(he wasn't ever expecting fyodor to come to his bed, even as an innocent act of closeness. part of him wonders if his resistance will come in the shape of a knife on his chest, his gift a fun foreshadowing of the act.
nothing happens, and his thumb gently caresses the hand in his. how he wanted to do this all these months, separated by abyss and glass.)
Naturally. That place was unfairly cold, I don't understand how your body endured it better than mine.
[ violet eyes flick down towards that touch, then back up at dazai. ] You needed to hide in the most remote place, that's where I took you. The conditions are impossible for most, and even if someone had tried to come after you there it would have been obvious and easy to deal with. Plenty of places to hide bodies out there.
[ he does not mention his body. the way the chill made it hard to breathe, how fyodor caught a debilitating cold that had him curled up in a heap of blankets against the radiator. ]
I know the logistics, Mikhail, we crafted the plan together. I did enjoy other things about it.
(the way fyodor would curl around him for warmth, listening to him grind his teeth during the night, their stupid fights over how many mili-mili-seconds it would take for the ice to melt at the rate they were heating up the house.)
[ fyodor always thought it had been nice. simple and quiet and cold. it had not been boring because dazai was never boring company but still. he can make a guess as to what dazai means by other things: the company. ]
Has the change of location also changed your disposition towards me this much?
You are being kind. Every word, every gesture since I arrived here. [ they had been trying to kill each other before, not out of hate but out of necessity to win and save the world, or lose and destroy it. ]
[ fyodor freezes, tensing briefly before relaxing. ] You're not, no but I do not find fault in this. Different sides of a war, and I have tried to kill you, plenty of times before even the game began.
[ because lying to dazai was pointless. ] I just don't know what to do with this kindness. [ how to feel it or return it if he were inclined to. ] But I am not opposed to letting it exist between us.
All things in this world need to find balance, Dazai. You think I don't know the cost of what I'm inflicting back home? What is the cost of this kindness? This intimacy.
[ fyodor scoffs. ] You can try but I promise to return the gesture when you're better.
No, Dazai, that is not true for me. By that measure then the me who was here before is gone entirely, and whatever promises you extracted from him become void.
[ he's not a whimsical individual with his emotions, muted as they are. when he makes a vow it is a forever not until death do part, but until the universe folds in itself and ceases entirely. ]
(no, for a gazillion reasons, and dazai just wants to point at his legs as his most obvious reason for denial. instead, he'll take the opportunity to simply close their distance with his lips.
the kiss he gives fyodor is not unlike the one dazai had given him before. it's slow, gentle, but there's a little bit more fire in the way he slides in tongue, the way his hand sets on the man's neck. a pull of his lip, a desire to feel the same flame as he goes.)
[ listen, fyodor is FAIRLY sure they could find a workaround the leg issue at least because that's surely just logistics and—
something warm and wet is against his mouth, and he has no right really to say anything when he had kissed dazai first at the bridge. it had been an experiment and this is the payback for it, isn't it? all things in this world should find balance.
but, fyodor is fast at learning even if his mind blanks for a moment when he feels more. he relaxes bit by bit, gently coaxing and parting his mouth, reaching back.
there is genuine, irrational, reverence when his thumb skims along dazai's collarbone. his touches in return are measured, small, and careful. ]
(moving around too much isn't good for him, so there are some bits and pieces tof him that puncture and ache when he comes closer, teaching as much as he is enjoying it.
meeting of tongues, breathing that he can feel on his cheek. he must distance himself, because as impatient ad the other is, it's not a good idea to rush when fyodor barely understands intimacy and desire.
this is a start. once he ceases the kiss, another comes. a punctuation that tells him - not yet.)
[ he chases a little after dazai's mouth despite that punctuation that says not yet. fyodor pauses, considers then presses a kiss against the corner of dazai's eye, then another along the curve of his jaw before pulling back.
what he understands is that emotions are involved here, intimacy too. but he isn't entirely sure of how those should feel for himself, he can mimic acts of intimacy but dazai would know the deception right away. and then, still even more complicated is that irrational fear that this fills him with.
he has to dissect this, pry it apart and understand it. ]
(if fyodor could read his mind. it's chatter from every side- you shouldn't because you want this. you just lost it. kiss him again. leave. don't care for the sweet kisses that speak when they won't. those are the right ways, but dazai himself has said it before.
he's a man hated by the right way. he can't help but to capture his lips again.)
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nothing happens, and his thumb gently caresses the hand in his. how he wanted to do this all these months, separated by abyss and glass.)
Naturally. That place was unfairly cold, I don't understand how your body endured it better than mine.
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[ he does not mention his body. the way the chill made it hard to breathe, how fyodor caught a debilitating cold that had him curled up in a heap of blankets against the radiator. ]
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(the way fyodor would curl around him for warmth, listening to him grind his teeth during the night, their stupid fights over how many mili-mili-seconds it would take for the ice to melt at the rate they were heating up the house.)
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Has the change of location also changed your disposition towards me this much?
[ he means this place. ]
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(if he so can.)
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Are you saying I'm not always gentle with you?
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(as if fyodor's every micro expressions weren't easily seen by dazai's eyes.)
Did you hate it?
(the kiss he just gave.)
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[ because lying to dazai was pointless. ] I just don't know what to do with this kindness. [ how to feel it or return it if he were inclined to. ] But I am not opposed to letting it exist between us.
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(he didn't know himself a long, long time ago.)
I can stab you a little as a treat?
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[ fyodor scoffs. ] You can try but I promise to return the gesture when you're better.
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(a moment to look around, as if he was looking for something sharp.
there's nothing sharper than his mouth. a little bite to the hand, as a treat.)
Ah, much less work like this!
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Do not take it lightly, even if we don't remember this it wouldn't make it less real. Would it?
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The same way thoughts and feelings are, after all, do they not only exist for us?
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[ he's not a whimsical individual with his emotions, muted as they are. when he makes a vow it is a forever not until death do part, but until the universe folds in itself and ceases entirely. ]
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(is this seduction? is it him attempting to bring something from fyodor's own soul? is it a reach for the intimacy they couldn't have as of late?)
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[ it's funny how dazai always seems to disarm some of fyodor's worst tendencies with ease. ]
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(there's nothing that can be done, nothing that they can do to understand something neither do, that perhaps can't be understood.)
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Well, then, shouldn't we get on with it?
[ no, fyodor that's not how it works! ]
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the kiss he gives fyodor is not unlike the one dazai had given him before. it's slow, gentle, but there's a little bit more fire in the way he slides in tongue, the way his hand sets on the man's neck. a pull of his lip, a desire to feel the same flame as he goes.)
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something warm and wet is against his mouth, and he has no right really to say anything when he had kissed dazai first at the bridge. it had been an experiment and this is the payback for it, isn't it? all things in this world should find balance.
but, fyodor is fast at learning even if his mind blanks for a moment when he feels more. he relaxes bit by bit, gently coaxing and parting his mouth, reaching back.
there is genuine, irrational, reverence when his thumb skims along dazai's collarbone. his touches in return are measured, small, and careful. ]
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meeting of tongues, breathing that he can feel on his cheek. he must distance himself, because as impatient ad the other is, it's not a good idea to rush when fyodor barely understands intimacy and desire.
this is a start. once he ceases the kiss, another comes. a punctuation that tells him - not yet.)
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what he understands is that emotions are involved here, intimacy too. but he isn't entirely sure of how those should feel for himself, he can mimic acts of intimacy but dazai would know the deception right away. and then, still even more complicated is that irrational fear that this fills him with.
he has to dissect this, pry it apart and understand it. ]
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he's a man hated by the right way. he can't help but to capture his lips again.)
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