(it wouldn't suffice. it's not the same, not the same intention, not the love and care that means to be held as you take your last breath. dazai is, at least, happy to see the other, tapping the chair next to him where visitors come to chat.
he never thought this to be a murder attempt.)
Very nice of you. Apples, like one of our little adventures?
[ fyodor did consider it, briefly, because he is after all what he is.
the basket is brought over and placed on a table where dazai can reach it with ease. ] It's always apples with you. Though maybe I should have brought pears and started a new tradition.
[ he paces a little without sitting, content to stand and observe the space. he's making no pretense that he's not spying in on dazai's home. ] Every time we face off, I always nearly kill you, the sight should be familiar to both of us by now.
Or perhaps you should have brought fermented grapes as a side.
(he means wine, but it's not in all seriousness. after all, he shouldn't be drinking, even though he definitely is. no one bats an eye anymore at dazai antics, as it should be, and he smiles as he watches fyodor's never stopping eyes. dazai too would take note of all his surroundings.)
Can you perhaps nearly kill me in a less painful way next time? I'm very tired of being bedridden.
And get accused by Chuuya-san of attempting to murder you? Absolutely not. [ fyodor finished categorizing what is in the room and then sits himself with room enough to make touching difficult unless he gets closer. ]
I thought you might survive the elevator but it would have been better if you hadn't.
Still, you were ready to give up everything to save the Agency. [ a full throb in his chest and he rests his elbows on his knees. ] Someone healed you here, the damage would be more significant otherwise. Am I wrong?
[ thank god fyodor does not know that particular deal lest he starts screeching about dazai's harlotery ways or whatever. ] I don't particularly care if you drink an entire bottle of vodka and break your neck while trying to climb the stairs drunk but I do mind if it is liquor I provided you with. Blame is not something I'm inclined to take here.
[ he rests his chin on the back of his hand, shifting the weight of his gaze on dazai; ] I watched you fall. [ and then, of course, watched him crawl along the corridor before sigma came to confront him. ] I can make a guess based on the speed and depth of your fall.
I think it's cute you think an entire bottle of vodka does anything.
(he's insufferable, he's injured, he'll ignore that last bit - chuuya himself would give dazai booze if it were to help, okay, no one is judging.
he's far from the man, he can't touch, which -- not how he wanted, but it's fine. he can only push fyodor so much before he turns away, which he learned the first time around.)
Perhaps I was healed, perhaps your math is wrong. What's your hypothesis on the former?
You're aware that that is rather concerning, yes? [ but fyodor shakes his head; he's not going to let dazai fish in return, he is certain of what he saw and what he sees now.
what sigma said, what he thought when fyodor looked at his face and the other made the calculations in his head. dazai's specialization is manipulation after all. ]
I have seen him, yes. [ fyodor considers, ] I thought you wanted me to play for you. [ he's seen dazai but a few minutes ago, spent months locked with only him for company, he can't imagine that the other would genuinely want his company for anything innocent.
what is dazai hoping to gain right now? fyodor is trying to work it out, visible in the way he narrows his eyes and then leans over to pick an apple from the basket. ]
It is fascinating to me that you remember your time here despite going home. Maybe the time missing has something to do with why you remember and I...do not?
Yes, but truly, when you are playing, you ignore me. I think I'd like your company before it sucks you into a melody.
(words are real. they are honest, genuine, because he does miss fyodor. months of speaking, months of not, months of wondering, months of moving on, but not really. those shoes fyodor had bought him on impulse are sacred. he won't wear them, not to wear them out.
no angle. he just wants company.)
I hear I was gone for simply a week. You were gone for months. Perhaps that's only it, but I don't remember thinking about this place once I was back -- not that you gave me any space to think of anything that wasn't our demise! Fufufufufu.
(although fyodor won't remember they had been doing that, he taps his arm in a rhythm. it's morse, in their own little language - 'perhaps you do think i'm snow white after all.')
Mm. [ he can surmise then that he's played for dazai here—there is no deception but he's looking for it; sharp and searching as he produces a knife from a pocket and begins to cut the apple.
months ago when fyodor had been of a better mind and disposition. he will not tell dazai he's won; instead he finished peeling a slice and offering it he stops cold when he feels the tapping on his arm, morse code. their language. ] You assigned that title to yourself before, did you not? I won't wake you with a kiss, here.
[ but- ] It's quite the magic trick to have conjured up a truce. To have Chuuya-san willing to even agree given what I have done to him. [ no he's not sorry but he is bothered by chuuya's lack of more hostility. there is a trap, there has to be.
a smile, thin but genuine appears. ] Dazai you can't like me this much, I am going to try to kill you again.
[ he lifts the knife to touch dazai's throat, firm. as if to remind him of the fact- ]
A few months here or however long I was couldn't have been that significant.
(tapping is much more fun than talking, the translation from their language to Morse, which he also juggles into his own little code, cryptographic, to keep himself amused. this is easy for them - unchallenging, but nevertheless, fun.
'neither did you at home. ah, are you concerned about chuuya? you don't have to be. gogol was the hardest? we're working as we can.'
the knife, however, brings such a satisfied smile to his face. he knows he won't - there's too much at stake here to do so. it's not fun if it isn't a game for people like them.
'have you considered this makes me even more interested? perhaps i'm not a sane man after all.')
[ for reasons that remain a mystery, fyodor allows the trapping, tapping touch to continue. his eyes sweep across, a double check that they are indeed alone and this isn't a trap to rob him of crime and punishment.
he presses down hard, not enough to cut but just to leave a light imprint of the blade before he lowers the knife.
no, it wouldn't have meant much to do this but that was before. how desperate fyodor is to win that he would just slit a throat without further chess games? ] Dropping you down in an elevator seems to have sent the wrong message.
[ he hesitates but then places his index finger in dazai's upper thigh, tapping away, 'how are you feeling?'
whatever he means with that: the legs or the soul or something else. ]
(dazai can't blame fyodor for thinking it is all a trick - perhaps if that agreement wasn't in place, they could indulge in their little murderous games. it's fun in it's own way to watch fyodor try to find holes, traps, dishonesty, when he means every last word he says, every touch, every action.
he feels the sharpness, although there's not an ounce of fear, there's enjoyment in the possibility for a cut. it never comes, and the comment allows him a shrug. oops on fyodor, it seems.
too easy to crack it for both of them, and he giggles. stimulation!!
'pain. happy for the company, however. how are you feeling yourself? getting used to this place already? though when you were here, it was in a much better state.')
[ if there is no trap, then there is no trap—but it is also a state of being he is unfamiliar with. the world he comes from is far from kind, there are no pure intentions and no promises that would survive if the right leverage is presented. unless dazai suspects that he is dealing with a defeated man and this is some sort of pity concession? fyodor reels at that for a moment before searching dazai's expression again.
happy for company? fyodor looks impatient, sharp as he taps back:
'you must be scrapping the bottom of the barrel if you're happy with my company. i didn't even bring you wine.' apples were still thoughtful though, even if it's something fyodor won't recognize in himself. that thin polite veil that could almost tip into condescending if he wishes it to.
'i wish i remembered' a delicate admission offered in return for dazai's sincerity. he would like to understand why dazai seems to not mind him, why chuuya didn't try to kill him on sight. even with an agreement, it had all been so...pleasant.
and this isn't even touching on kolya and how odd he feels when in proximity. ]
(two things he can think about this. either that fyodor has a truly poor view of himself, considering himself such bad company, or that he thinks dazai's taste for company is trash, considering the circumstances. both? or maybe he's just making conversation.
doesn't matter, he is still getting company, so, who cares, really?
he thinks for a second, then he decides to open up - simply because, well, seems like it's a better time.
'i wish you did, too, at least a little bit. i'm going to have to woo you all over again, you know?')
I do not mean to insult you by not remembering. [ he speaks because the notion of being wooed by anyone is unsettling. had he fallen so low? what had dazai done? did his memories before arriving to this place differ?
at least, unlike before, fyodor is allowing to be touched and returning it as a way of communication.
'perhaps it is better i do not recall? i wouldn't want to upset your partner' because, his own view of things is traditional and simple and inexperienced. he knows how relationships work between others, but if he's in the equation, the result is always wrong. ]
You can't insult me with something that isn't your fault, Fy.
(he can't fault him. he remembers now, at least a little bit. understands why fyodor had been fuming when they've arrived, drowned, angry, revengeful. memories are flawed in this place, so what matters to him are the memories they can hold as true - the ones made here. at the beginning, he had been in the dark.
perhaps he still is.
but the mention of a partner? that makes him laugh, frown, and tilt his head altogether, a single motion of confusion and disbelief.)
Many other men? Maybe Chuuya-san? [ fyodor offers without batting an eye, ] Unless you are playing Whore of Babylon in this world. [ which if he is also made sense why he'd want to woo fyodor and make him stray, right?
this man has a lot of convoluted logic for things. ]
Ah, so you arrive here with that idea, you leave, and you return with the same idea? Chuuya and I aren't a couple, that's a revolting thought you have.
(fucking? ok, they weren't and hadn't before, they definitely do now. there's no reason to deny it when chuuya can be heard from the top of the mountains. dating? absolutely not.)
I did sleep with plenty of people, here. It wasn't what I was trying to do to you, however. You offered, I denied.
I suppose not if he lets you go around kissing plenty of people. [ it is a small difference that isn't so small to fyodor, intimacy and emotions conveyed together for him. but ah, that is his own decision and not one to impose on people of different proclivities.
fyodor falls silent, not what he was trying to do to him? alright. he can play this game, his fingers on dazai's thigh tap, a little hard:
'i cannot believe i would offer to sleep with you. and that you would decline-is that not the goal of wooing someone? i think i should almost, almost be offended.' ]
(ouch, those fingers. he can feel the intent there, and it isn't particularly comfortable, it is hurt there, thank you for that, by the WAY. instead, carefully, he moves the hand to his chest. that way, fyodor can feel a heart, a tap away where it hurts the least.
his reply is simple.
'not really. i declined simply because i think you need to understand these things a little better - so we were talking about that before you left.')
[ just as intended. though the way he freezes up briefly when his hand is placed against dazai's heart is impossible to miss: not because it's dazai, not even because no longer human keeps him hostage, but because it's intimate of a gesture and fyodor never knows what to do with those. especially when this one seems simply sincere. ]
So, you know me better than I know you in this place. [ the thought is marginally less anxiety inducing that fyodor expects but that's maybe because he knows something more dazai does not. ] I don't want to sleep with you and if I offered before it must have been for a reason of practical origins.
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(it wouldn't suffice. it's not the same, not the same intention, not the love and care that means to be held as you take your last breath. dazai is, at least, happy to see the other, tapping the chair next to him where visitors come to chat.
he never thought this to be a murder attempt.)
Very nice of you. Apples, like one of our little adventures?
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the basket is brought over and placed on a table where dazai can reach it with ease. ] It's always apples with you. Though maybe I should have brought pears and started a new tradition.
[ he paces a little without sitting, content to stand and observe the space. he's making no pretense that he's not spying in on dazai's home. ] Every time we face off, I always nearly kill you, the sight should be familiar to both of us by now.
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(he means wine, but it's not in all seriousness. after all, he shouldn't be drinking, even though he definitely is. no one bats an eye anymore at dazai antics, as it should be, and he smiles as he watches fyodor's never stopping eyes. dazai too would take note of all his surroundings.)
Can you perhaps nearly kill me in a less painful way next time? I'm very tired of being bedridden.
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I thought you might survive the elevator but it would have been better if you hadn't.
Still, you were ready to give up everything to save the Agency. [ a full throb in his chest and he rests his elbows on his knees. ] Someone healed you here, the damage would be more significant otherwise. Am I wrong?
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(a little less, because he can't move so much, but still. normal in intent, at least. if he could fuck a nurse with a bullethole, why can't he drink?
either way, he smiles at the words, because they were right. he would do it all over again in a heart beat.)
Ah, how would that even be possible, Fyodor?
(fishing.)
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[ he rests his chin on the back of his hand, shifting the weight of his gaze on dazai; ] I watched you fall. [ and then, of course, watched him crawl along the corridor before sigma came to confront him. ] I can make a guess based on the speed and depth of your fall.
You're injured but you're not grievously wounded.
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(he's insufferable, he's injured, he'll ignore that last bit - chuuya himself would give dazai booze if it were to help, okay, no one is judging.
he's far from the man, he can't touch, which -- not how he wanted, but it's fine. he can only push fyodor so much before he turns away, which he learned the first time around.)
Perhaps I was healed, perhaps your math is wrong. What's your hypothesis on the former?
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what sigma said, what he thought when fyodor looked at his face and the other made the calculations in his head. dazai's specialization is manipulation after all. ]
Is my cello in the other room then?
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(music would fill the air, but after months of solely listening to fyodor's voice, it is just as melodic.)
We can just talk, you know.
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what is dazai hoping to gain right now? fyodor is trying to work it out, visible in the way he narrows his eyes and then leans over to pick an apple from the basket. ]
It is fascinating to me that you remember your time here despite going home. Maybe the time missing has something to do with why you remember and I...do not?
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(words are real. they are honest, genuine, because he does miss fyodor. months of speaking, months of not, months of wondering, months of moving on, but not really. those shoes fyodor had bought him on impulse are sacred. he won't wear them, not to wear them out.
no angle. he just wants company.)
I hear I was gone for simply a week. You were gone for months. Perhaps that's only it, but I don't remember thinking about this place once I was back -- not that you gave me any space to think of anything that wasn't our demise! Fufufufufu.
(although fyodor won't remember they had been doing that, he taps his arm in a rhythm. it's morse, in their own little language - 'perhaps you do think i'm snow white after all.')
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months ago when fyodor had been of a better mind and disposition. he will not tell dazai he's won; instead he finished peeling a slice and offering it he stops cold when he feels the tapping on his arm, morse code. their language. ] You assigned that title to yourself before, did you not? I won't wake you with a kiss, here.
[ but- ] It's quite the magic trick to have conjured up a truce. To have Chuuya-san willing to even agree given what I have done to him. [ no he's not sorry but he is bothered by chuuya's lack of more hostility. there is a trap, there has to be.
a smile, thin but genuine appears. ] Dazai you can't like me this much, I am going to try to kill you again.
[ he lifts the knife to touch dazai's throat, firm. as if to remind him of the fact- ]
A few months here or however long I was couldn't have been that significant.
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'neither did you at home. ah, are you concerned about chuuya? you don't have to be. gogol was the hardest? we're working as we can.'
the knife, however, brings such a satisfied smile to his face. he knows he won't - there's too much at stake here to do so. it's not fun if it isn't a game for people like them.
'have you considered this makes me even more interested? perhaps i'm not a sane man after all.')
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he presses down hard, not enough to cut but just to leave a light imprint of the blade before he lowers the knife.
no, it wouldn't have meant much to do this but that was before. how desperate fyodor is to win that he would just slit a throat without further chess games? ] Dropping you down in an elevator seems to have sent the wrong message.
[ he hesitates but then places his index finger in dazai's upper thigh, tapping away, 'how are you feeling?'
whatever he means with that: the legs or the soul or something else. ]
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he feels the sharpness, although there's not an ounce of fear, there's enjoyment in the possibility for a cut. it never comes, and the comment allows him a shrug. oops on fyodor, it seems.
too easy to crack it for both of them, and he giggles. stimulation!!
'pain. happy for the company, however. how are you feeling yourself? getting used to this place already? though when you were here, it was in a much better state.')
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happy for company? fyodor looks impatient, sharp as he taps back:
'you must be scrapping the bottom of the barrel if you're happy with my company. i didn't even bring you wine.' apples were still thoughtful though, even if it's something fyodor won't recognize in himself. that thin polite veil that could almost tip into condescending if he wishes it to.
'i wish i remembered' a delicate admission offered in return for dazai's sincerity. he would like to understand why dazai seems to not mind him, why chuuya didn't try to kill him on sight. even with an agreement, it had all been so...pleasant.
and this isn't even touching on kolya and how odd he feels when in proximity. ]
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doesn't matter, he is still getting company, so, who cares, really?
he thinks for a second, then he decides to open up - simply because, well, seems like it's a better time.
'i wish you did, too, at least a little bit. i'm going to have to woo you all over again, you know?')
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at least, unlike before, fyodor is allowing to be touched and returning it as a way of communication.
'perhaps it is better i do not recall? i wouldn't want to upset your partner' because, his own view of things is traditional and simple and inexperienced. he knows how relationships work between others, but if he's in the equation, the result is always wrong. ]
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(he can't fault him. he remembers now, at least a little bit. understands why fyodor had been fuming when they've arrived, drowned, angry, revengeful. memories are flawed in this place, so what matters to him are the memories they can hold as true - the ones made here. at the beginning, he had been in the dark.
perhaps he still is.
but the mention of a partner? that makes him laugh, frown, and tilt his head altogether, a single motion of confusion and disbelief.)
... Do you think I'm dating? Who?
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this man has a lot of convoluted logic for things. ]
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(fucking? ok, they weren't and hadn't before, they definitely do now. there's no reason to deny it when chuuya can be heard from the top of the mountains. dating? absolutely not.)
I did sleep with plenty of people, here. It wasn't what I was trying to do to you, however. You offered, I denied.
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fyodor falls silent, not what he was trying to do to him? alright. he can play this game, his fingers on dazai's thigh tap, a little hard:
'i cannot believe i would offer to sleep with you. and that you would decline-is that not the goal of wooing someone? i think i should almost, almost be offended.' ]
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his reply is simple.
'not really. i declined simply because i think you need to understand these things a little better - so we were talking about that before you left.')
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So, you know me better than I know you in this place. [ the thought is marginally less anxiety inducing that fyodor expects but that's maybe because he knows something more dazai does not. ] I don't want to sleep with you and if I offered before it must have been for a reason of practical origins.
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cw suicide mention
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