[ written during dazai's week absence on a piece of paper with calligraphy ink; in russian; the letters are all carefully penned down, as if its author considered each word with deliberation—the consequences of even sharing some sort of inner thought having been factored in and deemed acceptable. ]
Дадзая,
I could use your mother tongue to pen down this letter but I find myself in no real need to indulge in a language that for me has always felt heavy and foreign. Japanese was only the fourth language I learnt when younger, following Ukrainian. I trust that I need not tell you why that was my third language of choice after my beloved Russian and dour English. Regardless, you are not here right now for me to share these thoughts with you, and even if you were they wouldn't be relevant to our conversation.
For we have made an agreement, you and I, to set aside our personal goals and grudges in order to find a way home. If what happened to you is similar to what befell me a few months ago, your return might find you lacking in memories of this and other events. While it is true that I could put in motion things now that you're not here to meddle, I trust that Chuuya-san would make sure I adhere to the letter of the law (or, really, plan despite there being nothing but a verbal agreement). And while his current drunken state is something to be taken advantage of, I want you to know that I have done no such thing. Your beloved partner is safe from me here. I cannot help but wonder what it is like to hold such loyalty, such emotions by choice and not by force. Should it make me jealous to see the devotion there? Ah, but we've never spoken of devotion and needs- [ neatly crossed out but legible if dazai really wants to ]
However, such a promise cannot be upheld back home. His strength is an asset I find myself unwilling to relinquish in our prison break game. Please don't judge me too harshly for my bluntness, I have always found it best we know where we stand. That is why my investigations into this world, it's magic, and everything else will continue until you return. If you return. Given the lack of memories on my part (and let me reiterate that this is unimportant, there is nothing I am lacking that could be of importance) I have taken to recording things in a book.
Those will be stored in Lupin, as I trust you to find them there, and keep them unaltered. I would store them in my current room but I would prefer that knowledge remain undisclosed. I don't trust you—and by proxy I cannot trust those who have been here as long as you and are under your command. Am I jealous that you were able to get Gogol to agree to refrain from killing me right now? Perhaps. After all, loyalty is such a difficult thing to hold between my fingers. Devotion, in any case, seems impossible. My prayers to God will have to suffice and sustain me.
But I will not bore you with philosophical musings that have no bearing on us.
This world is filled with magic of a kind that is absent in our own; ghosts? faeries? I found that zombies and werewolves and vampires back home were fantastical enough were they not explained by the pollution of uncontrolled abilities. The abilities found in this world from other world brought in, are different and therefore not a focus of elimination. What goes on in other worlds is their affair, I am not God after all. A common misunderstanding I've found—I am not God nor do I aspire to be, I merely do His will.
Not that I expect you to understand this reasoning or accept it. You said to me that there's nothing wrong with humans being sinful and foolish, and I wonder why. Surely you can recognise me as someone equal to you in intellect and reasoning. Then you also pointed out that God cares not for order, have you met Him? Hold this question close to your chest, perhaps one day we will be able to talk with open frankness. If by some chance we both survive back home, I have no doubt that you'll have plenty of opportunity to revise your thoughts on the matter. But, as sad as it is to lose a chess partner, the wheels are set in motion—and my previous attempts at taking your life haven't been true, after all, that sniper could've taken you out entirely. Had Nikolai not released you, I would have left you at the bottom of Meursault to wait for the end to finish, is this sentimental? Perhaps. [ again, neatly struck out but legible if dazai intends to give it a solid try ]
My apologies, but if this is to be the first letter during your absence, I wanted to make sure to get the details of back home out of the way. Now, the next one will take care to update anything of note.
If you don't mind, I will take the liberty to remind you in advance that you really ought to apologise to Chuuya-san when you return. Your absence clearly has had a significant effect. I wonder what that feels like—to miss, and to be missed? How have you obtained such affection? [ crossed out a little more aggressively than the others ]
-Dostoevsky
[ no fancy sign-off or goodbye, clearly intended to be the start of a record for dazai to read upon his return. the letter is stored in lupin, inconspicuously tucked between a bottle of vodka and one of whiskey. ]
(after his return, naturally, he goes to lupin. it's not great to go downstairs in crutches when both legs are in casts, but he needs to see how things are with his own two eyes. the dust is awfully telling for his eye, and after reading it through, he has to send a message back.)
[ oh he knows that now. what else? does he know what sigma did...fyodor feels his heartbeat skyrocket against his will and is glad for the space between them--no, he does not want to share that moment of weakness. ]
is that so. i imagine a fall like that probably made you wish for death.
my voice is unsuitable for songs. i see you found my letter.
that is a terrible pity that you find yourself in such pain, but you knew the risks, didn't you?
i was simply being considerate in keeping a record. after all, if you forget what happened here, i can imagine you being far less inclined not to shoot me on sight.
[ his three-year old who wanted to join the agency. his three-year old who was no longer his and couldn't be bended as fyodor liked with words; his three-year old that had informed fyodor that dazai had paid a price and he intended to honor that deal; his three-year old who pointed a gun and shot him, who would kill him because dazai had won their battle of wits.
fyodor is glad he's not in front of dazai because then the urge to strangle him would be too strong to resist. ]
not just your legs though, i'm pretty sure ribs and possibly an arm...oh and your hips, are they doing well?
who is to say? where do you think my rat hands should stay out of?
[ he's not promising he'll sing but play? fyodor missed playing and if words are to be trusted then it may truly be his cello. ]
i have no desire to contest your unrivaled title of whore of babylon
[ he took it as That first, then decided that it was Stupid ] i have more self restraint than to indiscriminately use crime and punishment. i didn't touch your partner. nor my clown. nor anyone else marginally related to you. [ not that he knows who those are, he's just fishing ]
chuuya-san had issues with corruption before i arrived, is that not correct? on the basis of that premise, touching anyone-were i even inclined to-presents a potential problem.
[ ignore the fact he touched chuuya and gogol casually. he's not admitting to those acts of curiousity ]
no, it's not wonderful it sucks. [ and he sounds utterly petulant about it. had he known it would get him in so much trouble, he would've avoided it-at least now it's way too late to deny it completely. it's embarrassing because he's certain dazai is good at kissing, except fyodor hadn't felt anything but baffled. ]
while i cannot level cities with my ability, i would not enjoy being in a crowd without control. and neither would you enjoy the aftermath.
that cannot have been a nice kiss. [ is he disappointed he felt nothing? maybe. did he expect to? yes. but he cannot control his emotions like he can control his rational side. and none of this had been dazai's fault, fyodor had impulsively put his mouth on him and so as petulant as he feels, he can't be mad at dazai. not about this anyway.
he's not going to feed dazai's ego by agreeing that, as far as mechanics go, dazai is good at kissing. fyodor thinks. ]
it's not necessary as there are no...mind controlling things you said?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Дадзая,
I could use your mother tongue to pen down this letter but I find myself in no real need to indulge in a language that for me has always felt heavy and foreign. Japanese was only the fourth language I learnt when younger, following Ukrainian. I trust that I need not tell you why that was my third language of choice after my beloved Russian and dour English. Regardless, you are not here right now for me to share these thoughts with you, and even if you were they wouldn't be relevant to our conversation.
For we have made an agreement, you and I, to set aside our personal goals and grudges in order to find a way home. If what happened to you is similar to what befell me a few months ago, your return might find you lacking in memories of this and other events. While it is true that I could put in motion things now that you're not here to meddle, I trust that Chuuya-san would make sure I adhere to the letter of the law (or, really, plan despite there being nothing but a verbal agreement). And while his current drunken state is something to be taken advantage of, I want you to know that I have done no such thing. Your beloved partner is safe from me here.
I cannot help but wonder what it is like to hold such loyalty, such emotions by choice and not by force. Should it make me jealous to see the devotion there? Ah, but we've never spoken of devotion and needs-[ neatly crossed out but legible if dazai really wants to ]However, such a promise cannot be upheld back home. His strength is an asset I find myself unwilling to relinquish in our prison break game. Please don't judge me too harshly for my bluntness, I have always found it best we know where we stand. That is why my investigations into this world, it's magic, and everything else will continue until you return. If you return. Given the lack of memories on my part (and let me reiterate that this is unimportant, there is nothing I am lacking that could be of importance) I have taken to recording things in a book.
Those will be stored in Lupin, as I trust you to find them there, and keep them unaltered. I would store them in my current room but I would prefer that knowledge remain undisclosed. I don't trust you—and by proxy I cannot trust those who have been here as long as you and are under your command. Am I jealous that you were able to get Gogol to agree to refrain from killing me right now? Perhaps. After all, loyalty is such a difficult thing to hold between my fingers. Devotion, in any case, seems impossible. My prayers to God will have to suffice and sustain me.
But I will not bore you with philosophical musings that have no bearing on us.
This world is filled with magic of a kind that is absent in our own; ghosts? faeries? I found that zombies and werewolves and vampires back home were fantastical enough were they not explained by the pollution of uncontrolled abilities. The abilities found in this world from other world brought in, are different and therefore not a focus of elimination. What goes on in other worlds is their affair, I am not God after all. A common misunderstanding I've found—I am not God nor do I aspire to be, I merely do His will.
Not that I expect you to understand this reasoning or accept it. You said to me that there's nothing wrong with humans being sinful and foolish, and I wonder why. Surely you can recognise me as someone equal to you in intellect and reasoning. Then you also pointed out that God cares not for order, have you met Him? Hold this question close to your chest, perhaps one day we will be able to talk with open frankness. If by some chance we both survive back home, I have no doubt that you'll have plenty of opportunity to revise your thoughts on the matter. But, as sad as it is to lose a chess partner, the wheels are set in motion—
and my previous attempts at taking your life haven't been true, after all, that sniper could've taken you out entirely. Had Nikolai not released you, I would have left you at the bottom of Meursault to wait for the end to finish, is this sentimental? Perhaps.[ again, neatly struck out but legible if dazai intends to give it a solid try ]My apologies, but if this is to be the first letter during your absence, I wanted to make sure to get the details of back home out of the way. Now, the next one will take care to update anything of note.
If you don't mind, I will take the liberty to remind you in advance that you really ought to apologise to Chuuya-san when you return. Your absence clearly has had a significant effect.
I wonder what that feels like—to miss, and to be missed? How have you obtained such affection?[ crossed out a little more aggressively than the others ]-Dostoevsky
[ no fancy sign-off or goodbye, clearly intended to be the start of a record for dazai to read upon his return. the letter is stored in lupin, inconspicuously tucked between a bottle of vodka and one of whiskey. ]
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ah, seems like you've missed me, fyodor.
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very sleepy, however. do you know any russian songs to lull me to sleep? or perhaps any in ukranian?
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is that so. i imagine a fall like that probably made you wish for death.
my voice is unsuitable for songs. i see you found my letter.
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you put it amongst my vices, after all. seems like you had plenty of thoughts whole i was out. i like it!
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i was simply being considerate in keeping a record. after all, if you forget what happened here, i can imagine you being far less inclined not to shoot me on sight.
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ah, here you have no reason to be shot by me.
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you that's not true.
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are you putting your rat hands somewhere i wouldn't like?
(WORDING!!!!!!)
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fyodor is glad he's not in front of dazai because then the urge to strangle him would be too strong to resist. ]
not just your legs though, i'm pretty sure ribs and possibly an arm...oh and your hips, are they doing well?
who is to say? where do you think my rat hands should stay out of?
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ah, maybe anyone who isn't me.
(whatever the fuck that means. crime and punishment? romance????)
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why?is it true my cello is here?[ he's not promising he'll sing but play? fyodor missed playing and if words are to be trusted then it may truly be his cello. ]
i have no desire to contest your unrivaled title of whore of babylon
[ he took it as That first, then decided that it was Stupid ] i have more self restraint than to indiscriminately use crime and punishment. i didn't touch your partner. nor my clown. nor anyone else marginally related to you. [ not that he knows who those are, he's just fishing ]
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wow. WOW. how rude of a man who had kissed me.
you're the one who is putting that forward. i'm simply flirting, you see.
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[ cringe, cringe, he can't see that going well ]
a fake kiss for a man who kisses men plural.
chuuya-san had issues with corruption before i arrived, is that not correct? on the basis of that premise, touching anyone-were i even inclined to-presents a potential problem.
[ ignore the fact he touched chuuya and gogol casually. he's not admitting to those acts of curiousity ]
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not the same by a million. i see no mindcontrolling giant! ah, and it's me. i managed to stop everyone with just a itty bitty touch.
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while i cannot level cities with my ability, i would not enjoy being in a crowd without control. and neither would you enjoy the aftermath.
your terrible ego.
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are you refusing to hold hands with me in a crowd, dosto?
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he's not going to feed dazai's ego by agreeing that, as far as mechanics go, dazai is good at kissing. fyodor thinks. ]
it's not necessary as there are no...mind controlling things you said?
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weren't you the one saying there could be? oh noooo, we must take precautions. quick, hold me.
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i just don't understand why but like you see the wonders of individual perspective and all. who am i to convince you otherwise?
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yes, even more reason to be held?
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no. i cant play my cello and indulge your touching fetish.
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can you indulge at least one?
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tw; suicide ideation, threats of violence
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cw suicide mention
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