[ dearest of mine. dearest of heart. dearest, darling dazai. fyodor bites his tongue, feels it swell inside his mouth, his chest. ] Maybe not Him but there must be some equivalent in this place.
Perhaps this one doesn't need holiness to allow approach.
It really isn't. It's messy and wet. [ trust fyodor to reduce something that ought to be romantic to basic, human terms that border on making it sound gross. ]
You could die tomorrow, but you won't because if you do, you'll leave the godling in my hands and you know very well that won't end well for anyone involved.
But, do you even remember your first kiss? If it's so 'remarkable' a thing.
Pretty as your sidekick is, no. I would not think a conversation of this sort would be palatable to him.
[ he is surprised by the information freely given, but-- ] Oh? And would I be wronged if I guessed it was your ex-partner who had the honor? [ the way fyodor curls his tone around the word 'honor', more mockery than actual heartfelt meaning. it is jealousy, of a sort. ]
(chuuya's unfairly pretty, and he would have kissed the man if he had had the chance growing up, but alas, fyodor will get the honest answer he seeks.)
You'd be absolutely wrong! I'd rather live in eternal suffering. It was a girl I had to escort for whatever reason.
[ he rolls his eyes at that comment, honestly who is dazai fooling here because... ] A girl you were escorting- so no one you care to remember much about? Why would you give that away to a person who was simply passing by your life instead of someone who was--[ fyodor gestures with one hand, as if to say 'remain' 'stay' 'last'. ]
She was your first and maybe you were her first, should that not have been more...important?
[ he thinks he would have liked to have been someone's first something but his hands are only good for death. he certainly has been everyone's first and last death so. ]
It was important, though. I'm a bit different in these things than most! She was nice and I almost died not too long after. It was enough for me at the time, see?
Need and consequence, emotion and physical, emotion with the physical. It feels like everything is a little scrambled in that wonderful brain of yours!
You see, Fy. It's all very relative. You might have a need, and you can squash it easily, and there might not be any emotion. That said, with emotions, I suppose it is wonderful to show it through the physical. They converge, and they separate.
I just said this is not something that should be undertaken lightly, darling Dazai. Crime and Punishment may not kill you if we touch but that's is a poor reason to try this.
[ ...fyodor, god lord, please ] And I don't like you enough to let you that close either way.
I am not exactly sure what you want from me here. I offered before and you said no, and now you are offering but it's not-[ fyodor looks momentarily frustrated. it had been easier when the choice hadn't been entirely his, but now. ]
The physical is less important to me than the emotional, Dazai.
That's exactly the point. I said 'no' because you thought about me and my needs, instead of your emotions, and I'm offering to take care of both. It's completely different, Fyfy! Ultimately, however, your decision!
(he won't push. he just wants to make the difference clear.)
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Perhaps this one doesn't need holiness to allow approach.
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Ah, so now we're not thinking about dying at home?
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[ fyo...no, murder is bad. ]
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[ ...fy pls.
he sits back, incredulity visible in the lines of his face. ] Ultimately, I can't murder you, we have an agreement.
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(he won't even dignify the latter with a response. fyodor dislikes touch enough for dazai to figure out why, and further imagine the consequences.)
So I must not get my kiss because of it? That's rather unfair. I could die tomorrow, you know, for non-Russian related causes.
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You could die tomorrow, but you won't because if you do, you'll leave the godling in my hands and you know very well that won't end well for anyone involved.
But, do you even remember your first kiss? If it's so 'remarkable' a thing.
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(the question does surprise him, but he laughs in response.)
Of course I do. It was irresponsible, mid mission, but I wasn't nervous. It was... Pretty nice.
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[ he is surprised by the information freely given, but-- ] Oh? And would I be wronged if I guessed it was your ex-partner who had the honor? [ the way fyodor curls his tone around the word 'honor', more mockery than actual heartfelt meaning. it is jealousy, of a sort. ]
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(chuuya's unfairly pretty, and he would have kissed the man if he had had the chance growing up, but alas, fyodor will get the honest answer he seeks.)
You'd be absolutely wrong! I'd rather live in eternal suffering. It was a girl I had to escort for whatever reason.
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She was your first and maybe you were her first, should that not have been more...important?
[ he thinks he would have liked to have been someone's first something but his hands are only good for death. he certainly has been everyone's first and last death so. ]
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(PLEASE HE'S ALREADY DYING.)
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[ ...fyodor, god lord, please ] And I don't like you enough to let you that close either way.
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The physical is less important to me than the emotional, Dazai.
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(he won't push. he just wants to make the difference clear.)
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...i am so sorry
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