[ it's almost a sigh, but then nothing else is forthcoming. only a sort of melancholic silence.
he doesn't think of it as a win, and dazai would understand why if he extrapolated and explained but fyodor supposes it ultimately doesn't matter because he has no intentions of letting dazai touch him again.
the fact the other even wants to is enough to make him feel unsettled. his strongest defense is crime and punishment and to give that up for mere touch.
but fyodor is a man of his word, and so roughly quarter of an hour later there is a knock at dazai's door before the handle twists and fyodor appears. ]
(painkillers are what fill the space of time between the last disappointed message and the appearance of fyodor in his room. it's a little true, what he had said. unlike fyodor, dazai lies, his tongue silver and smart - it's not a win if it didn't have all that they had built beforehand pressed against him, but it is a win that now he knows how it feels like.
unfortunately, that does nothing for his emotions. he's bad at handling them when he's healthy, worse when his mind is clouded by the pain of that accident. either way, he sighs, waving a hand enthusiastically at the other.)
[ if memories make up the sum of a person, what time he spent here and has now forgotten plays a bearing into all his interactions now. however, he doesn't have time to puzzle those, his own emotions have never been confusing for fyodor: they're soft, velvety and sleepy, muted. ]
Ah, you really are a wreck. [ he doesn't look remotely sorry but there is a note of nostalgia present. whether chuuya killed dazai and then sigma killed fyodor— two murders, not a double suicide. would that suffice? ]
I brought you fruit. [ he got a basket of apples. because, he's polite, even if he had come to murder dazai he would've been so polite about it. ]
(it wouldn't suffice. it's not the same, not the same intention, not the love and care that means to be held as you take your last breath. dazai is, at least, happy to see the other, tapping the chair next to him where visitors come to chat.
he never thought this to be a murder attempt.)
Very nice of you. Apples, like one of our little adventures?
[ fyodor did consider it, briefly, because he is after all what he is.
the basket is brought over and placed on a table where dazai can reach it with ease. ] It's always apples with you. Though maybe I should have brought pears and started a new tradition.
[ he paces a little without sitting, content to stand and observe the space. he's making no pretense that he's not spying in on dazai's home. ] Every time we face off, I always nearly kill you, the sight should be familiar to both of us by now.
Or perhaps you should have brought fermented grapes as a side.
(he means wine, but it's not in all seriousness. after all, he shouldn't be drinking, even though he definitely is. no one bats an eye anymore at dazai antics, as it should be, and he smiles as he watches fyodor's never stopping eyes. dazai too would take note of all his surroundings.)
Can you perhaps nearly kill me in a less painful way next time? I'm very tired of being bedridden.
And get accused by Chuuya-san of attempting to murder you? Absolutely not. [ fyodor finished categorizing what is in the room and then sits himself with room enough to make touching difficult unless he gets closer. ]
I thought you might survive the elevator but it would have been better if you hadn't.
Still, you were ready to give up everything to save the Agency. [ a full throb in his chest and he rests his elbows on his knees. ] Someone healed you here, the damage would be more significant otherwise. Am I wrong?
[ thank god fyodor does not know that particular deal lest he starts screeching about dazai's harlotery ways or whatever. ] I don't particularly care if you drink an entire bottle of vodka and break your neck while trying to climb the stairs drunk but I do mind if it is liquor I provided you with. Blame is not something I'm inclined to take here.
[ he rests his chin on the back of his hand, shifting the weight of his gaze on dazai; ] I watched you fall. [ and then, of course, watched him crawl along the corridor before sigma came to confront him. ] I can make a guess based on the speed and depth of your fall.
I think it's cute you think an entire bottle of vodka does anything.
(he's insufferable, he's injured, he'll ignore that last bit - chuuya himself would give dazai booze if it were to help, okay, no one is judging.
he's far from the man, he can't touch, which -- not how he wanted, but it's fine. he can only push fyodor so much before he turns away, which he learned the first time around.)
Perhaps I was healed, perhaps your math is wrong. What's your hypothesis on the former?
You're aware that that is rather concerning, yes? [ but fyodor shakes his head; he's not going to let dazai fish in return, he is certain of what he saw and what he sees now.
what sigma said, what he thought when fyodor looked at his face and the other made the calculations in his head. dazai's specialization is manipulation after all. ]
I have seen him, yes. [ fyodor considers, ] I thought you wanted me to play for you. [ he's seen dazai but a few minutes ago, spent months locked with only him for company, he can't imagine that the other would genuinely want his company for anything innocent.
what is dazai hoping to gain right now? fyodor is trying to work it out, visible in the way he narrows his eyes and then leans over to pick an apple from the basket. ]
It is fascinating to me that you remember your time here despite going home. Maybe the time missing has something to do with why you remember and I...do not?
Yes, but truly, when you are playing, you ignore me. I think I'd like your company before it sucks you into a melody.
(words are real. they are honest, genuine, because he does miss fyodor. months of speaking, months of not, months of wondering, months of moving on, but not really. those shoes fyodor had bought him on impulse are sacred. he won't wear them, not to wear them out.
no angle. he just wants company.)
I hear I was gone for simply a week. You were gone for months. Perhaps that's only it, but I don't remember thinking about this place once I was back -- not that you gave me any space to think of anything that wasn't our demise! Fufufufufu.
(although fyodor won't remember they had been doing that, he taps his arm in a rhythm. it's morse, in their own little language - 'perhaps you do think i'm snow white after all.')
Mm. [ he can surmise then that he's played for dazai here—there is no deception but he's looking for it; sharp and searching as he produces a knife from a pocket and begins to cut the apple.
months ago when fyodor had been of a better mind and disposition. he will not tell dazai he's won; instead he finished peeling a slice and offering it he stops cold when he feels the tapping on his arm, morse code. their language. ] You assigned that title to yourself before, did you not? I won't wake you with a kiss, here.
[ but- ] It's quite the magic trick to have conjured up a truce. To have Chuuya-san willing to even agree given what I have done to him. [ no he's not sorry but he is bothered by chuuya's lack of more hostility. there is a trap, there has to be.
a smile, thin but genuine appears. ] Dazai you can't like me this much, I am going to try to kill you again.
[ he lifts the knife to touch dazai's throat, firm. as if to remind him of the fact- ]
A few months here or however long I was couldn't have been that significant.
(tapping is much more fun than talking, the translation from their language to Morse, which he also juggles into his own little code, cryptographic, to keep himself amused. this is easy for them - unchallenging, but nevertheless, fun.
'neither did you at home. ah, are you concerned about chuuya? you don't have to be. gogol was the hardest? we're working as we can.'
the knife, however, brings such a satisfied smile to his face. he knows he won't - there's too much at stake here to do so. it's not fun if it isn't a game for people like them.
'have you considered this makes me even more interested? perhaps i'm not a sane man after all.')
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yes, even more reason to be held?
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no. i cant play my cello and indulge your touching fetish.
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can you indulge at least one?
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in exchange for something, yes, i will play for you.
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what is it you want?
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to not be in the dark.
[ whatever the fuck that means lol ]
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in the dark? is it information you want?
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yes.
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then come ask me. i'm tired of this stupid charm.
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[ it's almost a sigh, but then nothing else is forthcoming. only a sort of melancholic silence.
he doesn't think of it as a win, and dazai would understand why if he extrapolated and explained but fyodor supposes it ultimately doesn't matter because he has no intentions of letting dazai touch him again.
the fact the other even wants to is enough to make him feel unsettled. his strongest defense is crime and punishment and to give that up for mere touch.
but fyodor is a man of his word, and so roughly quarter of an hour later there is a knock at dazai's door before the handle twists and fyodor appears. ]
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unfortunately, that does nothing for his emotions. he's bad at handling them when he's healthy, worse when his mind is clouded by the pain of that accident. either way, he sighs, waving a hand enthusiastically at the other.)
Come in, come in!
tw; suicide ideation, threats of violence
Ah, you really are a wreck. [ he doesn't look remotely sorry but there is a note of nostalgia present. whether chuuya killed dazai and then sigma killed fyodor— two murders, not a double suicide. would that suffice? ]
I brought you fruit. [ he got a basket of apples. because, he's polite, even if he had come to murder dazai he would've been so polite about it. ]
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(it wouldn't suffice. it's not the same, not the same intention, not the love and care that means to be held as you take your last breath. dazai is, at least, happy to see the other, tapping the chair next to him where visitors come to chat.
he never thought this to be a murder attempt.)
Very nice of you. Apples, like one of our little adventures?
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the basket is brought over and placed on a table where dazai can reach it with ease. ] It's always apples with you. Though maybe I should have brought pears and started a new tradition.
[ he paces a little without sitting, content to stand and observe the space. he's making no pretense that he's not spying in on dazai's home. ] Every time we face off, I always nearly kill you, the sight should be familiar to both of us by now.
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(he means wine, but it's not in all seriousness. after all, he shouldn't be drinking, even though he definitely is. no one bats an eye anymore at dazai antics, as it should be, and he smiles as he watches fyodor's never stopping eyes. dazai too would take note of all his surroundings.)
Can you perhaps nearly kill me in a less painful way next time? I'm very tired of being bedridden.
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I thought you might survive the elevator but it would have been better if you hadn't.
Still, you were ready to give up everything to save the Agency. [ a full throb in his chest and he rests his elbows on his knees. ] Someone healed you here, the damage would be more significant otherwise. Am I wrong?
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(a little less, because he can't move so much, but still. normal in intent, at least. if he could fuck a nurse with a bullethole, why can't he drink?
either way, he smiles at the words, because they were right. he would do it all over again in a heart beat.)
Ah, how would that even be possible, Fyodor?
(fishing.)
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[ he rests his chin on the back of his hand, shifting the weight of his gaze on dazai; ] I watched you fall. [ and then, of course, watched him crawl along the corridor before sigma came to confront him. ] I can make a guess based on the speed and depth of your fall.
You're injured but you're not grievously wounded.
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(he's insufferable, he's injured, he'll ignore that last bit - chuuya himself would give dazai booze if it were to help, okay, no one is judging.
he's far from the man, he can't touch, which -- not how he wanted, but it's fine. he can only push fyodor so much before he turns away, which he learned the first time around.)
Perhaps I was healed, perhaps your math is wrong. What's your hypothesis on the former?
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what sigma said, what he thought when fyodor looked at his face and the other made the calculations in his head. dazai's specialization is manipulation after all. ]
Is my cello in the other room then?
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(music would fill the air, but after months of solely listening to fyodor's voice, it is just as melodic.)
We can just talk, you know.
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what is dazai hoping to gain right now? fyodor is trying to work it out, visible in the way he narrows his eyes and then leans over to pick an apple from the basket. ]
It is fascinating to me that you remember your time here despite going home. Maybe the time missing has something to do with why you remember and I...do not?
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(words are real. they are honest, genuine, because he does miss fyodor. months of speaking, months of not, months of wondering, months of moving on, but not really. those shoes fyodor had bought him on impulse are sacred. he won't wear them, not to wear them out.
no angle. he just wants company.)
I hear I was gone for simply a week. You were gone for months. Perhaps that's only it, but I don't remember thinking about this place once I was back -- not that you gave me any space to think of anything that wasn't our demise! Fufufufufu.
(although fyodor won't remember they had been doing that, he taps his arm in a rhythm. it's morse, in their own little language - 'perhaps you do think i'm snow white after all.')
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months ago when fyodor had been of a better mind and disposition. he will not tell dazai he's won; instead he finished peeling a slice and offering it he stops cold when he feels the tapping on his arm, morse code. their language. ] You assigned that title to yourself before, did you not? I won't wake you with a kiss, here.
[ but- ] It's quite the magic trick to have conjured up a truce. To have Chuuya-san willing to even agree given what I have done to him. [ no he's not sorry but he is bothered by chuuya's lack of more hostility. there is a trap, there has to be.
a smile, thin but genuine appears. ] Dazai you can't like me this much, I am going to try to kill you again.
[ he lifts the knife to touch dazai's throat, firm. as if to remind him of the fact- ]
A few months here or however long I was couldn't have been that significant.
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'neither did you at home. ah, are you concerned about chuuya? you don't have to be. gogol was the hardest? we're working as we can.'
the knife, however, brings such a satisfied smile to his face. he knows he won't - there's too much at stake here to do so. it's not fun if it isn't a game for people like them.
'have you considered this makes me even more interested? perhaps i'm not a sane man after all.')
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cw suicide mention
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