inbox

[nullificates]

code

dazai

osamu

Comments

[nullificates]

Those are the things your brain wonders about. Mine has stopped attempting to find any reason for the way things are.

(it can't, with everything he has went through, to give it up that easy as a prophecy. they've spoken about this before - 'He is only good at accidentals and irrationality', and here they are. this is irrational, and yet, his hand gently holds the other.)

[fatalism]

[ fyodor looks down at their hands, considering. Dazai, I really don't understand you right now. and that's frustrating for someone who is so attuned with dazai the rest of the time, he shifts, to hold dazai's face between both palms. he could twist hard and try to break his neck or try to wrap his fingers around his neck. he could shove and shove until the nearest window becomes a door. ] If I elected to pursue physical intimacy, I would not want it to be meaningless.

Is that what you want to hear from me?

[nullificates]

Incorrect, Fyodor. I want to hear whatever it is that you want to tell me.

(that's the bottom line. it's not meaningless, not to him, not to fyodor, it's scary, it's something that makes dazai both want to break open and see, and run and burn. the hands gently caress.)

[fatalism]

You remember a me that isn't in existence right now. I can guess, and I can assume but I am not that me. It's clear to me we had some sort of agreement here, beside the one we made with everyone else, yes?

[ so close to the answer and yet so far. ]

We clearly don't view intimacy in the same manner or else you wouldn't-[ fyodor frowns with distant distaste, with jealous, he drops the hold on dazai's face as if it burns. ]

[nullificates]

Fuck around?

(he doesn't have to complete it, the action and the subject at hand do it for fyodor instead. where does he even begin to explain this is a mystery, whether he should try is a bigger one.)

It's because intimacy doesn't come from that. It can exist without it, as it can exist without intimacy.

[fatalism]

[ he grimaces at the word but it is true enough. ] I do not disagree, intimacy is not necessarily between partners but also between friends and family, and sometimes even passing strangers who have a single moment in which their souls touch. [ but not fyodor, he's not someone who has experienced intimacy. not in the way people do.

perhaps the closest is gogol if he cared to analyze his relationship there.

then, slowly it clicks: ] Are you implying we have intimacy between us?

[nullificates]

As much as both you and I are able to achieve behind glass, on opposite sides of the war field. As much as you would allow me to have.

(dazai's resistant in his own way, not with intimacy, but with the idea that things may last, they may not end, and he lingers in his fear and panic.)

Don't you miss it when we were 19?

[fatalism]

[ fyodor is quiet, dropping to sit next to dazai at that question, those words. he turns them over carefully, purple eyes darting to dazai: his eyes, the curve of his lips, the collarbone hidden between bandages; he aches, he aches, he aches—

his resistance is of a different sort: he will not let go, he will want and want and want and not share because fyodor is selfless in most aspects but to be given something for himself? oh, he does not know such things. ]

I was...content. You hated the cold.

[ fyodor is a very quiet person when he's not trying to destroy the world. ]

[nullificates]

(he wasn't ever expecting fyodor to come to his bed, even as an innocent act of closeness. part of him wonders if his resistance will come in the shape of a knife on his chest, his gift a fun foreshadowing of the act.

nothing happens, and his thumb gently caresses the hand in his. how he wanted to do this all these months, separated by abyss and glass.)

Naturally. That place was unfairly cold, I don't understand how your body endured it better than mine.

[fatalism]

[ violet eyes flick down towards that touch, then back up at dazai. ] You needed to hide in the most remote place, that's where I took you. The conditions are impossible for most, and even if someone had tried to come after you there it would have been obvious and easy to deal with. Plenty of places to hide bodies out there.

[ he does not mention his body. the way the chill made it hard to breathe, how fyodor caught a debilitating cold that had him curled up in a heap of blankets against the radiator. ]

[nullificates]

I know the logistics, Mikhail, we crafted the plan together. I did enjoy other things about it.

(the way fyodor would curl around him for warmth, listening to him grind his teeth during the night, their stupid fights over how many mili-mili-seconds it would take for the ice to melt at the rate they were heating up the house.)

[fatalism]

[ fyodor always thought it had been nice. simple and quiet and cold. it had not been boring because dazai was never boring company but still. he can make a guess as to what dazai means by other things: the company. ]

Has the change of location also changed your disposition towards me this much?

[ he means this place. ]

[nullificates]

What exactly are you asking? Would you be more specific?

(if he so can.)

[fatalism]

You are being kind. Every word, every gesture since I arrived here. [ they had been trying to kill each other before, not out of hate but out of necessity to win and save the world, or lose and destroy it. ]

[nullificates]

(a test of waters. a delicate but brief kiss to the back of his hand.)

Are you saying I'm not always gentle with you?

[fatalism]

[ fyodor freezes, tensing briefly before relaxing. ] You're not, no but I do not find fault in this. Different sides of a war, and I have tried to kill you, plenty of times before even the game began.

[nullificates]

You just like to look at me from a certain angle, from above, as I lay in a hospital bed. To each their own, you see?

(as if fyodor's every micro expressions weren't easily seen by dazai's eyes.)

Did you hate it?

(the kiss he just gave.)

[fatalism]

No.

[ because lying to dazai was pointless. ] I just don't know what to do with this kindness. [ how to feel it or return it if he were inclined to. ] But I am not opposed to letting it exist between us.

[nullificates]

I'm not asking you to. You have time.

(he didn't know himself a long, long time ago.)

I can stab you a little as a treat?

[fatalism]

All things in this world need to find balance, Dazai. You think I don't know the cost of what I'm inflicting back home? What is the cost of this kindness? This intimacy.

[ fyodor scoffs. ] You can try but I promise to return the gesture when you're better.

[nullificates]

What is the cost of it, anyway? I didn't remember any of this at home, you didn't remember any either.

(a moment to look around, as if he was looking for something sharp.

there's nothing sharper than his mouth. a little bite to the hand, as a treat.)

Ah, much less work like this!

[fatalism]

[ he flushes so pretty at that bite, unsure of whether the surge of heat is annoyance or anger (spoilers, it's neither). ]

Do not take it lightly, even if we don't remember this it wouldn't make it less real. Would it?

[nullificates]

(who had ever known fyodor could turn into those colors. he needs to bite a little more, letting his teeth pull a little bit of skin.)

The same way thoughts and feelings are, after all, do they not only exist for us?

[fatalism]

No, Dazai, that is not true for me. By that measure then the me who was here before is gone entirely, and whatever promises you extracted from him become void.

[ he's not a whimsical individual with his emotions, muted as they are. when he makes a vow it is a forever not until death do part, but until the universe folds in itself and ceases entirely. ]

[nullificates]

He never promised me a single thing, my dearest.

(is this seduction? is it him attempting to bring something from fyodor's own soul? is it a reach for the intimacy they couldn't have as of late?)