[ fyodor suspects but he is not yet taken steps to go despite suspecting their location; by that same measure even if he burns this place down, dazai will be waiting him at that second place whose location he has not shared with anyone.
he says nothing when dazai lays on the bed. ] I suspected, you know I cannot predict you with perfect certainty. [ a pause, a tilt of the head. ] I thought of being concerned but I know you.
My vacation was not any more interesting than your little escapade. But, are you feeling more like yourself now?
Ah, ah. [ fyodor lifts one finger and wags it in admonishment. ] I saw you run once and never again, and that time it was out of necessity. Hence my hypothesis that you may not have been feeling yourself.
[ despite knowing better, he joins dazai on the bed, sitting by his side. ] An injured man may not go far, but an injured Dazai--well, the sky is the limit is it not? I'm sure you have found people in this place who can accommodate any plans that cross your mind.
How annoying. [ but his tone lacks bite, he freezes when dazai's head comes rest upon his thighs. dazai is fine. he's immune to crime and punishment. it is fine. he places his hand on his hair and digs his fingers, pads of fingers pressed to the scalp. ]
I do hope you have some plans at least, or are you leaving me to do the bulk of the work? There are notes on both paper and that ancient laptop I procured while you were missing. [ meaning: should fyodor disappear again, everything is there for dazai to use. ] But, I cannot find a reason as to why I was gone and forgot my time here, and you did not. It seems...random at best.
You have no idea how tempting that is! My plans are mostly regarding the people in here. We have still not a single clue on why we have met here in the first place. I yet await for my judgement for, ah, how do you call me? Harlotry?
(his eyes close, an arm wrapping around fyodor's frail figure as a little comfort, proof of life, that he's alive, he won't be gone simply from this, and he snuggles a little in place. comfortable, even if mostly bone.
he understands why he's being given this information, and he nods from his little burrow of fyodor.)
It's rather confusing. To me, I was gone for a little while, a week, and you had been gone for months, and yet, our time at home was approximately the same. A man I knew has disappeared as well, but has yet to return, amongst others who have.
Harlotry. Whore. [ fyodor replies without missing a beat, hands digging a little harder but not with intent to hurt, he's amused that this is dazai's crime and also what he has actively been doing since arriving here. he supposes that being in jail for nine month with no sex would have been rather uncomfortable for someone who actively enjoys sex.
he only shifts enough to accommodate dazai better. ] I do not much care for being plucked in and out of realities, it simply is something that can be. Why not after all we have seen? However, [ his hand stops the pats ] I am concern with anything that can mess with our minds.
[ those are, after all, weapons dazai and fyodor have and use. ]
Can I really be called a 'whore' if I haven't attempted to get into your pants? Checkmate, I win this discussion.
(this is coming from a man who is snuggling onto the other's hip like a cat would to a blanket, but alas, who cares. the point fyodor makes is a good one, and dazai distances only to lay down proper and pull the other to rest on his chest.)
I have contingency plans in place in case that does happen. I suggest you do too, although I was immune to the last chapter of mind-controlling we had in this place.
You would have deflowered me in that alley if your legs had not been injured. [ fyodor does appreciate the slow approach, however. it isn't dazai he's entirely wary of, maybe it is himself, intimacy in general? he's not devoted enough thought to it and the meaning.
regardless, there is no protest made, no resistance as they lay in the tiny cot with their long, thin limbs entwined and fyodor's head resting on dazai's chest. it hides his expression neatly if he tucks his head in and that's... that is good. ] I have taken to recording things on paper, on the laptop but that still...[ there is a note of clear uncertainty. ] I do not believe my memories of before are entirely lost to me.
(not that he minds if it isn't. it adds a hidden layer of perhaps a bit of pressure, a desire to make it unforgettable, remarkable - important, but it'd be the same if it wasn't.
his arm wraps around fyodor, 'no longer human' an extra layer of protection as he presses a kiss to the top of his head, allows him to hide as his thumb caresses the shoulder.)
How so? I can't share that experience, mine are all here.
It is not. [ fyodor pauses, then adds: ] I am sorry. Had I know you coveted it so badly I would have restrained myself. [ he is only half-teasing but for someone unused to not worrying about his ability taking out someone on close contact he simply relaxes under the touch.
fyodor tucks his hand against dazai, closes his eyes. ] It feels like fog in my head.
Like when I cut Ivan's brain in parts and removed certain bits to grant his wish.
(no actual sadness in his voice, however, and instead, fyodor gets squeezed against him just a little bit so another kiss can land on his temple. how lucky he must be, to have fyodor find comfort against him like this - to find some peace in his embrace.)
I assure you your brain is all there. Perhaps we can find a way to restore them? I don't think it'd be impossible with how things from our world simply appear.
As much as mine is because someone else deflowered you. [ there is a visible shudder at those gentle touches, he wriggles a little, finding his body pressed against dazai's. trying to fill any spaces between them, it's not so much sexual as merely seeking points of contact.
fyodor meant it, dazai is his and he is dazai's and any degrees of separation are unwelcome. ]
Perhaps. Though it may not be entirely in your benefit if I do.
(it's so easy to physically move fyodor around, he manages to be even lighter than dazai's own low weight, so, he flips them, in a way that fyodor can fit on top of him and hide as much as he'd like, find his own home against dazai's own ribs.)
Do you want me to tell you exactly what had happened? I do not fear it.
No. I wouldn't believe you if you told me. [ fyodor's trust only stretch so far, he needs to see an experience with his own eyes. a content sigh, slow moving of his fingers against dazai's ribs.
he's never really cuddled before.] I am merely telling you that it...feels there. But not, there are things...a thing I'm remembering and it did not happen recently.
(back in the alley, his hands felt flesh, looked to grip, but right now, they search for different things. dazai's fingertips now seek to memorize each curve, see where they move around fyodor's back and side that can cause a tickle, feel exactly how the weight against him feels. it's nice, and his lips will once again kiss whatever he can reach.)
I remember...meeting Gogol here for the first time. [ with the complications and catastrophe that entailed. he closes his eyes, arches a little against dazai's touch and returns it.
so gentle. he taps along, meaningless words of praise like: pretty, mine, dazai, soft, closer, closer, closer. ]
(let him listen, let fyodor reground. he can keep two conversations, too, one that is soft, only for them, and one that the world can hear. he taps back - 'hold me, make me home.')
Explosive. Violent. Very Kolya. [ he wriggles against dazai again, unsettled and then resettling again. like he's having trouble with coming to terms that this is something he can do. he's allowed to have this and it won't fade under crime and punishment.
it makes him feel dazai is holy, it makes him feel like prayer. it makes him feel--
Ah, Nikol was mean to you? Did he expect you to be dead?
(dazai knows why he's so uneasy. if he had an ability as hindering of touch as 'crime and punishment', he too would find it hard to stay put, to find comfort where generally, there is none. he can't blame him, it's a learning curve to find safety in 'no longer human', after all.
in him.
'worship me away', he says, unsure what to expect, however curious.)
Oh no, he wishes that until he gets it and then he will regret it. [ fyodor laughs, low and soft, without humor. he finally, however, seems to find a place in which he feels like he can stop squirming long enough to just relax.
for a few minutes. it itches under his skin, crime and punishment even though no longer human promises it will not reach out. it will not do any harm.
he takes dazai's hands in between his own, brings them to his mouth to press a kiss against his fingers. presses them against his forehead as if in prayer, in confession. ] Forgive me for I will taint you.
(he can't say something here, because in the midst of his own crisis, he too has searched gogol to speak about it. it's caging to be helplessly in love with one person, awfully so to be as such with another, and tremble in fear of losing it. it's not something that he'll get over anytime soon, much as fyodor will too struggle finding himself in comfort, in love, at home.
he too thinks regret will come for nikolai.
the kiss makes him smile, curious to what comes next. their intellect and similarities stop right here - dazai is not a religious man. he'll allow fyodor to confess, to find his own path through it, before the smile becomes bigger.)
[ prayer is a whole different beast for fyodor than the intellectual, sharp man that plays against dazai on the chessboard that is the world. the weight is shifted, physically and metaphorically as he moves to kneel with dazai between his legs and his hands still trapped between his own.
fyodor closes his eyes. ]
Forgive me Father for I have seen your face. I saw it in someone who is as much me as I am him, and yet we are nothing alike. I see your face in him; the way his mind turns and wraps around mine. The places he has shone light in. He is perfection and temptation, and his presence is too much to bear at times.
Did you send him to punish me for my arrogance? Or to show me it is possible for humans to be redeemable? Forgive me, for I would give him all of me if he asked; I would deviate from my faith if asked. But he is gracious and will not ask this of me, just as I will not ask him to believe in You.
Forgive me, for I will taint him because I am Crime and Punishment both.
[ fyodor falls silent, head still bowed and eyelashes fluttering against dazai's skin. ]
(this is nothing like dazai has ever experienced. in his life, there had been no space for god. nothing holy in the alleyways of the port mafia, where his hands performed impious acts, where his title had been the further away from anything divine - 'demon prodigy', and isn't that the irony for him to be here receiving prayer from someone whose hands drip blood as much as his own do? god is not harmonious. accidentals and irrationality, such as dazai sins of, same as the one fyodor calls upon with his hands gripping dazai's.
he sees it for what he believes it is - a confession. he had never thought of himself of something so good, someone who brings light even when he sees the shadow he casts as greater than himself. redemption is a path of several relapses, and yet, he stands, and he walks towards the light that might burn his skin and leave him empty.
at the end of the prayer, dazai's lips press against the other's forehead. a quiet offer of both forgiveness and a request for some. he too will taint fyodor, his own way.)
[ prayer is a quiet thing for fyodor, a moment of respite. he looks up at dazai from between dark lashes, shakes his head. ] I cannot grant you forgiveness because you have not wronged me.
[ a kiss is pressed against dazai's knuckles before he releases his hands. ] And I do not know how to navigate ... this in a way that is satisfying to you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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he says nothing when dazai lays on the bed. ] I suspected, you know I cannot predict you with perfect certainty. [ a pause, a tilt of the head. ] I thought of being concerned but I know you.
My vacation was not any more interesting than your little escapade. But, are you feeling more like yourself now?
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(aside from everywhere and nowhere at the same time? he'd just been hiding around, not a specific place while he processed all this.
a little tap to the bed. come join, he won't bite.)
Ah, who said that wasn't me being myself!
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[ despite knowing better, he joins dazai on the bed, sitting by his side. ] An injured man may not go far, but an injured Dazai--well, the sky is the limit is it not? I'm sure you have found people in this place who can accommodate any plans that cross your mind.
And if you haven't you surely will soon.
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(catzai does what catzai wants. slowly, he'll scoop closer to rest his head upon thighs. pet? pet pet.)
Oh, absolutely. It is me, after all! But what plans might I even have here?
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I do hope you have some plans at least, or are you leaving me to do the bulk of the work? There are notes on both paper and that ancient laptop I procured while you were missing. [ meaning: should fyodor disappear again, everything is there for dazai to use. ] But, I cannot find a reason as to why I was gone and forgot my time here, and you did not. It seems...random at best.
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(his eyes close, an arm wrapping around fyodor's frail figure as a little comfort, proof of life, that he's alive, he won't be gone simply from this, and he snuggles a little in place. comfortable, even if mostly bone.
he understands why he's being given this information, and he nods from his little burrow of fyodor.)
It's rather confusing. To me, I was gone for a little while, a week, and you had been gone for months, and yet, our time at home was approximately the same. A man I knew has disappeared as well, but has yet to return, amongst others who have.
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he only shifts enough to accommodate dazai better. ] I do not much care for being plucked in and out of realities, it simply is something that can be. Why not after all we have seen? However, [ his hand stops the pats ] I am concern with anything that can mess with our minds.
[ those are, after all, weapons dazai and fyodor have and use. ]
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(this is coming from a man who is snuggling onto the other's hip like a cat would to a blanket, but alas, who cares. the point fyodor makes is a good one, and dazai distances only to lay down proper and pull the other to rest on his chest.)
I have contingency plans in place in case that does happen. I suggest you do too, although I was immune to the last chapter of mind-controlling we had in this place.
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regardless, there is no protest made, no resistance as they lay in the tiny cot with their long, thin limbs entwined and fyodor's head resting on dazai's chest. it hides his expression neatly if he tucks his head in and that's... that is good. ] I have taken to recording things on paper, on the laptop but that still...[ there is a note of clear uncertainty. ] I do not believe my memories of before are entirely lost to me.
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(not that he minds if it isn't. it adds a hidden layer of perhaps a bit of pressure, a desire to make it unforgettable, remarkable - important, but it'd be the same if it wasn't.
his arm wraps around fyodor, 'no longer human' an extra layer of protection as he presses a kiss to the top of his head, allows him to hide as his thumb caresses the shoulder.)
How so? I can't share that experience, mine are all here.
tw; medical malpractice, violence
fyodor tucks his hand against dazai, closes his eyes. ] It feels like fog in my head.
Like when I cut Ivan's brain in parts and removed certain bits to grant his wish.
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(no actual sadness in his voice, however, and instead, fyodor gets squeezed against him just a little bit so another kiss can land on his temple. how lucky he must be, to have fyodor find comfort against him like this - to find some peace in his embrace.)
I assure you your brain is all there. Perhaps we can find a way to restore them? I don't think it'd be impossible with how things from our world simply appear.
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fyodor meant it, dazai is his and he is dazai's and any degrees of separation are unwelcome. ]
Perhaps. Though it may not be entirely in your benefit if I do.
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(it's so easy to physically move fyodor around, he manages to be even lighter than dazai's own low weight, so, he flips them, in a way that fyodor can fit on top of him and hide as much as he'd like, find his own home against dazai's own ribs.)
Do you want me to tell you exactly what had happened? I do not fear it.
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he's never really cuddled before.] I am merely telling you that it...feels there. But not, there are things...a thing I'm remembering and it did not happen recently.
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What is it that your brain has decided to pick?
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so gentle. he taps along, meaningless words of praise like: pretty, mine, dazai, soft, closer, closer, closer. ]
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(let him listen, let fyodor reground. he can keep two conversations, too, one that is soft, only for them, and one that the world can hear. he taps back - 'hold me, make me home.')
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it makes him feel dazai is holy, it makes him feel like prayer. it makes him feel--
he taps: let me worship you, make you my home.]
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(dazai knows why he's so uneasy. if he had an ability as hindering of touch as 'crime and punishment', he too would find it hard to stay put, to find comfort where generally, there is none. he can't blame him, it's a learning curve to find safety in 'no longer human', after all.
in him.
'worship me away', he says, unsure what to expect, however curious.)
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for a few minutes. it itches under his skin, crime and punishment even though no longer human promises it will not reach out. it will not do any harm.
he takes dazai's hands in between his own, brings them to his mouth to press a kiss against his fingers. presses them against his forehead as if in prayer, in confession. ] Forgive me for I will taint you.
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he too thinks regret will come for nikolai.
the kiss makes him smile, curious to what comes next. their intellect and similarities stop right here - dazai is not a religious man. he'll allow fyodor to confess, to find his own path through it, before the smile becomes bigger.)
You will taint a harlot? Or will you be tainted?
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fyodor closes his eyes. ]
Forgive me Father for I have seen your face. I saw it in someone who is as much me as I am him, and yet we are nothing alike. I see your face in him; the way his mind turns and wraps around mine. The places he has shone light in. He is perfection and temptation, and his presence is too much to bear at times.
Did you send him to punish me for my arrogance? Or to show me it is possible for humans to be redeemable? Forgive me, for I would give him all of me if he asked; I would deviate from my faith if asked. But he is gracious and will not ask this of me, just as I will not ask him to believe in You.
Forgive me, for I will taint him because I am Crime and Punishment both.
[ fyodor falls silent, head still bowed and eyelashes fluttering against dazai's skin. ]
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he sees it for what he believes it is - a confession. he had never thought of himself of something so good, someone who brings light even when he sees the shadow he casts as greater than himself. redemption is a path of several relapses, and yet, he stands, and he walks towards the light that might burn his skin and leave him empty.
at the end of the prayer, dazai's lips press against the other's forehead. a quiet offer of both forgiveness and a request for some. he too will taint fyodor, his own way.)
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[ a kiss is pressed against dazai's knuckles before he releases his hands. ] And I do not know how to navigate ... this in a way that is satisfying to you.
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cw they gon fuck
cw yes they are
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tw; suicide ideation, sexual themes
Re: tw; suicide ideation, sexual themes
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