It really isn't. It's messy and wet. [ trust fyodor to reduce something that ought to be romantic to basic, human terms that border on making it sound gross. ]
You could die tomorrow, but you won't because if you do, you'll leave the godling in my hands and you know very well that won't end well for anyone involved.
But, do you even remember your first kiss? If it's so 'remarkable' a thing.
Pretty as your sidekick is, no. I would not think a conversation of this sort would be palatable to him.
[ he is surprised by the information freely given, but-- ] Oh? And would I be wronged if I guessed it was your ex-partner who had the honor? [ the way fyodor curls his tone around the word 'honor', more mockery than actual heartfelt meaning. it is jealousy, of a sort. ]
(chuuya's unfairly pretty, and he would have kissed the man if he had had the chance growing up, but alas, fyodor will get the honest answer he seeks.)
You'd be absolutely wrong! I'd rather live in eternal suffering. It was a girl I had to escort for whatever reason.
[ he rolls his eyes at that comment, honestly who is dazai fooling here because... ] A girl you were escorting- so no one you care to remember much about? Why would you give that away to a person who was simply passing by your life instead of someone who was--[ fyodor gestures with one hand, as if to say 'remain' 'stay' 'last'. ]
She was your first and maybe you were her first, should that not have been more...important?
[ he thinks he would have liked to have been someone's first something but his hands are only good for death. he certainly has been everyone's first and last death so. ]
It was important, though. I'm a bit different in these things than most! She was nice and I almost died not too long after. It was enough for me at the time, see?
Need and consequence, emotion and physical, emotion with the physical. It feels like everything is a little scrambled in that wonderful brain of yours!
You see, Fy. It's all very relative. You might have a need, and you can squash it easily, and there might not be any emotion. That said, with emotions, I suppose it is wonderful to show it through the physical. They converge, and they separate.
I just said this is not something that should be undertaken lightly, darling Dazai. Crime and Punishment may not kill you if we touch but that's is a poor reason to try this.
[ ...fyodor, god lord, please ] And I don't like you enough to let you that close either way.
I am not exactly sure what you want from me here. I offered before and you said no, and now you are offering but it's not-[ fyodor looks momentarily frustrated. it had been easier when the choice hadn't been entirely his, but now. ]
The physical is less important to me than the emotional, Dazai.
That's exactly the point. I said 'no' because you thought about me and my needs, instead of your emotions, and I'm offering to take care of both. It's completely different, Fyfy! Ultimately, however, your decision!
(he won't push. he just wants to make the difference clear.)
Ah, you said you don't like me enough for it, so... I don't think I even understand why you offered it in the first place. What do some things mean to you, Fyfy?
I thought it was what you wanted, that's what I thought. Better to satisfy your need than have you become compromised or distracted by someone here.
I might not understand it entirely but I am intimately aware of the effects it has on people. [ you know, like from gogol ]
You said before that I didn't know what I want, but you're wrong. I do. In this- if I ever were to consider it, I know. [ he is speaking a lot, honest in the way he gestures ] People love Him without every seeing Him or touching Him.
Sad that you think I'd become compromised or distracted even if I was sleeping around left and right. I'm perfectly good at multitasking, Fy, and it can mean something or it won't. It's not like that for me.
(this conversation is confusing, but certainly enlightening.)
That's devotion, but neither of us is untangible, Fyodor. What is it that you want from me?
[ what fyodor isn't outright saying, for someone like him: sleeping with someone would compromise him because the physical and emotional are linked.
fyodor deals in absolutes, he can't do something halfway, half-heart in and the rest out. not to mention his ability's complication and everything else that came along with that. ]
Devotion.
[ but not really. not exactly the same devotion he holds for God. ]
My devotion doesn't look the same as yours. Would you expect so?
(he assumes, at least. not when dazai's physical and emotional needs distance, converge, and distance again. he can't promise his entire heart, but he can promise that the space fyodor takes up in it is solely his, his own to hold, his own to find himself in adoration.)
You're not a God-fearing man so I expect that your devotion wouldn't. [ but then again, fyodor doesn't exactly fear god. why should he when he's already very much set to go to hell?
this discussion does feel a little like hell. the discomfort itching under his skin.
fyodor is not dazai, he doesn't have the tools to know where and how to split those distances, where to allow them to converge again. how can he know what he's never done? where a heart is not for one single person—he is not sure he even has one. when dazai asks what he wants from him and 'devotion' is the one word he can conjure up, and the meaning is opaque. after all, fyodor would say ivan is 'devoted' to him and that's a whole morally questionable experiment that has nothing to do with romance or sex. ]
In this time we have spent here, the differences between us--I don't like them.
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You could die tomorrow, but you won't because if you do, you'll leave the godling in my hands and you know very well that won't end well for anyone involved.
But, do you even remember your first kiss? If it's so 'remarkable' a thing.
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(the question does surprise him, but he laughs in response.)
Of course I do. It was irresponsible, mid mission, but I wasn't nervous. It was... Pretty nice.
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[ he is surprised by the information freely given, but-- ] Oh? And would I be wronged if I guessed it was your ex-partner who had the honor? [ the way fyodor curls his tone around the word 'honor', more mockery than actual heartfelt meaning. it is jealousy, of a sort. ]
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(chuuya's unfairly pretty, and he would have kissed the man if he had had the chance growing up, but alas, fyodor will get the honest answer he seeks.)
You'd be absolutely wrong! I'd rather live in eternal suffering. It was a girl I had to escort for whatever reason.
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She was your first and maybe you were her first, should that not have been more...important?
[ he thinks he would have liked to have been someone's first something but his hands are only good for death. he certainly has been everyone's first and last death so. ]
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(PLEASE HE'S ALREADY DYING.)
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[ ...fyodor, god lord, please ] And I don't like you enough to let you that close either way.
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The physical is less important to me than the emotional, Dazai.
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(he won't push. he just wants to make the difference clear.)
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I might not understand it entirely but I am intimately aware of the effects it has on people. [ you know, like from gogol ]
You said before that I didn't know what I want, but you're wrong. I do. In this- if I ever were to consider it, I know. [ he is speaking a lot, honest in the way he gestures ] People love Him without every seeing Him or touching Him.
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(this conversation is confusing, but certainly enlightening.)
That's devotion, but neither of us is untangible, Fyodor. What is it that you want from me?
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fyodor deals in absolutes, he can't do something halfway, half-heart in and the rest out. not to mention his ability's complication and everything else that came along with that. ]
Devotion.
[ but not really. not exactly the same devotion he holds for God. ]
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(he assumes, at least. not when dazai's physical and emotional needs distance, converge, and distance again. he can't promise his entire heart, but he can promise that the space fyodor takes up in it is solely his, his own to hold, his own to find himself in adoration.)
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this discussion does feel a little like hell. the discomfort itching under his skin.
fyodor is not dazai, he doesn't have the tools to know where and how to split those distances, where to allow them to converge again. how can he know what he's never done? where a heart is not for one single person—he is not sure he even has one. when dazai asks what he wants from him and 'devotion' is the one word he can conjure up, and the meaning is opaque. after all, fyodor would say ivan is 'devoted' to him and that's a whole morally questionable experiment that has nothing to do with romance or sex. ]
In this time we have spent here, the differences between us--I don't like them.
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...i am so sorry
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