nullificates

You would have deflowered me in that alley if your legs had not been injured. [ fyodor does appreciate the slow approach, however. it isn't dazai he's entirely wary of, maybe it is himself, intimacy in general? he's not devoted enough thought to it and the meaning.

regardless, there is no protest made, no resistance as they lay in the tiny cot with their long, thin limbs entwined and fyodor's head resting on dazai's chest. it hides his expression neatly if he tucks his head in and that's... that is good. ] I have taken to recording things on paper, on the laptop but that still...[ there is a note of clear uncertainty. ] I do not believe my memories of before are entirely lost to me.

Does that mean it's mine when time comes?

(not that he minds if it isn't. it adds a hidden layer of perhaps a bit of pressure, a desire to make it unforgettable, remarkable - important, but it'd be the same if it wasn't.

his arm wraps around fyodor, 'no longer human' an extra layer of protection as he presses a kiss to the top of his head, allows him to hide as his thumb caresses the shoulder.)

How so? I can't share that experience, mine are all here.

It is not. [ fyodor pauses, then adds: ] I am sorry. Had I know you coveted it so badly I would have restrained myself. [ he is only half-teasing but for someone unused to not worrying about his ability taking out someone on close contact he simply relaxes under the touch.

fyodor tucks his hand against dazai, closes his eyes. ] It feels like fog in my head.

Like when I cut Ivan's brain in parts and removed certain bits to grant his wish.

Oh, no, my world is in shambles.

(no actual sadness in his voice, however, and instead, fyodor gets squeezed against him just a little bit so another kiss can land on his temple. how lucky he must be, to have fyodor find comfort against him like this - to find some peace in his embrace.)

I assure you your brain is all there. Perhaps we can find a way to restore them? I don't think it'd be impossible with how things from our world simply appear.

As much as mine is because someone else deflowered you. [ there is a visible shudder at those gentle touches, he wriggles a little, finding his body pressed against dazai's. trying to fill any spaces between them, it's not so much sexual as merely seeking points of contact.

fyodor meant it, dazai is his and he is dazai's and any degrees of separation are unwelcome. ]

Perhaps. Though it may not be entirely in your benefit if I do.

Stop wiggling, come here.

(it's so easy to physically move fyodor around, he manages to be even lighter than dazai's own low weight, so, he flips them, in a way that fyodor can fit on top of him and hide as much as he'd like, find his own home against dazai's own ribs.)

Do you want me to tell you exactly what had happened? I do not fear it.

No. I wouldn't believe you if you told me. [ fyodor's trust only stretch so far, he needs to see an experience with his own eyes. a content sigh, slow moving of his fingers against dazai's ribs.

he's never really cuddled before.] I am merely telling you that it...feels there. But not, there are things...a thing I'm remembering and it did not happen recently.

(back in the alley, his hands felt flesh, looked to grip, but right now, they search for different things. dazai's fingertips now seek to memorize each curve, see where they move around fyodor's back and side that can cause a tickle, feel exactly how the weight against him feels. it's nice, and his lips will once again kiss whatever he can reach.)

What is it that your brain has decided to pick?

I remember...meeting Gogol here for the first time. [ with the complications and catastrophe that entailed. he closes his eyes, arches a little against dazai's touch and returns it.

so gentle. he taps along, meaningless words of praise like: pretty, mine, dazai, soft, closer, closer, closer. ]

You've never told me how that went. How was that?

(let him listen, let fyodor reground. he can keep two conversations, too, one that is soft, only for them, and one that the world can hear. he taps back - 'hold me, make me home.')

Explosive. Violent. Very Kolya. [ he wriggles against dazai again, unsettled and then resettling again. like he's having trouble with coming to terms that this is something he can do. he's allowed to have this and it won't fade under crime and punishment.

it makes him feel dazai is holy, it makes him feel like prayer. it makes him feel--

he taps: let me worship you, make you my home.]

Ah, Nikol was mean to you? Did he expect you to be dead?

(dazai knows why he's so uneasy. if he had an ability as hindering of touch as 'crime and punishment', he too would find it hard to stay put, to find comfort where generally, there is none. he can't blame him, it's a learning curve to find safety in 'no longer human', after all.

in him.

'worship me away', he says, unsure what to expect, however curious.)

Oh no, he wishes that until he gets it and then he will regret it. [ fyodor laughs, low and soft, without humor. he finally, however, seems to find a place in which he feels like he can stop squirming long enough to just relax.

for a few minutes. it itches under his skin, crime and punishment even though no longer human promises it will not reach out. it will not do any harm.

he takes dazai's hands in between his own, brings them to his mouth to press a kiss against his fingers. presses them against his forehead as if in prayer, in confession. ] Forgive me for I will taint you.

(he can't say something here, because in the midst of his own crisis, he too has searched gogol to speak about it. it's caging to be helplessly in love with one person, awfully so to be as such with another, and tremble in fear of losing it. it's not something that he'll get over anytime soon, much as fyodor will too struggle finding himself in comfort, in love, at home.

he too thinks regret will come for nikolai.

the kiss makes him smile, curious to what comes next. their intellect and similarities stop right here - dazai is not a religious man. he'll allow fyodor to confess, to find his own path through it, before the smile becomes bigger.)

You will taint a harlot? Or will you be tainted?

[ prayer is a whole different beast for fyodor than the intellectual, sharp man that plays against dazai on the chessboard that is the world. the weight is shifted, physically and metaphorically as he moves to kneel with dazai between his legs and his hands still trapped between his own.

fyodor closes his eyes. ]

Forgive me Father for I have seen your face. I saw it in someone who is as much me as I am him, and yet we are nothing alike. I see your face in him; the way his mind turns and wraps around mine. The places he has shone light in. He is perfection and temptation, and his presence is too much to bear at times.

Did you send him to punish me for my arrogance? Or to show me it is possible for humans to be redeemable? Forgive me, for I would give him all of me if he asked; I would deviate from my faith if asked. But he is gracious and will not ask this of me, just as I will not ask him to believe in You.

Forgive me, for I will taint him because I am Crime and Punishment both.

[ fyodor falls silent, head still bowed and eyelashes fluttering against dazai's skin. ]

(this is nothing like dazai has ever experienced. in his life, there had been no space for god. nothing holy in the alleyways of the port mafia, where his hands performed impious acts, where his title had been the further away from anything divine - 'demon prodigy', and isn't that the irony for him to be here receiving prayer from someone whose hands drip blood as much as his own do? god is not harmonious. accidentals and irrationality, such as dazai sins of, same as the one fyodor calls upon with his hands gripping dazai's.

he sees it for what he believes it is - a confession. he had never thought of himself of something so good, someone who brings light even when he sees the shadow he casts as greater than himself. redemption is a path of several relapses, and yet, he stands, and he walks towards the light that might burn his skin and leave him empty.

at the end of the prayer, dazai's lips press against the other's forehead. a quiet offer of both forgiveness and a request for some. he too will taint fyodor, his own way.)

[ prayer is a quiet thing for fyodor, a moment of respite. he looks up at dazai from between dark lashes, shakes his head. ] I cannot grant you forgiveness because you have not wronged me.

[ a kiss is pressed against dazai's knuckles before he releases his hands. ] And I do not know how to navigate ... this in a way that is satisfying to you.

What is satisfying to me is watching you find what's satisfying to you. This is why we haven't done anything, before, or now. I want you to have space to learn how to navigate you.

(and isn't that the most romantic thing he could offer? understanding? support?)

[ those words stop fyodor on his tracks; this is different, he's never had understanding extended towards him before, not like this. even with gogol it's different. ] I only...really have one point of reference for things of this type. Aside from you.

It hardly matters. Every person is different, every relationship is different, every touch is different. That's why, Mikhail. You can take your time to understand what this is, what do you want from it, how do you want me. I don't mind, watching you learn is very endearing.

Is that why you seek others? [ he asks earnestly, trying to understand. ] I like to be held entirely. I like to belong because I wish it. [ and he spreads his knees further out, poor mattress dipping under the weight until their bodies are flush together. ]

(he doesn't sense any attempt to mislead or to twist. a return of dazai's own kindness, he supposes.)

Sex is fun, you see? It's a good way to keep someone who's mind never quiets distracted - much like your music. In this case, I'm not here for this. There are things only you can give me, feelings only you can make me feel, and such is for someone else. I'll give you all I have in a way only you can have.

(he isn't sure if fyodor can understand it in it's entirety - but he didn't omit, or lie. they should be like this if they want this to work.

the poor mattress bounces as dazai shifts their positions, on top now so his eyes can watch the fair skin in a sea of black strands.)

I understand. [ because logistically what dazai is saying does make sense, a leads to b leads to c. feelings, however, are much more opaque and difficult to understand. ] I do not know if it is the same for me but I do not intend to ask you for monogamy as that is not your nature. I told you before, I would not try to change you.

[ fyodor's hand now trace along dazai's sides, along until they settle on the curve of his bones and pull him close. ] The only way I know how to do is is to give myself up entirely, always.

(it puts him at ease. if fyodor had intended to change him, dazai would wonder if it is truly dazai that he wants. he changes, and he doesn't, but it is only for himself, after all.

his eyes close as he too closes the distance, finding himself perhaps a little too close as he caresses the man's waist in code - 'what do you want me to do, mikhal?')

[ fyodor thinks it very easy: if dazai wishes for one lover and one only he would opt for that, and if he does not he will have several. it is not a change fyodor enacts or has power over. and it would be hypocritical because he himself is not exactly a paragon of monogamy right this moment.

a startled gasp at the closeness fills the room.]

Osamu. [ he tests the name out loud for the first time. ] I do not know.

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tw; medical malpractice, violence

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