is different. That's why, Mikhail. You can take your time to understand what this is, what do you want from it, how do you want me. I don't mind, watching you learn is very endearing.
Is that why you seek others? [ he asks earnestly, trying to understand. ] I like to be held entirely. I like to belong because I wish it. [ and he spreads his knees further out, poor mattress dipping under the weight until their bodies are flush together. ]
(he doesn't sense any attempt to mislead or to twist. a return of dazai's own kindness, he supposes.)
Sex is fun, you see? It's a good way to keep someone who's mind never quiets distracted - much like your music. In this case, I'm not here for this. There are things only you can give me, feelings only you can make me feel, and such is for someone else. I'll give you all I have in a way only you can have.
(he isn't sure if fyodor can understand it in it's entirety - but he didn't omit, or lie. they should be like this if they want this to work.
the poor mattress bounces as dazai shifts their positions, on top now so his eyes can watch the fair skin in a sea of black strands.)
I understand. [ because logistically what dazai is saying does make sense, a leads to b leads to c. feelings, however, are much more opaque and difficult to understand. ] I do not know if it is the same for me but I do not intend to ask you for monogamy as that is not your nature. I told you before, I would not try to change you.
[ fyodor's hand now trace along dazai's sides, along until they settle on the curve of his bones and pull him close. ] The only way I know how to do is is to give myself up entirely, always.
(it puts him at ease. if fyodor had intended to change him, dazai would wonder if it is truly dazai that he wants. he changes, and he doesn't, but it is only for himself, after all.
his eyes close as he too closes the distance, finding himself perhaps a little too close as he caresses the man's waist in code - 'what do you want me to do, mikhal?')
[ fyodor thinks it very easy: if dazai wishes for one lover and one only he would opt for that, and if he does not he will have several. it is not a change fyodor enacts or has power over. and it would be hypocritical because he himself is not exactly a paragon of monogamy right this moment.
a startled gasp at the closeness fills the room.]
Osamu. [ he tests the name out loud for the first time. ] I do not know.
(no one ever calls him that, even as it is his name. perhaps 'dazai' is much more distant, a mask? something he isn't all too sure himself. it feels easy to come even closer to press a kiss to the other's cheek, almost the jaw.
the smile he gives is genuine. he wants fyodor, but what should that matter if he's taking his time? he can have it another time.)
I'll get off of you and we can go back to just talking. Would that be comfortable?
No. [ fyodor's grip on dazai tightens. this closeness without fear is something he is enjoying. ] You don't need to move for us to continue talking. [ there is more fyodor wants to say, to understand but.
he opts instead to press his mouth against dazai's neck, to slip his hands beneath dazai's shirt.]
(he was about to leave when those fingers keep him in place.
there's nothing about this that will keep him talking, not with speech or words, but with actions and touch. the mouth grants fyodor a gasp, and if his body wasn't wrapped in banandages, he'd be able to feel the hairs stand against his fingers.
a retaliation is to slowly take fyodor's leg to feel, grip slightly and move it to wrap around him if he'd like.)
You're too distracting for me to talk to like this.
I am not doing anything particularly distracting. [ technically, his leg? just innocently around dazai's waist now. however that second leg that is now pinning dazai closer to him? maybe less innocent.
this is difficult. not so much physically as emotionally; it isn't that dazai doesn't feel for him, fyodor understands that it's just--what are they supposed to do? does he pray for guidance? does he buy dazai a ring? what is the course of expected action? ]
(hands switch legs, the one that pins gets a grip as strong to the thigh as its own hold around dazai. with this closeness, it's not particularly difficult to see the effects of this position on his body, hardness pressing against the other as he finds no gaps between them.
if fyodor were to ask, the answer is simple - he too, doesn't know. do what you want, screw expected, screw supposed.
his lips travel, taking in the skin of the other's neck, adam's apple, collarbone. downwards he's going.)
[ soft but firm, he thrusts and the firmness between them is just the right amount of pleasurable pressure. ] You're not going anywhere. [ downward? no sir, not when he's close like this and then fyodor can kiss dazai to his heart's content. it is a luxury he has never allowed before, just the deep kisses of exploration. ]
(if he's not going anywhere, he isn't exactly sure where this is going to go. he had plans of turning such a dangerous terrorist into a melted puddle with his mouth, but all in due time. he'll do this in any pace fyodor prefers, in any way, and that thrust works for him to feel that fyodor feels just the same.
he can't go lower than this, so his lips attach to the man's ear, pulling the flesh between teeth.)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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so gentle. he taps along, meaningless words of praise like: pretty, mine, dazai, soft, closer, closer, closer. ]
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(let him listen, let fyodor reground. he can keep two conversations, too, one that is soft, only for them, and one that the world can hear. he taps back - 'hold me, make me home.')
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it makes him feel dazai is holy, it makes him feel like prayer. it makes him feel--
he taps: let me worship you, make you my home.]
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(dazai knows why he's so uneasy. if he had an ability as hindering of touch as 'crime and punishment', he too would find it hard to stay put, to find comfort where generally, there is none. he can't blame him, it's a learning curve to find safety in 'no longer human', after all.
in him.
'worship me away', he says, unsure what to expect, however curious.)
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for a few minutes. it itches under his skin, crime and punishment even though no longer human promises it will not reach out. it will not do any harm.
he takes dazai's hands in between his own, brings them to his mouth to press a kiss against his fingers. presses them against his forehead as if in prayer, in confession. ] Forgive me for I will taint you.
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he too thinks regret will come for nikolai.
the kiss makes him smile, curious to what comes next. their intellect and similarities stop right here - dazai is not a religious man. he'll allow fyodor to confess, to find his own path through it, before the smile becomes bigger.)
You will taint a harlot? Or will you be tainted?
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fyodor closes his eyes. ]
Forgive me Father for I have seen your face. I saw it in someone who is as much me as I am him, and yet we are nothing alike. I see your face in him; the way his mind turns and wraps around mine. The places he has shone light in. He is perfection and temptation, and his presence is too much to bear at times.
Did you send him to punish me for my arrogance? Or to show me it is possible for humans to be redeemable? Forgive me, for I would give him all of me if he asked; I would deviate from my faith if asked. But he is gracious and will not ask this of me, just as I will not ask him to believe in You.
Forgive me, for I will taint him because I am Crime and Punishment both.
[ fyodor falls silent, head still bowed and eyelashes fluttering against dazai's skin. ]
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he sees it for what he believes it is - a confession. he had never thought of himself of something so good, someone who brings light even when he sees the shadow he casts as greater than himself. redemption is a path of several relapses, and yet, he stands, and he walks towards the light that might burn his skin and leave him empty.
at the end of the prayer, dazai's lips press against the other's forehead. a quiet offer of both forgiveness and a request for some. he too will taint fyodor, his own way.)
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[ a kiss is pressed against dazai's knuckles before he releases his hands. ] And I do not know how to navigate ... this in a way that is satisfying to you.
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(and isn't that the most romantic thing he could offer? understanding? support?)
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Sex is fun, you see? It's a good way to keep someone who's mind never quiets distracted - much like your music. In this case, I'm not here for this. There are things only you can give me, feelings only you can make me feel, and such is for someone else. I'll give you all I have in a way only you can have.
(he isn't sure if fyodor can understand it in it's entirety - but he didn't omit, or lie. they should be like this if they want this to work.
the poor mattress bounces as dazai shifts their positions, on top now so his eyes can watch the fair skin in a sea of black strands.)
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[ fyodor's hand now trace along dazai's sides, along until they settle on the curve of his bones and pull him close. ] The only way I know how to do is is to give myself up entirely, always.
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his eyes close as he too closes the distance, finding himself perhaps a little too close as he caresses the man's waist in code - 'what do you want me to do, mikhal?')
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a startled gasp at the closeness fills the room.]
Osamu. [ he tests the name out loud for the first time. ] I do not know.
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the smile he gives is genuine. he wants fyodor, but what should that matter if he's taking his time? he can have it another time.)
I'll get off of you and we can go back to just talking. Would that be comfortable?
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he opts instead to press his mouth against dazai's neck, to slip his hands beneath dazai's shirt.]
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there's nothing about this that will keep him talking, not with speech or words, but with actions and touch. the mouth grants fyodor a gasp, and if his body wasn't wrapped in banandages, he'd be able to feel the hairs stand against his fingers.
a retaliation is to slowly take fyodor's leg to feel, grip slightly and move it to wrap around him if he'd like.)
You're too distracting for me to talk to like this.
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this is difficult. not so much physically as emotionally; it isn't that dazai doesn't feel for him, fyodor understands that it's just--what are they supposed to do? does he pray for guidance? does he buy dazai a ring? what is the course of expected action? ]
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(hands switch legs, the one that pins gets a grip as strong to the thigh as its own hold around dazai. with this closeness, it's not particularly difficult to see the effects of this position on his body, hardness pressing against the other as he finds no gaps between them.
if fyodor were to ask, the answer is simple - he too, doesn't know. do what you want, screw expected, screw supposed.
his lips travel, taking in the skin of the other's neck, adam's apple, collarbone. downwards he's going.)
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[ soft but firm, he thrusts and the firmness between them is just the right amount of pleasurable pressure. ] You're not going anywhere. [ downward? no sir, not when he's close like this and then fyodor can kiss dazai to his heart's content. it is a luxury he has never allowed before, just the deep kisses of exploration. ]
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he can't go lower than this, so his lips attach to the man's ear, pulling the flesh between teeth.)
Can I touch you, though?
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his hands move beneath the shirt, untucking it and just— ] Osamu. [ the name is warm on his tongue, his eyes fluttering closed. ]
cw they gon fuck
cw yes they are
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tw; suicide ideation, sexual themes
Re: tw; suicide ideation, sexual themes
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